


How to Save a Life

by florensze



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec overthinks things, Alec wants a family and a partner but Does Not Date, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Attempt at Humor, Doctor Alec, Doctor Catarina, I like to think I'm funny lol, Isabelle works in retail, M/M, Mutual Pining, Neurosurgeon Magnus, Nurse Clary, Nurse Maia, Nurse Simon, Oblivious Alec, Physiotherapist Jace, Slow Burn, Some angst, Strangers to Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-10-03 12:39:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 56,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17284232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florensze/pseuds/florensze
Summary: It’s not easy being the new doctor at a hospital when the nurses insist on making your life intolerable, your siblings won’t shut up about your lack of a love life and you’re in a constant state of overthinking.But then, Alec supposes no one ever claimed it to be either.When Alec struggles with treating a patient, he decides to reach out for help from the highly esteemed neurosurgeon Dr. Bane. As it turns out, Dr. Bane is not at all what Alec expected.A hospital au, where Alec is too hard on himself, Magnus wants to end suffering and everyone else just tries to help out in their own unconventional way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! After lurking about in the Shadowhunter fandom for a while, I decided to go ahead and write a fic of my own. I’m having a blast writing this, so hopefully someone will have a nice time reading it ♡
> 
> (I do feel the need to point out though that I am not a doctor, or even American for that matter, so don’t expect things like realism from this fic lol. Maybe if you squint your eyes a little it is semi-believable. Take it with a grain of salt, is my point.) 
> 
> Enjoy!

When Alec had applied to medical school several years ago, he had been prepared to face many hardships in his working life as a doctor – stress, long working hours, always being ready to get called in during emergencies. But most importantly: meeting patients and facing their pain, their sorrow, their grief. Sharing their suffering. 

He hadn’t been prepared to be the one himself to suffer. 

“Er,” said Alec, patting the part of his head where he’d been hit by a package of paracetamol. Not that it had actually hurt, far from it, since there had been no real force behind the throw. The only thing hurt was his pride. He bent down to pick up the package which had fallen to the floor. “What was that for?”

The culprit, Maia, was a nurse working at the same hospital ward as Alec. Alec had been under the impression that doctors and nurses were supposed to work together as companions, complementing each other, towards the greater good of the patients. Not throw medicine at each other. 

Clearly, Alec had been wrong. 

With the package of paracetamol in his hand, Alec straightened up and looked at her pointedly. “Well?”

Maia stood with her arms crossed and had a look on her face as if Alec was being a complete idiot. Which might be the case. He just had no idea why yet. “Because you need to get your shit together, Alec,” she said.

“Well, that’s your opinion and I can respect that,” said Alec. “But how does throwing a package of painkillers at me the accomplish that?” He raised the package of paracetamol in one hand and pointed at them with the other. “These are meant to ease pain, not cause it.”

“No shit, Sherlock.” Maia rolled her eyes. As if suddenly realizing something, she quickly reached forward and grabbed the package of paracetamol. “You know what, I need those. Give them back.”

Alec scoffed. “Well, go ahead. I never wanted them in the first place.” Frowning, he took a look around himself. “What are we even doing in here?” 

They were currently standing in a secluded inventory room filled with a variety of medical equipment such as stethoscopes, sphygmomanometers, bandages and needles. Maia had pushed Alec in here, without explanation, and closed the door behind them, only to throw medicine at him. Alec figured the least he deserved was an explanation.

They had just left from a meeting with a patient, a lady in her late 60’s with several rare diagnoses, and it hadn’t precisely gone ideal. Alec had formulated a plan for her treatment about a week ago after she had undergone surgery in her spinal cord and had been certain her health would improve, but instead the opposite had happened. Recently, she had started experiencing a variety of strange symptoms and her health had begun deteriorating rapidly. And Alec just couldn’t understand why. It didn’t make any sense. 

Although paler and thinner than she’d been when Alec had met her for the first time a couple of weeks ago, the lady hadn’t been angry. Sad, certainly, but not angry. Instead she had claimed she had accepted her declined health and the situation she was in. 

Alec didn’t quite feel the same way.

“Because I could see you beating yourself up,” said Maia. “Look, I’ve been working here for almost five years now and these things happen. Sometimes patients don’t improve. It’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for all the bad things that happen. It won’t work long term.” 

“I know, I know, but _this_.” Alec took a deep breath. “This just doesn’t make sense. And it’s frustrating.”

“Yes, but sometimes diseases don’t make sense and it is frustrating but you need to accept the outcome all the same.”

Alec took a second to consider this. “I’ll accept the outcome if I know I’ve done all I could have,” he concluded.

There was a small smile on Maia’s lips. “Just take care of yourself, alright? And if you don’t –“ Smirking, she grabbed a stethoscope from one of the shelves, and held it as a weapon. “I won’t hesitate to use this.” 

Laughing, Alec raised both his hands. “Yeah, yeah, I promise. May I go now?”

Maia put the stethoscope back, smiling still. “You may go.”

On his way back to his desk, Alec put his hands in his pockets and sighed deeply. It was fair to say Alec was struggling. He had become a doctor to help people. That was his job. His responsibility. And not knowing how to do so was infuriating. 

After getting a cup of coffee, Alec sat down at his desk to read through the lady’s hospital journal once again, desperately trying to find an answer to her problem. After twenty minutes of reading, he finally reached a conclusion: 

He should ask someone else for help. 

Last week, the lady had underwent surgery in her spinal cord, performed by Dr. Bane. Although Alec had not met Dr. Bane himself, he had read a couple of his scientific articles in medical school, which had been brilliant, so he knew he was very intelligent. So perhaps he could shed some light on things. And if he couldn’t – at least Alec could rest knowing he had done everything he could have. 

Alec began drafting an email to Dr. Bane. Since Alec knew Dr. Bane was a highly esteemed neurosurgeon he figured he should try to write the email sounding as professional and respectful as possible. Alec knew how uptight, and frankly arrogant, surgeons could be. Always better to flatter them and suck up and get their help, rather than just asking and risking them ignoring you or ridiculing you. Especially when you hadn’t earned their respect yet and really needed their help. And having recently graduated and only having worked at the Stroke and Neurology ward for a few weeks, Alec figured he hadn’t earned any kind of respect yet. _Yet_. He wasn’t planning on sucking up to surgeons forever. 

So Alec began typing. 

 

From: Doctor Alexander Lightwood  
To: Doctor Magnus Bane

_Esteemed Dr. Bane,_

_Apologizes for the interruption of your undoubtedly valuable time. My name is Dr. Lightwood and I am in need of your assistance. One of my patients recently underwent surgery at your clinic. Unfortunately, she hasn’t progressed as I had hoped, and has lately experienced a wide variety of unexpected symptoms. Please, read her journal for additional information._

_I was hoping we could discuss the patient’s further treatment together. Whilst recognizing you must have many people asking you for a piece of your time, I would be very grateful for your knowledge on the matter. It would indeed be invaluable._

_Please get back to me as soon as possible with your answer._

_Best regards,_

_Dr. A. Lightwood_

 

Alec reread the email, considering. It was good – but was it good enough? 

“Hey! Simon!” Alec called while leaning back in his chair, trying to catch the attention of the nurse currently sitting a couple of feet away, seemingly reading something on a computer of his own. At the sound of his name, Simon’s attention immediately shifted away from the computer and he caught Alec's eye and smiled widely, as though he was grateful for the distraction. “I need your help with something.”

Never leaving his chair, Simon rolled closer to Alec, still grinning. “And what can I do for you, young doctor Alec? Need help on how to appear busy to avoid getting dragged into work? Or maybe how to tighten your scrubs to make them display your biceps in a flattering way?” 

Raising an eyebrow, Alec checked out Simons biceps to see the result of said fashion choice. His sleeves were slightly rolled up, but Alec wasn’t sure how that flattered his arms. 

“To answer your first question,” Simon continued, oblivious to Alec’s unimpressed stare, and the fact that Alec had yet to ask a question, “you open a tab, put your elbows on the table, lean forward, furrow your eyebrows and stare as intently as you can at your screen, as if you’re solving a difficult puzzle. Then if someone walks by you start mumbling to yourself as if you’re completely captivated by what you’re reading. Something among the lines of “hm”, “ah”, or “I see”. If you’re feeling particularly theatrical, you can start rubbing you chin too as you do so.” Simon had finished his scroll across the floor and the two men were now sitting next to each other. “Really, Alec, I’m surprised they don’t teach you this at medical school.” 

Alec rolled his eyes. “Oh my god,” he muttered. 

“That’s good!” Simon exclaimed, grinning as if he was proud. “Although next time, say it to the computer and not to me. And lose the eye roll. Like this!” Simon put his elbows on Alec desk and leaned forward to stare at his screen, which was still displaying Alec’s unsent email to Dr. Bane, with an intense frown. “Oh my _god_ ,” Simon gasped, and proceeded to slam his right fist into the desk, which made Alec’s coffee dangerously close to spilling over the edge of his cup. Simon then turned around in his chair, and began speaking to an invisible person at the entrance of the room, all while waving his hand dramatically. “I am terribly sorry Susan, but I am afraid I cannot perform the scheduled biopsy today, as I am intensely busy with this, uh, complicated doctor stuff which require my full attention.” 

Alec was frowning intensely. He had so many questions. “Who is Susan? I don’t know anybody named Susan.” 

Simon turned around in his chair to face Alec again. “There is no Susan. Susan is imaginary. She’s made up for the sake of the argument. I am simply displaying to you how to appear busy to avoid working, like you asked.”

Alec sighed deeply. At some point he would need to come up with more ways to display his displeasure other than sighing, scoffing, rolling his eyes and raising an eyebrow if he were to survive working with Simon on a daily basis. “I literally never asked you for help with that. And _wait_ ,” he said, realizing something, “is that what you were doing, when I called your name just now?” 

This time, it was Simon’s turn to roll his eyes, as if Alec were the unreasonable one. “Of course not. I’m a nurse, I can’t get away with using cheap tricks like that. But you, Alec, you are a doctor. You can. It’s like you don’t realize the power I’m offering you.” 

Scoffing, Alec looked down at his cup of coffee standing on his desk. On it was a drawing of a smiling unicorn jumping over a rainbow. It had a text saying “follow you dreams!” above the unicorn. It had been a gift from Isabelle when he had gotten accepted into medical school. He’d used it frequently for the past couple of years. Raising the cup to his lips, Alec took a sip of his now slightly cold, black coffee. “I don’t want that power. Seems highly unethical.” 

Smiling, Simon nodded slowly as if he understood and approved. His smile then changed, turning more wistful, and he put a hand on Alec’s arm and leaned in to whisper, “You have much to learn, my young padawan.” 

“I am two years older than you.” 

Simon removed his hand and leaned back again in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest and looked up at the ceiling as if he were in deep thought. “I would argue age has less to do with years and more to do with wisdom.”

“I-“ Alec put down his cup and took a deep breath, exasperated. Truly, this was his own fault for asking for Simon’s help in the first place. He knew this would happen, because this is what always happened. Alec asking for help with something, and the conversation steering into something completely different. It’s just, well, Alec had a lot of questions. Being new at his job and the hospital environment in general, there were a lot of things he didn’t know and he didn’t want to bother Doctor Loss with questions all the time. It’d be one thing if they were medical questions but usually Alec’s questions were more revolving social norms stuff. Alec was quite confident in his competence as a doctor, it was the abundance of social rules that he had a problem navigating. Asking whether an email was too formal or informal wasn’t something Alec wanted to bother someone he really respected with, like Dr. Loss. Simon, on the other hand, he had absolutely no issue in bothering. 

Alec could also ask Clary, another nurse working at this ward and who also happened to be Jace’s girlfriend and Simon’s best friend, but she wasn’t working today so no luck there. Which was a shame, since Clary was always friendly and usually more to the point than Simon ever was, which Alec appreciated. 

If Maia was here, Alec supposed he could have asked her too. But she might just have thrown paracetamol at him again. 

Hospitals were a strange place. 

“Look,” said Alec, reclaiming the control of the conversation, although not entirely sure he had ever had it in the first place, “I need your help. Do you know Doctor Bane?” 

“Um,” said Simon, “you mean Magnus?”

“Doctor Magnus Bane, yes. The neurosurgeon. Wrote a scientific article a couple of months ago about the prevalence of multiple sclerosis in older women.”

“Yeah, sure, he drops by sometimes when he’s treating patients here. I like to think we’re friends, but he seems to think I’m annoying and keeps calling me Sherling or Sherming.”

“Shocking,” Alec mumbled under his breath.

“I mean, are those even real names? Clary, on the other hand, he seems to like and always calls biscuit, which I think is unfair,” Simon continued, ignoring Alec’s mumblings. “Why do you ask?” 

Sighing, Alec looked back at his email draft. “I need his help with a patient. I was hoping to get to talk to him one on one, to discuss further treatment, and so I wrote him an email. I’m just worried I come across as too formal or informal. I don’t want to, like, offend him or anything.” 

Simon immediately sat up straight with a huge beam on his face. “Oh! So it’s like we’re in high school, and you’re texting a cute guy and need help from your best friend, that being me, on how to appear interested but not _too_ interested. I get you.” Simon winked. “I did that all the time with Clary.”

“What! _No_. It’s not like that at all. I just-“ Alec waved his hand, trying to find the right words. A part of him felt mortified, because it was a slightest bit like that. Overanalyzing what words to send, with the help of Simon of all people. It was probably a good thing Alec hadn’t dated in high school, and hardly in college either for that matter, as he would have been overthinking everything all the time then too. Probably a good thing he wasn’t dating now either. He had enough to think about as it was. “It’s just that I’m aware that there is a certain hierarchy at all hospitals, with surgeons being at the top and newly graduates being at the bottom. I mean, you know how surgeons are.” 

Simon nodded in a _tell me about it_ -sort of way. 

“So I just want to display my respect in this email in an appropriate manner so that Doctor Bane will take the time to speak with me,” continued Alec. “I mean, I know he is very accomplished.”

“Right,” Simon chuckled and turned to the computer screen. “Well, let me read it then.” 

Whilst reading, Simon’s eyes grew and he pressed his lips together, as if he was trying to suppress a smile, although why Alec had no idea. When he had finished, he coughed and nodded slowly to himself, not really meeting Alec’s eye. “Good stuff, Alec. Uh, really nice .That’s, uh.” He coughed again. “Yeah, yeah, very good. Perfection, truly.” He still pressed his lips together and appeared to be taking deep breaths. His cheeks had grown slightly red. 

Confused, Alec said, “Okay? So I should send it then?” 

“You know what?” Simon finally looked back at Alec. “Let me tell you some about Magn- uh, I mean Doctor Bane!” Simon leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, looking intently at Alec. “He’s a typical surgeon. Considers himself the king of the hospital hierarchy. Very old school, always talking about “the good old days”. A traditional guy, if you will. Appreciates good manners and respect and that sort of things. Now, I wouldn’t go as far as calling him arrogant, but, well, you know. Catering to his ego won’t hurt.” 

Taking mental notes, Alec nodded. He could really picture this Dr. Bane guy, probably some white guy in his late 50’s or early 60’s, thinking he was above everyone else because he had happened to create a career for himself in a commonly highly respected profession. Alec hoped he never became like that. 

Still, Alec had to recognize that Dr. Bane’s work was impressive and Alec truly did want some of his expertise if he himself was going to have the same skill one day. Which is why he had no problem catering to Dr. Bane’s ego, even if he did sound like an uptight asshole from what Simon was saying. “I see. So what are you suggesting?” 

“I think you could do even better, Alec. Add something among the lines of how you’re looking forward to making his acquaintance. And that it would be an honor to be working with him. He’ll love that.”

“Right,” said Alec, and put his fingers on the keyboard. He added what Simon had suggested. 

 

From: Doctor Alexander Lightwood  
To: Doctor Magnus Bane

_Esteemed Dr. Bane,_

_Apologizes for the interruption of your undoubtedly valuable time. My name is Dr. Lightwood and I am in need of your assistance. One of my patients recently underwent surgery at your clinic. Unfortunately, she hasn’t progressed as I had hoped, and has lately experienced a wide variety of unexpected symptoms. Please, read her journal for additional information._

_I was hoping we could discuss the patient’s further treatment together. Whilst recognizing you must have many people asking you for a piece of your time, I would be very grateful for your knowledge on the matter. It would indeed be invaluable and an honor on my part to be working with you._

_Please get back to me as soon as possible with your answer._

_Looking forward to making your acquaintance._

_Best regards,_

_Doctor A. Lightwood_

 

“Like that?” Alec asked. It did read somewhat close to a fan-email to a celebrity, but maybe that’s what Dr. Bane was into.

Simon smirked. “Perfect.”

“Right, well. That was all I needed. Thank you for your help, Simon.”

Alec reviewed the email another time while Simon stayed where he was, still smiling. 

“Um,” said Alec, casting another glance at Simon, “you can go now.”

“Oh, I just want to see you send the email, and then I’ll leave.” 

Rolling his eyes, Alec pressed ‘send’. “Happy?” 

“Very.” Simon smiled as he stood up, something odd gleaming in his eyes. “Always a pleasure talking to you, Alec. But if I could offer you one last piece of advice.” 

Alec sighed. “Fine. But this better not be about how to make my biceps look better in scrubs. I’m not interested.” 

“Ha. No. You don’t need that anyway.” Simon’s smile softened. “Look, you need to stop overthinking things and just be yourself. Because you’re pretty great as you are, and that’s how you’re going to win people over.”

What Simon didn’t seem to understand was that “overthinking things” was quite a large part of Alec’s personality, so in a way he was truly himself when he was overthinking things. Still, Alec appreciated the sentiment. “Thanks.”

Seeming satisfied, Simon nodded and walked back to his computer, dragging the chair with him. 

Alec returned to his own computer. Now all he could do was hope Dr. Bane took the email well and would be willing to offer his assistance. Soon, preferably.

 

\--

 

Alec didn’t consider himself a man of many hobbies. He was very interested in medicine and anatomy, but working as a doctor probably couldn’t be considered a hobby. However, he did find pleasure and enjoyment in many other things – such as in arguing on topics that he was passionate about. 

And Alec was very passionate about his hatred towards Mondays. 

Looking intently at Isabelle, Alec took a deep breath. “Look,” he said, “the reason I hate Mondays is not because it’s the first day after the weekend and you know you have a full week of work ahead of you or whatever generic mainstream reason everyone else has. Since I work both weekdays and weekends at the hospital, that doesn’t matter anyway." 

“Then what is it?” asked Isabelle, chewing on spaghetti. “Do tell, big brother. I am positively intrigued. Bursting with excitement.” 

Alec found her sarcasm mildly offending. But sometimes, as an older sibling, you had to be the bigger person and explain your reasoning without taking offense at your younger siblings general “being a little shit”-nes. 

“It’s because I hate every kind of day, and Mondays happens to be one of them,” Alec explained, calmly.

“Wow, Alec,” Isabelle drawled, the sarcasm even more prominent than before, “you sure know how to brighten the mood.” 

They were currently at Clary and Jace’s apartment having vegetarian spaghetti Bolognese. Which had been made by Clary, not Isabelle, thankfully. They had learned their lesson when Isabelle had tried to make spaghetti carbonara a couple of weeks ago and accidentally used noodles instead of spaghetti. 

Jace and Clary made a point of having a family dinner at least once a week. This week only Alec and Isabelle were present. Isabelle had recently broken up with her latest boyfriend Meliorn, so he wasn’t invited any longer. And well, Alec didn’t date much. He hadn’t brought a guy he was romantically interested in with him for nearly four years now. He had brought Lydia though, his best friend from medical school, a couple of times. However, she’d moved to the UK after graduation so Alec didn’t see much of her these days. Although they kept in touch frequently, he did miss her a lot. 

Sometimes Max would join them, but since he was at college now, being busy with all sorts of things, he usually wasn’t. And their parents were only invited during special occasions, such as holidays and birthdays. So now it was just Alec and Isabelle sitting with Jace and Clary at their round table in their Brooklyn apartment, sharing a meal of spaghetti.

“Although you have to agree, it is strange that we’ve had our weekly family dinner on a Monday for several weeks now,” Alec continued. “I personally have no bias against Mondays, I hate all days equally, but a lot of people do have a certain dislike towards Mondays.” 

“He has a point,” said Clary, joining the conversation. “I hate Mondays too. Although not because of what Alec refers to as a “generic mainstream reason”, but because I had bunny growing up named Monday. Gave her the nickname Mindy. And she was _so_ mean. Bit me in the toe constantly. My mother eventually said she took her to “a ranch”. But ever since then I’ve had a distinct hatred towards Mondays.” 

Jace sighed. “And there goes my plan to name my first born child Monday Generic Mainstream Bitch Herondale. Damn you bunny from Clary’s childhood. I curse the day you bit your first toe!” 

“Oh my god,” Isabelle groaned, exasperated. “What’s wrong with my family? You,” she said, pointing her fork in Alec’s direction, “need to get over your “I hate everything” emo-phase. You’re not a teenager anymore. And we all know you don’t mean it.” 

“Fine. I am moderately discontent with every day in an equal manner.” Alec raised his eyebrows. “Happy?” 

“Not really, but it’ll do.” Isabelle turned to Clary. “And you need to get over obsessing over the pets of your childhood. What’s even up with that? And you,” she turned to Jace, “you just need to get over being plain weird.”

“Um, excuse you. I am not weird,” said Jace, feigning offence. “Clary is.”

The conversation spiraled out of control from there, turning into an argument as to who was the weirdest and why that was. 

Having finished his food a long time ago, Alec decided this was a good time to zone out for a moment. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. It had been a long day today after all and the fatigue was finally starting to kick in. After a few moments of peace, he could feel someone starting to kick his foot lightly. 

“How are you, Alec?” Isabelle asked quietly. “You look tired. “

Alec opened his eyes and sat up straight. “I’m alright. Long day at work.”

“Is Simon giving you a hard time again?” Clary asked. 

“No, not really. He’s not too bad, I guess.” Alec glanced at Clary. “Although, don’t tell him I said that.” 

Clary chuckled. “Fine. I promise.”

“I’m just dealing with some difficult stuff at work right now. Like, I have this vision of how I want my patients treatments to go, how I want them to progress and then it doesn’t go that way and they relapse instead and it’s frustrating.” 

“Alec,” said Jace, uncharacteristically softly, “you can’t take responsibility for every person hurting at the hospital. You won’t be able to cure everyone. If you’re going to survive working as a doctor, you need to accept that.”

“You know, it’s funny,” Alec said, remembering being hit in the head by a package of paracetamol earlier that day, “you’re not the first one to tell me that today.”

“Then there’s probably some truth to it. And also, you need to let go of work when you’re not actually at work,” Isabelle said. She was the only one at the table who wasn’t a health care professional. Clary being a nurse, Jace a physiotherapist and Alec a doctor, Isabelle did stand out a little, working as a retail consultant at a designer store “You have to focus on something else sometimes. Like dating! I know this cute guy at work-“ 

Alec rolled his eyes. “And here we go.”

“I’m serious!” Isabelle exclaimed. “You take care of so many people. But who takes care of you?” 

“ _I_ take care of me.” 

Isabelle crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows. “Do you?” 

Alec shrugged. “Sure.” 

“Okay, so you don’t want to go on a date with this guy from work? He’s really nice.” 

“No, Iz, I have no interest in going on dates with random people I don’t know.”

Which was something the people in his surroundings never seemed to accept. Isabelle and Jace both kept telling him repeatedly to go on dates, “take more risks” and “be more spontaneous”. It just wasn’t something Alec enjoyed. Like _dating_. It was most often embarrassing, awkward and it left you feeling emotionally drained. Not to mention that it was horribly time consuming, which was something Alec did not have. He needed to focus on his career right now – he didn’t have time to flirt with boys. Not that Alec had any idea how to flirt with boys, which only added another reason as to why Alec did not date. He could barely talk to men he found attractive, so the odds were truly not in his favor. 

Although, Alec could admit he craved the end result of dating – having a partner, someone to share his life with. He just didn’t want to go through the process of actually getting that. 

He just wanted to have it.

“Let’s leave Alec’s love life alone,” Clary said. “Besides, I’m getting tired too, so maybe it’s time to call it a night.”

Everyone agreed since it was starting to get quite late. Alec offered to help with the dishes, but Jace said no, claiming “they had a dishwasher for that”. Which, of course, Alec knew but he still felt the right thing to do was to offer anyway. So he did that every week. It was basically a routine at this point. 

As he put on his coat and hat, getting ready to leave, something suddenly hit him. ”Oh, and Clary? Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Clary said. She was leaning against a wall in the hallway. Jace went to stand next to her, and put a loose strand of hair from her ponytail behind her ear. It promptly fell back again, but Clary smiled nonetheless. 

“Do you know Doctor Bane?” Alec asked. 

It was evening now and Alec still hadn’t gotten a reply to his email. Not that Alec was excessively worried, Dr. Bane was probably just very busy as Alec had anticipated and not ignoring Alec because he didn’t want to help him. But still. Alec supposed he was a little worried. 

Clary had a look of confusion on her face. “You mean Magnus?” 

“Doctor Magnus Bane, yeah. The neurosurgeon.”

“Bro,” said Jace, chuckling, “everyone knows Magnus.”

Obviously, Alec didn’t. “I don’t,” he snorted.

“Well, you should,” Jace continued. “I think you would like him.” 

Alec frowned. “You think so?” 

“Yeah. I mean, you have a lot in common.”

They were both doctors working at the same hospital, so Alec supposed that was true. 

“Anyway,” said Clary, “why do you ask?” 

“It’s just, well, I wrote him an email this morning asking for his help with something and he hasn’t responded yet. Do you think it’s because he’s just been busy or because he’s ignoring me? What’s more in line with his character?” 

“Uh, why would he ignore you?” Jace asked. “What did you do this time?” 

“Nothing!” Alec exclaimed. “I was really polite, complemented him and everything.”

For some reason, this made Clary laugh. “Then he’s been busy or hasn’t seen it yet. Magnus loves compliments.”

“Okay, I’ll be sure to remember that,” Alec mumbled. Maybe that was why Dr. Bane liked Clary and not Simon, because she gave him compliments. 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, Alec,” said Jace. “Don’t overthink this like you always do. It’s going to be fine.”

Alec sighed. Another person telling him to stop overthinking things today. They had a point, Alec knew they did. Just realizing something and actually being able to do something about it were two completely different things. 

After thanking them for their help, Alec said his good byes and left. He ended up sitting on a cold, stiff seat on the subway on his way home, listening to his favorite Spotify playlist, watching strangers getting on and off. Some bumped into him unapologetically while some stared intently down at their phones, barely seeming aware there was a world existing around them. 

Alec thought to himself that New York was kind of like an annoying, trouble-seeking younger sibling who never grew up. Always loud, always causing trouble, always trying to push your buttons in some way. Never just leaving you in peace. And yet, you were protective of them - always ready to defend them. At least, that’s how Alec felt about New York. The city was a central part of Alec’s being at this point. He had grown up here and couldn’t imagine leaving either, not permanently at least. The same way he could never leave his family, the people he loved the most. He always cherished the days when he got to see his family. Especially Max, since those days were quite rare. Those were always his favorite days. 

But there was always something like a backlash when he ultimately left them. He missed them immediately. And intensely. A huge part of Alec wanted nothing more than to have a family of his own – one he didn’t have to part with constantly, but one he got to see every day. He knew that wasn’t in the cards for him at the moment, especially because of his no dating-rule.

But still, he liked to dream about it. Giving love and being loved like that on a daily basis. 

When Alec finally reached his apartment, he took his shoes off and began his evening routine. Took a shower, had a sandwich, checked his phone, set his alarm. Went to his empty bed where the silence was penetratingly loud. 

He tried to ignore the familiar cold ache that was beginning to form in his stomach as he settled down. He took large blanket from the edge of his bed to make himself warmer but it didn’t quite help when the coolness was on the inside. 

The thing about feeling lonely is that it is like pain, in a way - you can only truly understand it in the moment you experience it. Like, Alec could think back to when he broke his arm when he was 21, skiing with Jace. He knew he was in excruciating pain then because he remembered sobbing uncontrollably and yelling at Jace to just _do something_. So, he knew, looking back, that he was in a lot of pain then. Even so, he couldn’t relate to it now; couldn’t imagine at all what it had felt like. 

It’s the same when Alec’s patients tell him they’re in pain. Alec could sympathize, but not empathize. Whatever feeling Alec’s mind would be able to conjure wouldn’t measure in the slightest to what that person was feeling right then. 

Pain, which can be achingly familiar and yet unique to every experience, can only truly be understood in the moment you’re hurting.

Loneliness was the same. Although, it could certainly be argued that loneliness was a sort of pain. Regardless, when Alec he was happy, like he usually was at work, he could remember the times he’d felt loneliness, but not the actual feeling. 

As Alec lied down in his empty bed, in his quiet apartment and felt the familiar coldness in his body, the shortness of breath and that factor that one cannot quite describe. That deep longing for something more. He thought to himself, as he did so many nights, 

_Oh, right. This is what it feels like._

 

\--

 

After having his morning coffee out of his signature unicorn mug, a discussion about a patient with Maia, a second cup of coffee out of his signature unicorn mug, having a look at a curious looking wound at an old man’s knee, Alec went to have a third cup of coffee from his signature unicorn mug.

Alec then sat down at his desk, took a sip from the dark elixir of life and checked his email. He sat up straight and immediately put down his cup when he noticed he had gotten a reply from Dr. Bane, received just a couple of minutes ago. 

 

From: Doctor Magnus Bane  
To: Doctor Alexander Lightwood

_Highly respected colleague Dr. Lightwood,_

__

_whom I have never met, nor have I heard of,_

__

_but I still feel has earned the title of ‘respected colleague’._

__

__

_From your words I sense a reluctance to concede,_

__

__

_So the decision of asking for assistance from me was wise, indeed._

__

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_I see no problem with us two meeting whatsoever -_

__

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_Would Wednesday perchance be a suitable day for this endeavor?_

__

__

_Sincerely,_

__

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_Dr. Magnus Bane_

__

__

_Ps. While I appreciate your concern, you highly overestimate how valuable my time is. I just spent 20 minutes writing this poor excuse of a poem._

__

__

_Ps 2. Please don’t lose all your respect for me. I liked it._

__

__

 

“What,” Alec muttered to himself, as he reread the email for the third time. What was this? A joke? A hidden message? Illuminati? Had Dr. Bane accidentally emailed the wrong person? Although, Alec’s name was at the top of the email so that wasn’t likely.

There was only one thing to do. Alec turned around in his chair and spotted what had become his, although Alec would never admit this out loud, social norms at the hospital guide. 

“Simon!” Alec called, groaning internally. “Get over here. Please.”

Immediately, Simon left whatever he was doing, which seemed to be some documenting, and walked over to Alec. “But of course, my young padawan. For you I would travel to Mordor, I would defeat Voldemort, I would-“

“Enough. Please. Enough, alright. Just-” Alec sighed and again wondered why he kept taking advice from someone who claimed their greatest accomplishment was completing Final Fantasy X in less than 10 hours. Personally, Alec would argue graduating from nursing school was a greater accomplishment, but each to their own, he supposed. Either way, Alec angled his computer screen to show Simon the email. “Um. Is this normal?”

Simon leaned down to read the email and, when finished, exclaimed, “Ha!” He turned to face Alec, not looking fazed at all from the email’s content. “Well, no. But then, nobody ever claimed Magnus was normal either.”

Alec frowned. “What do you mean? Like, is he joking? Should I write back “lol” or something?” It did strike Alec as quite unprofessional to use modern acronyms in a professional setting, but then, old people used the internet too nowadays, right? Hadn’t they basically taken over Facebook at this point? 

“Who knows? He keeps calling me all these weird names and I like to think he’s joking but I’m considering that at some point I’ll just have to accept the fact that he just doesn’t know my name.” Simon shook his head and sighed. “But this? Probably a joke. So, sure, add a ‘lol’. Hell, even a ‘lmao’ if you’re feeling particularly adventurous.” 

“I never feel particularly adventurous,” Alec muttered. It was true. It just wasn’t him, regardless of whether people accepted that or not. 

At the moment, Alec had quite a hard time picturing what Dr. Bane was like. An old fashioned surgeon, who answered work emails with poems, liked compliments and whose colleagues had a hard time making distinctions as to when he was joking and when he was serious. But Alec supposed it didn’t matter. He needed his help still. He started typing an email. 

 

From: Doctor Alexander Lightwood  
To: Doctor Magnus Bane

_Esteemed Dr. Bane,_

__

__

_Lol._

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_No need to worry, you have not lost my respect in the slightest._

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_Wednesday is perfect. Looking forward to discussing treatment with you._

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_All the best,_

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_Dr. A. Lightwood_

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__

 

“Short but effective,” said Alec, after finishing. “Right?” 

“That’s what she said,” Simon snickered, elbowing Alec in the ribs suggestively. 

Alec put his face in his hands and mumbled, “Why do I associate with you.” 

“Because I’m the only one around right now and therefore your only option,” answered Simon with a huge grin. “Either way, the email looks great. So, if you’ll excuse me, my young padawan-“

“Would you stop calling me that?”

“- I have a job to attend to.” 

“Fine.” Alec sent the email, before realizing something. “Hey, Simon? One more thing.”

Simon turned around in his chair. “Yeah?”

“What does Doctor Bane look like? Just so I’ll recognize him when he drops by tomorrow.”

Grinning, Simon said with a wink, “I think you’ll know who he is when you see him.” 

Alec frowned. “What does that mean?” 

Turning around in his chair, away from Alec, Simon said, “Terribly sorry, Alec, but I am afraid I don’t have time to help you any longer. Patients to save, medicine to distribute. You know the drill.”

This conversation had been so unhelpful. “Fine,” sighed Alec, dropping the subject. “Thank you anyway.” 

 

\--

 

Several hours and many cups of coffees later, Alec found himself sitting at his computer again. He checked his email. There were a lot of them but the one that caught his eye first was the reply from Dr. Bane. He opened it immediately. 

 

From: Doctor Magnus Bane  
To: Doctor Alexander Lightwood 

_Dr. Lightwood,_

__

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_Glad to hear it!_

__

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_Cu tomorrow then. I’ll drop by sometime during the afternoon_

__

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_Xoxo_

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_Dr. Magnus Bane_

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__

 

Alec huffed in surprise and closed the tab. Dr. Bane had to be the strangest surgeon Alec had yet to come across and Alec hadn’t even met him yet. 

As Alec started writing down different strategies and medicine treatments that he could discuss tomorrow at their meeting, he could feel himself finally starting to relax. Perhaps Dr. Bane was a shallow, old fashioned, arrogant and strange surgeon, but that didn’t really matter. Alec was here for his patients after all, not to make friends. 

So really, what’s the worst that could happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... you could meet the love of your life! *gasp* 
> 
> I am SO excited to continue this. Also, English isn't my first language so sorry if the grammar is off at some points and it's distracting. I try *shrugs*.  
> Let me know what you thought!  
> ♡♡
> 
> baii, 'till next time ~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your lovely feedback on chapter one. It means the world to me. ♡
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one!

Alec liked order. He liked rules. He liked instructions which specifically specified everything. Really, _everything_ – where he should be, who he should speak to and at what time precisely. He hated unspoken rules about social interaction which you were just “supposed to know”. If Alec knew the specifics of a situation in beforehand, the odds of him misinterpreting something or just looking like a fool for an infinite amount of reasons decreased. 

Alec remembered what Dr. Bane had written yesterday – “I’ll drop by sometime during the afternoon.” 

1\. “Sometime during the afternoon” – when was that exactly? Was Alec supposed to just sit around during that time and do nothing so he was unoccupied whenever Dr. Bane decided to show up? Or would Dr. Bane be understanding and willing to wait if Alec was busy? _Jesus Christ_ , would Alec even be able to eat lunch? What if Dr. Bane showed up while Alec was eating his favorite bagel in the cafeteria – then what? He wouldn’t even be able to find Alec!

2\. “I’ll drop by” – drop by where, exactly? In the lunchroom? By Alec’s desk? In the patient’s room? 

3\. Alec still didn’t know what Dr. Bane looked like because Simon was the least helpful person on the planet and wouldn’t say. What if Alec missed him?  


Alec facepalmed himself. Why hadn’t he asked Dr. Bane to specify these things yesterday? He had been so young, so foolish. 

If he wrote Dr. Bane an email asking now, at 11.30 am the same day they were meeting, Dr. Bane probably wouldn’t even see it until _after_ he had showed up. And then he would know that Alec had been worried about this and Alec was very keen on maintaining his professional “I’m a chill and carefree” persona.

Alec groaned and put his face in his hands. 

Life was so unnecessarily complicated. 

“You alright there?” A voice said from behind him. 

Alec raised his head and saw Maia standing next to him, looking skeptical, which she always seemed to be whenever Alec did something. Or didn’t do something, as it were.

He was sitting at his desk at the office shared with the nurses. His signature unicorn mug stood next to his computer screen, tragically empty. The room which was usually crowded with people was currently empty, save for the two of them, everyone else busy with work or off to lunch. 

“Yeah,” Alec said, sitting up straight and stretching his arms. “I’m fine.” 

“I sure hope you’re not lying to me right now.” 

Alec sighed. “I’m not.” 

“Good,” Maia deadpanned, “because I need your help.” 

“Alright,” said Alec, thankful for the distraction. His mind was an exhausting place sometimes. What he needed was work. Labor. Something to do. That was the best cure for his own overthinking. 

Also, it wasn’t technically afternoon yet so Alec had some more time to kill before his meeting. 

“Remember that knee I told you to have a look at yesterday?” 

“Yes,” said Alec, remembering the old man who had fallen down on his way to the shower and scraped his knee pretty bad. 

“His wound is starting to look worse than it did yesterday and it smells weird too. Plus, he’s running a temperature. I’m worried it might be infected so I figured you should have a look at it.” 

Alec quickly jumped out of his chair. “On it.” 

He went straight to the room the man was staying in. The patient, a man named Greg who was in his early 80’s, had arrived with ambulance a couple of days ago due to a stroke. The repercussions had thankfully not been too bad since he had gotten treatment quickly. The fact that he had fallen down yesterday was unfortunate but most likely not critically bad. 

Greg sat up on his bed in his single-person hospital room, looking absentmindedly out the window. The walls were white and the midday sun shone through the window, making the room vividly bright. Outside there was a small garden; some trees, bushes and a little pond, which the patients could visit. Not that a lot of patients did though, seeing as they were usually too fatigued to move, which Alec thought was a shame. 

“Nice view?” asked Alec, as he entered the room. 

Greg jumped a little, startled, and looked away from the window to face Alec. “Oh. Hello, doctor Alec. Maia said you would come but I didn’t expect you so soon.”

Alec smiled. “Her wish is my command.”

“And to answer your question – yes. The view is rather nice. Look,” he said, motioning his hand for Alec to come closer, which he did, standing next to Greg and the window, “there are daffodils growing by the bushes over there. Do you see them? It’s a sign of spring.”

“Beautiful,” said Alec, watching the yellow flowers which stood out like splash of bright color against a green canvas. 

“Yes. I thought so too.”

“Now, if you wouldn’t mind Greg, I would like to have a look at your knee.”

As Greg rolled up his pants to give Alec access to his wound, Alec put on disposable gloves and bent down to have a look. And just as Maia had said, it looked bad - yellow crusts having formed among the edges of it and it had a faint sour smell to it. 

“Right,” said Alec, taking off of his gloves. He stood up and looked the older man in the eye. “Maia was right, as usual. The wound is infected.”

Greg sat up straighter. “Really?” He had a worried look on his face. “Is it bad?” 

“No reason to be worried,” said Alec, calmly. “I’ll prescribe antibiotics which you’ll have to take for six days and 1 gram of paracetamol every sixth hour for as long as you’re running a fever. Also, I’ll tell the nurses to properly clean your wound and switch bandage on it every day. You should feel better within a couple of days. And if not, you’ll let us know, okay?”

“Alright. Thank you,” Greg said, the relief evident in his voice. 

“But remember that the next time you need to use the shower, ring the bell and a nurse will help you. Seeing as you don’t have a walker, it’s very important that you get the assistance you require when walking so we can avoid this sort of incident in the future. Do you understand?”

“Sure,” Greg said slowly, with a frown. As if he listened but the instructions didn’t quite make sense to him. Alec would have to ask Maia to repeat this information to him later. 

“Oh, and also,” continued Alec, “I’ll send a referral to a physiotherapist to have a look at your mobility capacity. They should be able to drop by later today or early tomorrow. And I also think that if we-“ Alec focus shifted when he noticed something entering his peripheral vision, “if we, uh-“

Alec stopped midsentence. Even his breathing suddenly stopped. 

A _man_ had entered the room. 

Which, granted, in itself wasn’t such a big of a deal, people walked around the hospital all the time. Women, men and non-binary people alike. But this man… _this_ man. 

Alec recognized and knew essentially everyone who worked here - their names, their characteristics. He even knew pointless stuff he had absolutely no use of, like the sound of their footsteps (Jace walked loudly, as if he was always on a mission, always with a purpose; Simon walked with skittering steps, like there was constantly a beat playing in his head). 

But Alec did _not_ recognize this man. And Alec would have recognized this man if he had only seen him on the subway once. This was not a person you forgot. 

The man had tanned bronze skin, deep brown eyes which were lined with dark kohl and his black hair was buzz cut on the sides and styled upwards in the middle in a way Alec had no he was even into. But, apparently, he was.

Plus, the man’s light green scrubs fit tightly against his body and he had a white coat on top, hugging his shoulders. An outfit which would have looked boring and ordinary on anyone else, but he somehow made it look stylish. As if they had been custom made just for him. 

The mystery man looked around the room as if he was searching for something. When his eyes locked with Alec’s, something in Alec snapped. 

“Who are _you_?” Alec blurted out. It came out sounding almost like an accusation. Like it was the man’s fault for literally being so stunning that Alec had lost his entire train of thought. 

Which, to be fair, it actually kind of also was. At least, Alec thought so. 

Thankfully, the man didn’t seem to take offense. Instead, he smiled widely and walked towards Alec, extending his hand. “Hello there,” he said. “I’m Magnus.” And, wow, even his voice sounded nice. Sophisticated. Alec could feel his brain capacity slipping away again. 

“Um.” Alec shook the man’s hand. It was a good thing he had shaken a lot of hands during his days because he really just performed on instinct at this point. “Alec,” he said. 

The man’s, Magnus’, smile grew. “Nice to meet you, Alec,” he said, sounding both polite and genuine. “I’m looking for Alexander Lightwood. Is he around?” 

“Uh,” said Alec, realization slowly dawning on him. Oh, fuck. His name was Magnus. Magus Bane? The _neurosurgeon_ Magnus Bane? It had to be him. But it wasn’t even afternoon yet! This wasn’t fair - Alec wasn’t prepared, he hadn’t agreed to this. This was not part of his plan. He didn’t even have a plan for this! “Right, of course, uh-“ 

Greg, who Alec had kind of forgotten was there, coughed. “That’s you, son.” 

Magnus raised his eyebrows expectantly, still smiling, his amusement evident. 

“Oh, right!” Alec wanted to die. “Yes, hi! That, that is me. Um. I’m Lightwood. Doctor Lightwood.” No, wait, that sounded wrong. What even _was_ his name? Jesus Christ. “Alexander Lightwood, I mean.” He coughed and looked down at the floor, not able to look at Magnus any longer. He could feel his cheeks starting to burn. 

Eventually, Alec took a deep breath and looked up, prepared to be met with a judgmental look. But instead, he saw a pair of kind, sympathetic eyes. The same amusement which had been present from the start was still there and perhaps even stronger now. Yet, they didn’t look at Alec as if he was some kind of idiot for forgetting his own identity, but as someone who was just endearingly amusing. As if Alec forgetting his own name was the best thing that had ever happened to him. 

Which wasn’t too bad. Alec could live with that. 

Alec swallowed. “Most people call me Alec,” he finally concluded. 

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Alexander.” Magnus chuckled. “Is it alright if I call you Alexander? I just think it’s such a lovely name and it definitely suits you,” he said. “And I’m not most people,“ he added with a wink.

 _You may call me whatever you like_ , Alec thought, but thankfully didn’t say. “Sure,” he said instead which was more in line with the “chill and carefree” persona he was trying to convey to people. He even added a shrug for good measure. Totally relaxed. 

Magnus smiled and introduced himself to Greg, who didn’t seem to be having as much trouble as Alec in responding.

“Is Alexander taking good care of you?” Magnus asked, beaming. 

“Oh, yes,” said Greg. “Very well.”

With a smirk, Magnus turned to Alec. His eyes roamed over Alec from head to toe which made Alec feel oddly exposed. There was a gleam in Magnus’ eye as he said, “Oh, how lucky you are.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say he’s lucky, per say,” said Alec with a frown, not quite understanding what Magnus meant. He scratched the back of his head. Sure, Alec was looking out for Greg well enough, but being treated at a hospital after having suffered a stroke wasn’t exactly “lucky”. And to then fall down, get a wound, having said wound get infected and develop a fever, to boot.

But at least he had an insurance and got the proper treatment he needed at a highly advanced hospital so that was probably what Magnus was referring to. “But certainly, his situation could be worse,” Alec agreed. 

Magnus chuckled, looking slightly confused. “Certainly,” he repeated. 

There was a silence. There was a look on Magnus’ face as if he expected Alec to say something, to continue the conversation forward. Alec hated when people had that look on them. It put so much pressure on him. 

Alec cleared his throat. “Right, well,” he said, having no idea where this sentence was heading, “I guess it’s time for us to, eh-“ he started moving his hands, grasping for what words to say. 

“Time for us to have that meeting you suggested we should have?” Magnus finished for him, grinning.

“Right,” Alec said. “That. Yes.”

“Excellent,” said Magnus. “Lead the way.” 

Before leaving, Alec turned to Greg. “I’ll come back to check on you again later,” he told him. 

Greg did a thumbs up. 

Nodding, Alec turned back to Magnus, who was waiting patiently. Time for Alec to, uh, lead the way. “Right, then,” he said. He had no idea where they were going. “Follow me.” 

They went out to the hallway, Magnus following Alec. Alec tried to figure out a place they could go - Alec’s desk or the lunch room, perhaps? 

But, no. Alec had to think logically about this. “We’ll have to check if there’s an empty room available,” he mumbled, deep in thought. Having a room all to themselves would be preferable as he didn’t want to get distracted by his fellow colleagues and especially not by Simon or Maia. No offense to them. 

Or actually kind of full offense to them, because they were always out to make Alec’s life miserable. Maia might throw medicine or hit him with a stethoscope out of the blue. And Dr. Bane, _Magnus_ , didn’t seem to be at all like Simon had described him, which Alec was certain had been a move on Simon’s part to make Alec look like an idiot. Well, the joke's on him because Alec was absolutely intent on not looking like an idiot at all from this point forward. 

From now on he would be a perfect professional – he would stick to discussing the treatment alternatives he had written down yesterday, not get flustered by Magnus’ presence and he would absolutely not forget his own identity again. He was freaking doctor Alec Lightwood after all, goddamn it. And he would figure out a good treatment strategy and not let hot surgeons, or meddling nurses, get in the way of that. 

“Oh, I absolutely agree,” Magnus purred, stepping in beside Alec. He stood awfully close. Alec could even tell his scent – a mixture between sandalwood and citrus. How was that even possible? Everyone else at the hospital just smelled like antiseptics and old people. Magnus put a hand on Alec’s arm and winked. “I think it would be very beneficial if we found a room for just the two of us.” 

“Oh, good,” said Alec, glad Magnus shared his ambition to avoid people as much as possible. Pointing to the right, Alec said, “There should be one this way.”

After some searching, they eventually found an empty room at the end of the hallway. However, it wasn’t quite what Alec had pictured for this meeting. 

It was a small room actually meant for the patients, or their relatives, who were treated at the hospital. A place to relax and take your mind off things. A place which wasn’t as clinically white and dull as the other rooms but had a large red couch, some comfortable looking chairs and dim lightning. It even had a Jacuzzi in the back and some flowers in the corner. The room had a very casual vibe to it, almost... romantic? Which, nope. _Nope_. Not professional, not appropriate. Come to think of it, being at Alec’s desk and having Simon on Maia around couldn’t be that bad. They could behave, surely. 

“Actually, I don’t think –“ Alec started saying, but stopped as Magnus walked promptly past him, into the room. 

“Oh, this will do,” said Magnus, sitting down on the couch, looking pleased. He looked up at Alec, beaming. “How cozy.” 

“Right.” Taking a deep breath, Alec went in too. No going back now. All he could do at this point was to make the best out of it. Be professional. He closed the door behind him. 

There was a seat available next to Magnus on the couch but Alec figured it was better not to push his luck and sit too closely. If he were to have a productive meeting, he needed to be able to think clearly. So instead, he sat down on the chair opposite Magnus. Alec grabbed the notebook from his pocket. 

_Remember, be professional_ , Alec repeated to himself like a mantra. _Professional_. He cleared his throat. “So, did you read the patient’s medical journal?” 

“Yes, of course,” Magnus answered. “I’ve studied it quite thoroughly and I do see your dilemma. I have some suggestions though.”

“Yeah?” Alec looked up from his notebook. “What are they?” 

Magnus started discussing a range of different pharmaceutical treatments, a lot of which Alec had planned to bring up himself. When Alec mentioned this, Magnus got an impressed look on his face.

“Oh, really?” he said. “Huh. That is impressive. And here I was under the impression I was thinking outside the box.”

Alec tried not to feel too pleased at the praise. Or at least not let it show. _Chill and carefree_ , he repeated to himself. _Professional_. He tried to think of a good, thoughtful answer. “Well, you know,” is what came out. Which was not good enough. Alec tried again. “I mean, just because I also thought of something doesn’t make the fact that you thought of it too any less impressive.” _Better_. 

“True,” agreed Magnus. He leaned forward, an interest clear in his eyes as he studied Alec. “How long have you worked here? Not long, surely. I don’t recognize you and there’s no way I would have forgotten your face.” 

It sounded quite close to what Alec had thought about Magnus which Alec found slightly amusing. “A couple of weeks. Not long.”

“Huh. I realize I just said this but it is impressive that you’ve thought of all that by yourself. It takes most people years to start thinking outside of standardized treatments.” 

“Thanks.” Alec felt his cheeks warming again, despite his own reluctance. Why couldn’t his blood just stay in a discreet place, like his feet? Why did it insist on traveling all the way to his face constantly? Even though Alec did know the mechanics behind this it bothered him all the same. 

“It seems to me you just need someone to brainstorm with rather than having someone telling you what to do. You already know what is an appropriate way to proceed, you just want to get the validation first that it is a good plan.”

“I suppose there’s some truth to that.”

“Not that I mind providing that in the slightest.” Magnus smiled. “Seeing as we both thought of the same thing, the only thing left for you to do is to try out the treatment. So, I guess we’re done then, for now.”

Alec looked at a clock on the wall, above the Jacuzzi. Five minutes had passed since they had entered. “Well, that was quick.” 

Alec was so glad Simon wasn’t here as he undoubtedly would have made a “that’s what she said”-joke. 

“Yeah,” said Magnus, crossing his legs and leaning back in the sofa, not appearing to be in a rush to leave anytime soon. “Really, you could have just called me. _Although_ ,” he said, with a sly smile, “I suppose you would need my number for that.”

“Huh,” said Alec, considering that. That would indeed have been more time efficient. “Well, in hindsight I suppose I could have obtained your number through Dr. Loss. Although, I haven’t seen her in a couple of days.” If he had asked Simon for it, he probably would have been given a number to a random pizzeria instead. 

Magnus chuckled, as if Alec’s response surprised him. “Ah, yes, sweet Catarina,” he said with a fond smile on his lips. “We actually went to medical school together, did you know? She’s on vacation in Canada right now, that’s why you haven’t seen her.”

“Oh,” said Alec. “I didn’t know you went to medical school together.” 

“What? You mean she doesn’t talk about me all the time?” Magnus said in mock offense. “In all honestly though, what made you contact me then? I thought Catarina was the one who gave you the idea. And you were so polite and formal about it, I figured Catarina must the driving force behind that. No one can be that nice to a stranger.”

“Oh, right, no,” said Alec and chuckled self-consciously. “I actually, uh, I just saw your name in the patients journal and figured I’d reach out. I, um, recognized your name from medical school. I’ve read some of what you’ve written.”

Alec didn’t mention his prejudiced opinions about Magnus, although Simon had certainly played a big part in fueling them. 

But really, how was Alec supposed to know a highly respected and famous surgeon in the medical world was a very attractive man in his best days? And a kind one, too. This was real life, for god’s sake, not Greys Anatomy. 

Yet, here they were.

Magnus perked up. “Oh, really? And what did you think?”

“I thought it was fascinating,” Alec answered truthfully. “I mean, it’s very interesting, you know, neurology. It’s partly why I started working here.”

Magnus hummed. “It is. The nervous system is very complex and interesting. Quite a challenge navigating and treating.”

“Yeah.” 

“You know,” continued Magnus, “I am actually working on something right now. By myself. It’s about Alzheimer’s. About a potential method of developing an inhibiting drug.”

“Oh,” said Alec, surprised. “And, uh, how’s that going?” 

“It’s going well.” Magnus looked down at his hands and started picking at his nails. “Well, I mean, it is kind of lonely, working on this all by myself. I hardly ever get to see any patients anymore. Except when I’m performing surgery, but those patients are, as I’m sure you’re aware of, unconscious when I see them.”

“I was aware of that, yes.” Alec felt like that needed to be said. 

Magnus nodded. “And unconscious people aren’t that much of a company. And, well, I’m a very social person. If I don’t get my daily fill of human interaction I lose my mind.”

Alec couldn’t relate to that at all. “Oh, okay. I understand.”

Magnus looked up from his hands to Alec, with a curious expression on his face. “It was quite nice coming to visit here.” His eyes roamed over Alec’s face. “There is something interesting about you, Alexander.”

“Uh.” Alec suddenly felt very self-conscious. “I don’t know about that, I’m pretty ordinary.”

Smiling, Magnus raised an eyebrow. Skeptical. As if he could see right through Alec and didn’t believe a word of what he was saying. “I find that very hard to believe.”

Alec swallowed. It wasn’t that big of a deal for someone to say that there was “something interesting” about them. There was something interesting about most people. Just, hearing it from Magnus made Alec’s stomach rumble in a way that wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. 

Not trusting himself to say anything, in fear it would come out sounding stupid, Alec remained silent. Besides, he needed to keep it professional. And Alec had no idea what was a professional answer to that. 

So, they sat in silence, just looking at each other for a while. 

The clock ticked in the background. Alec focused on his breathing. 

“My point is,” Magnus finally said, breaking the silence, “I wouldn’t mind dropping by and brainstorming ideas with you occasionally. You know, sometimes, some days. It would be good for me to keep in touch with reality and see more people, I think. And you might get some peace of mind having a second opinion on your ideas. It would be mutually beneficial. Or what do you think?” 

Frowning, Alec scratched his head. Was Magnus Bane, the famous neurosurgeon whose work had inspired Alec to enter neurology, seriously asking him if he was allowed to drop by and help Alec with his job? In what universe would Alec ever say no to that? “Yeah, sure. That sounds, I mean, yeah that sounds fine.”

Magnus beamed brightly, as if this was the best news he had ever heard. “Excellent!” 

Alec smiled. This was not the outcome he had expected when he had written to Magnus some days ago, but he’d take it. The idea of seeing more of Magnus was appealing to him, for some reason. And it’s not like he had anything to lose. 

It probably wasn’t a big deal, anyway. 

 

\--

 

Alec had been right; it wasn’t a big deal. 

It was a _huge_ deal. 

When Magnus had said “sometimes, some days” Alec hadn’t anticipated _every_ morning, _every_ day. 

This is why Alec wanted specific instructions to everything. 

He probably would have said yes either way, but at least then he would have been prepared to have a slight heart attack every time he got to work and noticed an attractive man with a stethoscope dangling around his neck, sitting at his desk. 

“Have I mentioned that I _love_ that cup? It just suits you so well,” Magnus said, motioning to Alec’s signature unicorn mug, from which Alec had just drunk his second cup of coffee. 

Magnus was currently sitting next to Alec at his desk, drinking a green smoothie, containing spinach and some other weird, healthy ingredients, as he apparently did every morning for breakfast. Alec had no idea why he would do that to himself, being more of a toast guy himself, but perhaps Magnus actually liked spinach. Magnus was pretty weird in a lot of ways, Alec had discovered. 

“Yeah, I know,” said Alec. “You’ve mentioned it every day for about a week.”

Grinning, Magnus shrugged. “It’s just so perfect for you. Isabelle knew what she was doing when she bought it for you.”

“Yeah, I mean, it fills its purpose,” Alec said. “It has a nice handle. You know some cups have no handles and you have to hold directly on to them and then you burn your hand. And as a doctor, I need my hands without burns. And I have quite large hands, too. But this one has a perfectly sized handle, see.” Alec raised his cup to demonstrate his point. Magnus inspected it and nodded slowly, as if he understood. “And, you know, it has a jumping unicorn on it too, which always brightens your day.” 

Magnus had that amused sparkle in his eyes again, as he watched Alec speak. “I love the way you think.”

Alec cleared his throat and looked away. He never knew how to respond to compliments. And he had never before been complimented on his overly intricate opinion about his favorite cup. “Thanks,” he muttered. 

Alec heard some familiar footsteps; quick, decisive and stopping abruptly. 

“What the –“ said Maia, as she entered the room and spotted Magnus. “Are you here again? Don’t you have a job to do?” 

“Maybe, maybe not,” said Magnus, leaning back in his chair, taking a sip from his smoothie. “Perhaps I’m taking a break to fuel my creative outlet.”

Maia looked skeptical. “Sounds like bullshit to me.”

“It’s not bullshit,” said Magnus. “Sometimes you need a break from writing scientific articles. Sometimes, when you’ve read something too many times, you don’t actually see what you wrote - you see what you think you wrote.” 

“Whatever you say, man. It just seems kind of suspicious that you’re in a sudden need of this creative refueling right after meeting Alec for the first time. I just can’t help but to wonder if the two might be related.”

Magnus eyes grew, feigning a look of pure innocence. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.” He put a hand against his heart. “Promise.”

Maia snorted and took a step back on to the hallway. “Simon!” she called. “Come here, I need you!”

A few seconds later, Simon showed up, with a big grin on his face. He turned to Maia and bowed slightly. “The lady has summoned me.”

“Ah, yes. Thank you for being a true gentleman and arriving so quickly.” Maia smirked. “Simon, could you please tell Magnus to stop bothering Alec, because we need him focused and not distracted?”

“Uh, sure.” Simon turned to Magnus. “Magnus, would you pretty please stop bothering Alec? We need him not distracted.”

“I’m not –“ Alec began, eager to deny what they were saying, but got cut off by Magnus looking at him with big eyes. 

“Am I bothering you, Alexander?” Magnus asked, looking attentively at Alec with a sincere look on his face. He frowned slightly. “Am I a distraction? Because I will leave if you ask me to.” 

“Uh,” said Alec. Actually, he found the idea of Magnus leaving very unappealing, even if he would never admit that out loud. Despite all his blushing and stuttering, and occasional heart attack, he was actually usually calmer and in a better mood when Magnus was around, rather than when he wasn’t. Fair enough, Magnus was sometimes a distraction, but sometimes he could help Alec focus too. His desire to impress Magnus probably made him perform ten times better during most occasions. “No?”

Magnus grinned and turned back to Maia. “See? He doesn’t mind. He, unlike everyone else here, appreciates my company.”

“Yes, well,” said Maia and sat down on a chair, “that makes him a minority.”

“But an attractive minority,” Magnus said slowly, as if that made all the difference. 

Alec could feel his ears starting to burn and he stared intently at his computer, trying to compose himself. The thing was, Alec had started to notice that Magnus did that sometimes. Flirted. Made innuendos. Alec hadn’t noticed until Simon had pointed it out a couple of days ago, but now he couldn’t _un_ notice it. 

However, that was just how Magnus was. A flirty and outgoing person who enjoyed provoking reactions out of people. Sure, maybe he flirted a bit more with Alec than anyone else, but that’s just because he spent the most time with Alec. It didn’t mean anything. 

But that didn’t mean Alec didn’t slightly freak out every time it happened anyway. 

“How is that relevant?” Maia sighed. 

“It just is,” Magnus said, as if it was obvious. 

“Don’t you have a job to do, though?” Simon asked. “When I provided my services to Alec when he was contacting you, I figured it would be a one-time thing. I didn’t think it would become a daily thing.”

“Well, that truly backfired then, Shermon, didn’t it?” Magnus smirked. “And besides, what makes you think I’m not perfectly able to do my job from here?”

Simon rolled his eyes. “Two words: Alec’s biceps.”

Magnus narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms. “Touché.” 

Apparently, it was Magnus who had started the trend of rolling up your scrubs to show off your biceps better that Simon was so fond of. Although, in Alec’s opinion, Magnus pulled it off much better than Simon. 

The thing was though, despite what everyone said, Magnus did actually help Alec out a lot when he wasn’t making inappropriate comments about his biceps. A lot of times when Alec started to overthink or worry about something, talking about the issue with Magnus provided a huge relief. 

“I actually, uh, wanted to ask you something,” Alec said quietly to Magnus, hoping the subject about his biceps would drop. 

“Yes, darling?” Magnus said, scooching in closer to Alec and looking at him with a small smile on his lips, an encouragement in his eyes. 

Ignoring the pet name, and Magnus’ proximity, Alec cleared his throat and motioned at the computer. "I got the CT scan back which I asked for yesterday and it seems like there in an abundance of liquid in the patients lungs. I’ll have to prescribe some diuretics.” 

“Sounds reasonable,” said Magnus. 

“Yeah. I just want to get an artery blood gas too, to make sure the oxygen saturation levels are stable. So, I was wondering if you could perhaps come with me to keep the patient calm in the meantime.” Alec glanced at Magnus. “You’re good at that.”

“But, of course, doctor Lightwood,” said Magnus, smiling. “I am at your service.”

Alec rolled his eyes, fondly. “Just do it,” he chuckled. “I mean, if you want,” he quickly added. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

Magnus smirked. “But I do want to.”

Nodding, Alec smiled gratefully. 

Having Magnus around during every morning, every day wasn’t too bad. 

It probably wouldn’t last that long anyway. Alec knew Magnus would publish his article in a couple of weeks and start being more busy after that - meeting with clients and performing surgery regularly again. He wouldn’t have the time to drop by Alec’s neurology care ward constantly. 

But that was fine. Really. Alec would just have to enjoy it while it lasted. 

 

\-----

 

The air had an aroma of freshly grained coffee beans and brown sugar. Alec generally wasn’t that interested in smell, had never cared much for perfume or such, but this was the scent of pure heaven. 

The sun shone through the large windows at the café where Isabelle and Alec sat quite far in the back. It was probably one of Alec’s favorite cafés as he found the interior design appealing; several large wooden tables, soft chairs and mellow landscape paintings decorating the walls. It had a cozy, familiar vibe to it. It was a Sunday and Alec’s first weekend off in a long time. Alec felt at peace, having a nice time with his sister, even if he did have to put up with some things Isabelle just refused to let go. 

Alec smiled as Isabelle gave her mandatory “Why do you always order black coffee at a _café_ , Alec? Why won’t you at least try a latte?” speech.

Alec took a sip of his black beverage. “Make me.” 

Isabelle laughed and took a sip from her large, vanilla latte with an extra shot of expresso, made from soymilk. “Nope. If you want to miss out on the finer things in life, then that’s your call.”

“This, Izzy,” said Alec, raising his cup of coffee, “ _is_ the finest thing in my life.”

“That is literally so sad.”

Alec had to admit that did come out sounding a bit sadder than he had intended. “Maybe.”

“It wouldn’t kill you to try out new things, you know.”

“You have no proof of that.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes. “Like meeting new people. Anyway, so this guy from work, his name is Underhill-“

“Please, stop.” 

“No, Alec. You know what, you have a choice to make . Either, you listen to me describing a potential match for you. You don’t even have to go on a date with him, just consider it. Or-“

Alec raised his eyebrows. “Or?”

“Or try out a latte. With soymilk.”

“I’ll try out a damn latte then. With soymilk.” He pushed his own cup to the side. “This is empty anyway.”

“Well then,” Isabelle said, standing up. She went over to the counter to order. 

Alec checked his phone while she was gone, until he was confronted by a large cup of latte. It had a sweet, syrupy scent to it. Alec didn’t like it. Coffee was supposed to smell, and taste, like coffee. 

“Here goes,” he said, bringing the beverage to his lips. Alec took a sip from the sweet, foamy milk when he saw the entrance door opening and a man stepping in. And _oh no_ , not this again. Even without light green scrubs and a stethoscope dangling around his neck, Alec recognized that man. 

Alec choked on his drink. 

“Oh, come on, Alec,” said Isabelle, rolling her eyes. “It’s not _that_ bad.”

Alec quickly averted his eyes from door and scooted down a little in his chair. Perhaps he could remain unseen. Although, he couldn’t quite explain to himself why he didn’t want Magnus to see him. Magnus was great. Wonderful, even. Alec would be lying if he said he minded having Magnus around at work. Rather, the opposite was true. 

There was just something about meeting Magnus outside of work that did strike him as somewhat intimate. Seeing each other in their regular clothes instead of scrubs, having to talk to each other about something other than work. Just being Alec at a café with his sister, instead of _doctor_ Alec Lightwood at the hospital working. Having no barriers to hide behind. It could change their relationship from professional to something else. Friendly? And Alec was very intent on keeping their relationship strictly professional. He wasn’t sure he could handle a friendship with Magnus. 

“Oh, not at all,” he said, clearing his throat. “It just came down wrong. It’s good, actually.”

“Right?” Isabelle beamed. “I told you trying out new things is good for you.”

“Yeah, you were right.”

Still beaming proudly, Isabelle started talking about how she’d convinced a colleague at work to start using liquid eyeliner, when her expression suddenly shifted, her eyes lightening up. 

“Oh my god,” she whispered, leaning forward on the table. “Don’t look, but there’s a really hot guy checking you out right now. He’s waiting for his order.”

Oh, no. Alec started picking at a napkin on the table. He could feel his body warming up, his hands starting to sweat. “Mhm.” 

Isabelle smacked him on the arm. “Show a bit more enthusiasm, Alec. I mean, he’s at the counter. Look discreetly.” 

Keeping his head bent down, Alec slowly shook his head.

“Oh, come on. He’s really hot and well dressed. What’s the harm in looking?”

Alec sighed. “Fine,” he said. Maybe it wasn’t Magnus who had spotted him, but a random “well dressed hot guy” actually checking him out. So he turned around.

And, of course. No luck there. It was Magnus, leaning against the counter. As they got eye contact, Magnus raised his hand slightly in greeting. With a small smile, Alec nodded in recognition, pretending to be surprised as if this was the first time he’d seen him. 

“I told you,” Isabelle whispered. “Handsome, right?” 

“Yeah, no,” said Alec, looking back at Isabelle. “He wasn’t checking me out, as you put it. That’s Magnus. We work together.”

Isabelle shrugged. “Well, alright. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive, though.”

Alec considered this idea, but no. Surely not. They worked together, they were colleagues. Nothing more than that. It wouldn’t be appropriate. Magnus might flirt a little sometimes, but he did that with everyone. It didn’t mean anything, so Alec wasn’t going to overthink that and turn it into something it wasn’t. 

“Well, in this case they are,” he said.

“Fine,” said Isabelle. Her gaze shifted. “He’s coming over, by the way.”

Oh, fuck. 

Alec adjusted himself in his seat. Should he stand up to greet him? But then what? Hug? No, that would be … too much. Alec remained sitting.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, his heart beating rapidly in his chest, Alec looked up to face Magnus. This was fine. He could do this. 

“Hey,” he said, with a shaky smile, as Magnus approached. 

“Hello,” said Magnus, stopping at their table. He appeared to be in a good mood; smiling brightly in relaxed manner. As if it wasn’t a big deal to run into a co-worker at a café during your day off. Which Alec guessed it actually wasn’t, to most people. “Fancy seeing you here.” 

“Yeah, uh, fancy that,” said Alec. “Um, Iz, this is Magnus from work. Magnus, this is my sister Isabelle.”

“Oh, the famous sister,” Magnus said. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

“Likewise,” said Isabelle. “And may I just say how much I adore your shirt.”

It was a burgundy red shirt which was fitted tightly against Magnus’ body, its neckline low. He had several necklaces on top, which sparkled under midday sun. On top he wore a black coat with silver lining details amongst the shoulders. 

Alec thought he looked like a piece of art. He tried not to stare.

“Why, thank you.” said Magnus, grinning. “And I love your dress,” he added, motioning to Isabelle’s black, fitted, backless dress.

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” said Isabelle, with a big smile, clearly pleased. “Please, sit.”

Magnus sat down. And Alec couldn’t help himself. He took a moment to really look at Magnus. 

The thing was, Magnus always looked great. But he was different now. His hair was styled in the same way it usually was and his eyes as dramatic as always. But right now he was holding a white take away cup in a hand adorned with rings and black nail polish. One couldn’t wear things like that at the hospital due to hygienic reasons and it stuck Alec as lucky that he got to see this side of Magnus. When there were no rules holding him back. Not having to be Dr. Bane but, simply, Magnus. Not that there was anything at all simplistic about Magnus. 

“So,” said Isabelle, with a devious smile, “tell me, how is Alec at work?” 

Alec groaned. “Iz.” 

Magnus laughed. He then leaned towards Isabelle and whispered dramatically, “You want the truth?” 

Isabelle grinned. “The whole truth and nothing but the truth.” 

“Think you can handle it?” 

“Try me.”

Magnus leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. He turned to look at Alec, as if the answer to the question was written in his eyes. Seeming satisfied with his answer, Magnus turned back to face Isabelle. 

Anticipating something brutal, Alec held his breath. 

Magnus smiled. “He’s wonderful. Goes up and beyond for what he believes in. You know, it’s truly rare to find a doctor that actually cares that much about their patients and is willing to work so hard for their wellbeing.”

Alec had been right. This was brutal. Somehow, hearing praise from Magnus was almost worse than insults. Not that he had ever heard Magnus actually insult anyone. Either way, Alec couldn’t handle this. His body temperature must have doubled in the last ten seconds alone. 

“Aw,” cooed Isabelle, beaming, “that’s my brother. He’s the best.”

Magnus’ eyes locked with Alec’s. He had a gentle smile, oblivious to Alec’s torture. “He is.”

Alec returned the smile, not having a clue as to what to say to that. 

Magnus coughed. “Except for when he’s seducing his patients into a false sense of romantic adventure, of course. It’s as if no one has ever told Alexander sexual jokes are not appropriate at a work place. It’s outrageous!”

“But of course,” laughed Isabelle. “ _So_ typically Alec. Always insisting on flirting in the most inappropriate situations. But then again, no one can be expected to remain professional all the time.”

Magnus chuckled. “How true.”

“You guys are the worst,” muttered Alec, fondly. 

Magnus suddenly leaned across the table to look at Alec’s drink with interest. “What are you drinking?”

“A latte,” said Alec. “With, uh, soymilk. It’s… great.”

“Huh,” said Magnus. “I didn’t peg you for a latte sort of person. I figured you only drank black coffee regardless of where you were.”

“Oh my god,” chuckled Isabelle. “He knows you better than our parents do.” She looked at Magnus. “No, he’s only drinking this because I made him. It was either this or me talking about a potential date for him.” 

Magnus huffed, clearly surprised. “A potential date?” 

“Yeah. I try to set Alec up occasionally but he refuses to go on dates.”

“Huh,” said Magnus. He had an odd expression on his face, as it he was trying to make sense of something. He turned to look at Alec. “You don’t date, Alexander?” 

Alec shook his head. “Not if I can help it.”

“Why not?”

“Not my thing. Too much,” Alec motioned his hand, hoping his message came across, “thinking, overanalyzing and like, stress. I just can’t be bothered right now.”

“Dating isn’t supposed to be a hassle. If it is, you’re doing it wrong.” Magnus shrugged. He looked at Alec with a thoughtful expression. “Or maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet.”

“Yeah,” said Alec, wondering why Magnus was so invested in this. He had a gentle look on his face, eyes soft and lips slightly parted. It looked so far off his usual confident, eccentric persona he had at work. Alec smiled, feeling privileged he got to experience so many different sides to Magnus. “That might be it.”

The atmosphere had definitely changed a little, the air feeling thick with anticipation, and this is why you didn’t meet your co-workers outside of work. You started discussing odd subjects which should remain off topic, like dating. 

How was Alec supposed to keep it professional if he wasn’t even at work? A small part of Alec hoped some random stranger would just get a heart attack or something. Or maybe get a cupcake stuck in their throat so he could perform a Heimlich maneuver. That would be a good distraction.

Turns out Alec turned evil when he was sexually frustrated. 

… not that Alec was sexually frustrated. Or evil, for that matter. He was lawfully good. For the most part. Chaotic neutral on special occasions. 

“So, what are you drinking?” Alec asked, quickly switching the subject. 

“Oh.” Magnus looked at his take away cup as if he had forgotten he was holding it. “A cappuccino to go. In fact, I’m meeting a friend so I should probably get going.” He started standing up. “But it was lovely meeting both of you.” 

“Yes, it was lovely meeting you too,” said Isabelle with a big smile. 

Alec observed as his sister and colleague said good bye to each other. The extraordinary thing about both of them was that they were both so genuinely kind, they could say polite things like that and actually mean it. 

Smiling, Magnus turned to Alec. “I’ll see you at work, Alexander?” 

There was a look of apprehension on Magnus, as if he was worried what Alec’s answer would be. “Of course,” Alec said. 

After Magnus had left, Isabelle leaned back in her chair, smiling. “I like him,” she said. 

“Yeah,” said Alec. He started picking at the napkin again. _Me too_. 

 

\--

 

Alec took the subway home after spending the whole day with Isabelle. After their run in with Magnus at the café, they had ended up shopping in some stores during the afternoon. Which meant Isabelle had done all the shopping while Alec had provided a mandatory “yes, that looks nice” or “no, I don’t think that looks so nice” when required. Afterwards, they had eaten dinner at a Chinese restaurant Alec really liked. It was late now; the city starting to calm down, the lights shining like stars in the dark, but Alec wasn’t tired at all. There was a strange buzz in his stomach and a restlessness in his legs that he wasn’t used to. 

When he got home, Alec did his newly updated evening routine. Took a shower, tried not to think about Magnus, ate a sandwich, tried not to think about Magnus, checked his phone, tried not to think about Magnus, set his alarm, tried not to think about Magnus. 

When he had lied down in his bed, he couldn’t resist it any longer. He thought about Magnus. 

Because, like. He had looked _really_ pretty in his burgundy red shirt today. 

Alec took a deep breath. _Professional, chill and carefree_ , he repeated to himself. Alec was acutely aware there would never be a “thing” between them, but still. If Alec thought about kind brown eyes, black nail polish and bronze skin as he fell asleep that night, no one needed to know. 

And, if no one knew, surely there was no harm in indulging in fantasies. Right?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! I live for validation ♡
> 
> Take care until next time ♡


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy... ♡

There were several parts in Alec’s life he would pay good money to forget entirely. Like that time in fourth grade when the whole class had been told to dress up as whatever they wanted to be when they grew up. All the other children had gone as relatively normal professions – as a lawyer, a doctor, a nurse, a teacher; to name a few. But Alec, thanks to the insisting of Jace, had dressed up as Ash from Pokémon, a Pikachu in his hands, claiming he wanted to be a Pokémon trainer. 

For some reason, a lot of Alec’s most uncomfortable memories originated as an idea from Jace. But he wasn’t the only sibling with a knack for causing Alec pain; Isabelle was also a skilled culprit. Like that time five years ago when she had convinced Alec to try yoga with her. _There’s no harm in trying_ , she said. _It’ll be fun_ , she said. Both were lies. Alec still shuddered at the memory. 

First off, Alec wasn’t a very flexible person. He had known this before going to a yoga class, but became painfully aware of it afterwards. It honestly shouldn’t be that hard to touch your toes with straight legs, but god damn it, it was to Alec. He could barely pass his knees. It wasn’t fun being reminded of his own bodily limits and while it may not be harmful per say, it wasn’t exactly pleasant. 

But the worst part had been while he was doing a yoga position called a downward-facing dog and gotten eye contact with a cute guy in tight yoga pants, who smiled at him all of a sudden. Somehow, cute guys smiling at Alec always seemed to be his downfall. In this case literally. The shock of the situation made Alec instantly lose his footing and he fell down, hitting his head on ground. Since he fell on the yoga mat he’d stood on it didn’t hurt, but to say it was embarrassing would be the understatement of the century. Alec didn’t know what was worse – Isabelle’s uncontrollable laughter, the cute guy’s concern or the cute guy’s _girlfriend’s_ concern. 

The only good thing which had come from the whole situation was something the instructor had taught - a way of breathing to maximize your pulmonary capacity. _In through your nose and out through your mouth._ It came in handy sometimes. Whenever you needed to remain calm, centered. Needed to focus. 

Like now, when Magnus was sitting so closely that Alec could literally reach out, only a little stretch would be required, and touch him. Feel how smooth his skin was. See what Magnus’ reaction would be. 

It had been five days since their run in at the café and their relationship hadn’t really changed from the quick encounter. Not that there had been much of a relationship to begin with. Alec was still an awkward mess and Magnus was still a… well, Alec wasn’t really sure what Magnus was. 

“So,” said Magnus as he stretched out in his chair, one that was basically permanently positioned next to Alec’s at his desk now. Alec focused on his breathing – _in through your nose and out through your mouth._ “What are your plans for this weekend, Alexander? Working?” 

“No,” said Alec, absentmindedly. He was currently writing an email to the female patient who Magnus had helped with treating. She had been discharged a couple of days ago and Alec was making sure she was taking her medicine as prescribed. In so many cases his patients got readmitted due to their unwillingness to do as they had been advised. He also just wanted to make sure she was doing okay. He would hate to see her back here, especially after all their hard work. “I, uh, actually have the weekend off again.”

“Oh.” Magnus picked up a pen and started swirling it around in his fingers. “Me too. Although, not that I’m doing anything in particular. I’ll be all by myself, all weekend. No one to be with, just enjoying my own company… and my cat of course, can’t forget the Chairman.” 

“Hmm. Sounds nice.” It was rare that Alec personally found days where he could just be by himself all day. “Hey, maybe you could work on your scientific article. Didn’t you say it was due next Wednesday and you had a ton of work left?”

Sighing, Magnus started drawing something in Alec’s notebook. “I did say that, that is true. You make a valid argument, Alexander.”

Alec smiled, pleased, and returned his focus to his email. 

“Are you doing anything this weekend, then?” Magnus asked, after he had finished his drawing. Instead, he started stabbing Alec gently in the stomach with the pen, right beneath his ribs to get his attention. “Since you’re a free man and all.”

Eyes never leaving his screen, Alec stopped Magnus’ hand. He’d gotten used to Magnus being slightly hyperactive whenever he was bored. He put the pen back on the desk. “It’s my mom’s birthday today so we’re celebrating her tomorrow at Jace and Clary’s place.”

“You don’t sound very enthusiastic.” Magnus picked the pen up again and this time put it in his mouth and bit it. 

“I’m not,” admitted Alec. “Dad won’t be there since he’s in Europe working and Max won’t be there because he’s busy with exams, as always. So it’ll be me, mom, Jace, Iz and Clary. Which means mom will enter crazy inquisitor mode and start questioning everything in all our lives.” 

This time, Magnus put down the pen, cupped his face in his hand and looked at Alec attentively. “Are you worried?” 

“Not worried, really. Just tired. When you’ve been through the same cycle enough times, it’s not hurtful - it’s just annoying.” 

“Let me know how it goes, okay?” 

Alec nodded. “Will do.”

“And you, Sheldon?” Magnus' eyes left Alec and he addressed the nurse sitting a couple of feet away; hands on his lap, eyes big and hopeful. “What are your plans?” 

“Finally,” said Simon, as he rose from his chair. “I’ve been sitting here doing absolutely nothing, waiting to get invited over to your conversation for roughly three minutes now. It’s been torture.”

“Sorry,” said Magnus, not sounding very sorry at all. 

“Me and Maia are going to see a movie at the cinema.” Simon stopped walking and leaned on Alec’s chair on his elbows, basically speaking directly into Alec’s ear. “Also, Kingdom Hearts 3 is released this weekend so I’ll be playing that in the remaining hours.”

“Fascinating,” said Magnus. 

“Maia or the video game? I’m equally excited for both but don’t tell Maia that.”

“Wait,” said Alec. He gave up completely on trying to write the email. He’d have to do that later, when he was by himself. “You and Maia? Do you guys hang out in your spare time? Outside of work?”

“ _Outrageous_ ,” muttered Magnus under his breath. 

Simon rolled his eyes. “Well, we certainly don’t hang out _at work_ during our spare time.” 

“Huh. Isn’t that weird?”

“Why would it be weird?” 

“Well, I don’t know. I mean, are you going as friends or as… as more?” 

“That’s for me to know, and you to find out. Besides,” Simon addressed Magnus, “didn’t you date a colleague once, Magnus? Another surgeon? What was her name - Cristina?”

“Camille,” corrected Magnus. “I did, yes. Although, to be fair, that did end horribly.” He glanced at Alec. “But, you know, one shouldn’t let one bad experience ruin all future efforts. Now, I, personally, wouldn’t be opposed to dating a fellow colleague again. Not opposed at all.”

Alec’s mind immediately conjured a wide range of attractive surgeons probably working with Magnus on a daily basis. They must all be really close, having to perform hour long surgeries together. And they were all probably nauseatingly rich and smart, too. Alec felt his stomach drop. Looking down, he started picking his nails. “As long as you can remain professional at work, I guess it’s fine,” he muttered.

“Luckily for me, I am always a professional,” said Simon. “A level fifty druid with a freaking lion as an animal companion could walk in here and offer me a quest with a reward of endless experience, money and fame, and I’d be like: no thank you, sir, not today. I’m a professional and I have a job to do.”

“Impressive,” said Alec. “And yet, here you are, discussing video games with me and Magnus. Instead of working.”

“I fail to see your point, doctor Alec.”

“No point, nurse Simon. Only making an observation.”

Simon raised an eyebrow, his mouth slightly opened. His eyes flickered between Alec and Magnus. “Well, I could make several observations, too.”

Alec frowned. “What do you mean?” He turned to Magnus. “What does he mean?” 

Magnus merely shrugged. “How would I know?” 

“Let’s just say,” Simon said, unnecessarily cryptic, “the student has become the master.”

“The master of what?” Alec asked, his voice turning high. “I am so confused.”

“The fact that you do not know is why it must be you.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Okay, okay,” said Magnus, patiently, as though he was addressing kindergarteners. “Let’s drop this. What movie are you and Maia watching?” 

“The remake of a science fiction movie from the 80’s. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s pretty indie. Me and Maia are into stuff like that.”

“Is it the new Blade runner?”

“… Perhaps.” Simon reached forward to pick up Alec’s notebook. “Anyway, so what’s this?” 

“Oh, it’s a drawing I made of Alexander,” said Magnus. “I’m not much a of an artist, but I couldn’t resist when I had such a lovely muse sitting across from me.”

“What -“ said Alec and grabbed the notebook from Simon’s hands. He stared at the picture and looked up with a frown. It was… well, he could see why Magnus wouldn’t call himself an artist. “What are these lines on my cheeks?” 

“Your cheekbones, of course,” said Magnus, as if it was obvious. “What? You do have very nice cheekbones.” 

Alec felt a swoop in his stomach. “Thanks, you too,” he replied, automatically, and immediately felt the familiar flush of blood to his cheeks. _Not professional._

“Oh.” Magnus chuckled. “Why, thank you.” 

Simon coughed. “You have nice cheekbones too, Simon,” he said in a voice which was probably meant to be an imitation of Alec’s. “Aw, thank you, Alec. I’m so happy I get to be included.”

“Sorry,” Alec sighed. “You have nice cheekbones too, Simon. A natural highlight at the top of your cheekbone. No blush or bronzer needed.”

Shifting in his chair, Magnus looked at Alec with something close to surprise, or fascination, in his eyes. “Do you know makeup?” 

“Not voluntarily,” said Alec. “Isabelle likes talking about it and some sticks with me whether I want it to or not. So, if you’re ever in need of a new eyeliner, I know which brands sell the best ones. You know, the ones that don’t smudge under your eyes.”

Magnus leaned forward slightly, something almost wicked in his grin. “You never seize to amaze me, Alec.”

“Uh,” said Alec. His hands started sweating so he rubbed them against his pants frantically. He couldn’t hold the intensity of Magnus’ gaze - there was a pink post it note with a smiley on his desk he decided to focus on instead. “That’s nice.”

“Anyway, back to me,” said Simon, waving a hand in front of Magnus, who leaned back, causing Alec’s breathing capacity to start functioning again. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having fun with your colleagues in your spare time. Besides, me and Maia are meeting you outside of work next Friday night, aren’t we, Alec?” 

Alec sighed deeply. “Whatever are you talking about?” 

“Doctor Loss’ birthday, obviously. We’re all going to a bar to celebrate her. The whole department is coming. And you’ll be there too, right? Please, please, please, please -” 

Thankfully, the familiar ringtone of Alec’s phone soared through the room just then, interrupting Simon’s begging. “Sure. Fine. If you’ll excuse me,” mumbled Alec as he left the room to answer.

When he came back, he found the seat Magnus had sat in tragically empty and Simon back at his own computer. 

“Magnus had to get back to work,” said Simon, as if he'd heard Alec ‘s unasked question. 

“Okay.” Alec sat down at his desk. “Thanks.”

The drawing Magnus had made of him caught Alec’s eye. He picked it up to take a good look at it. It was truly unflattering; his face was round like an egg, his eyes were two simple black dots, his nose just a straight line, his mouth was a line drawn as a half circle and his hair was huge and chaotic, like an anime character’s. And perhaps Alec did have nice cheekbones, but one wouldn’t know that by looking at this drawing. 

An involuntary chuckle left Alec’s lips. Even Max could draw better at the age of five. But still. It was something Magnus had made just for him and that made it precious. Priceless. 

Stealthily, Alec ripped out the page which Magnus had drawn on and put it in a drawer. Maybe it wasn’t the most professional thing to do, but Alec wasn’t going to tell anyone about his hidden treasure. Besides, Alec could feel his resolve regarding that matter slowly slipping away, anyway. 

Either way, it’s not like they were ever going to be anything more than friends. In fact, they probably weren’t even going stay in each other’s lives that much longer either. That’s usually how these things went. 

 

\-- 

 

The dish in front of Alec smelled delightful – the salmon smelling deliciously salty and seasoned with a mixture of spices Alec didn’t know the name of, with roasted potatoes on the side. Alec had never really gotten along that well with Clary, something about her unending positivity and idealistic mindset clashed with Alec’s practicality, making it hard for them to find common ground. But he couldn’t deny – she was a good cook. And you probably needed a positive mindset if you were to survive being in an intimate relationship with Jace; so good for her, really. 

“So, Alec,” Maryse said, wiping red wine from her lips, “how’s work?” 

She sat between Jace and Clary, having just finished her meal. The bright light shone on her styled hair and black dress. Her posture was straight, proud, her chin lifted up slightly, as if she’d been born to sit in the spotlight under Jace and Clary’s IKEA lamp. 

“It’s fine,” said Alec, after he had swallowed his mouthful of potato. He knew his mom hated it when people talked with food in their mouths. 

“Just fine?”

“Yes, um.” Alec didn’t mind talking about his job, it was one of the few things in his life where he felt his parents actually approved. One area of his life where he could say: so, are you happy now? Are you pleased? And the answer would actually be _yes_. Certainly, they’d find something to disapprove of soon enough (You haven’t had a promotion yet? Aren’t you going to choose an area to specialize in sometime soon?) but at the moment they were content. “Actually, it’s going really well.”

“That’s wonderful.” The smile on Maryse’s lips disappeared slowly and she took a deep breath as if she was preparing herself for something. “And are you… seeing anybody?” 

Immediately, the shift in the atmosphere became palpable. They’d talk about Alec’s love life, but it was unwillingly for everyone involved. Like it was a chore that needed to be done, not something anyone took actual pleasure in. Even though Alec’s parents had never actively disapproved of his sexuality, they had been experts on avoiding the subject too - pretending like it wasn’t a thing. They had gotten better lately, clearly trying to show an interest, but Alec could tell it took an effort to do so. 

And Alec himself wasn’t too keen on discussing his love life, or lack thereof. He certainly wasn’t going to start talking about the hot neurosurgeon who had taken up residence at his job. There were just some things his family didn’t need to know. 

“No, I’m not –“ 

“So, Alec hasn’t told you about Magnus?” Jace interrupted. 

“No, Jace, that’s not-“ 

“Who’s Magnus?” asked Maryse, with a frown. 

“No one.”

“No one, huh?” Jace crossed his arms. “I’ll tell Magnus you said that.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “I mean, obviously he’s someone. Just no one mom needs to know about.” 

“Alright,” said Maryse, voice stiff. “If you say so. He’s not a… not a boyfriend, then?” 

“No,” said Alec. “Not a boyfriend.”

“ _Yet_ ,” added Jace. 

“Oh my god, Jace, shut up,” said Alec. 

“Yes, please Jace, just be quiet,” Clary agreed.

“What?” Jace said. “They’d be great together.”

Maryse looked slightly uncomfortable, her lips pressed tightly together. Distantly, Alec could remember how people with that expression used to make him feel – feel ashamed of what was supposed to be the most personal part of his life.

Disappointment always burrowed deep in Alec; he couldn’t brush it off the way people like Jace could. But he had grown a lot in the recent years and learned that he had no reason to feel like he’d disappointed anyone. So, he refused to feel like that ever again. Refused to give people that power over him. 

Alec cleared his throat. “If you must know, Magnus is a neurosurgeon working at the same hospital as me.”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

“He also happens to be a very attractive and kind man. Although,” he added and addressed Jace, “we’re just colleagues. Friends at the most.”

“I see,” said Maryse. “Well, he sounds like a good man and I’m certain you can develop a good professional relationship. It’s nice having colleagues you get along with. Besides, you’ve never been one for romance, anyway.”

Alec huffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You know. You’re too, I don’t know, you’re too cynical.”

“I’m not cynical,” Alec said, with a frown. “Practical, maybe. But not cynical. I believe in people. Most of the time.” 

Maryse took a deep breath, her eyes sympathetic. “It’s not a bad thing, Alec. But your aspirations have always been in academia and practical matters. And look where it has led you – to a highly respected job. A _doctor_. And we are all so proud of you. There is nothing wrong with having your priorities lie in building a career instead of a family.”

“Yeah, you’re right. There is nothing wrong with that. It just doesn’t apply to me.” Alec shrugged. “I just haven’t met the right person yet.”

“And are you looking for the right, well, _man_ for you?” 

Alec hated how she used the word “man” as if it was something she had to make a conscious effort to say – like it was some sort of inappropriate word which she might get in trouble for using. 

“I’m not actively looking for a male partner, no.”

“And why is that?” 

“Because, mom,” _stress, anxiety, exhaustion, expectations, disappointment,_ “it’s just not the right time right now. Too impractical. And besides, it’s none of your business. I don’t need to explain myself to you.”

“See, that’s what I mean, Alec.” Maryse raised her eyebrows as if Alec had just proven some sort of point. “Cynical.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Oh my god.”

Thing was, despite what his mother might think, Alec was actually a romantic to the core. 

Not in the sense that he enjoyed romantic comedies, read romance books or enjoyed exploring the world of dating in search of “the one”. Not that there was anything wrong with either of those things; he knew Jace loved watching Love Actually on repeat, Clary was reading through a massive book series about a couple she “shipped”, whatever that meant, and Isabelle certainly enjoyed the thrill of dating. 

But Alec didn’t find a thrill in dating and meeting a bunch of random people only to discover he had nothing in common with them. And he didn’t want a love story like in mainstream entertainment; where the love interest so often was a douchebag who was rude to everyone except the protagonist. Alec didn’t want a douchebag that he “needed to fix”. He didn’t want an Edward Cullen or a Christian Grey. And Alec himself also wasn’t some insecure mess who needed validation from a partner to feel like he was important and valid. Alec knew he was important, valid, and needed to a lot of people and didn’t need a man to tell him so. 

Ultimately, Alec just wanted to be _seen_. 

So often, Alec felt like he was playing a part. He wasn’t lying per say, but he exaggerated the parts of himself he knew people expected; the ones they wanted to see. At work he was happy and content Alec, whose main priority was his job. Who you didn’t need to worry about – he was fine. 

With his parents he was happy and ambitious Alec, who had a stable job with a secure income and had fulfilled what he wanted from life. Who you didn’t need to worry about – he was fine. 

Just, sometimes he wanted to be slightly neurotic, overthinking and grumpy Alec who wasn’t always fine; who wasn’t always in a good mood; and for that to be okay too. He could mostly be truly himself around Isabelle and Jace, but they were family. They had to love him - it came with the job. 

Alec wanted to be _chosen_. 

He wanted someone to see _him_ \- his flaws and imperfections, his weaknesses and his errors, and not try to fix him or validate him. He didn’t want that or need that. 

He simply wanted someone to see him for all he was, the good and the bad, and choose him regardless of that. Because of that. To look at him and say: 

_I see you. I see you and I love you._

_I see you and I chose you._

Alec just had no idea how to find him. Or what he would even do once he did. And how would he know once he had? Or maybe… _maybe_ he already had? 

Which, nope, nope, nope. Alec took a large sip of wine and put a stop to that train of thought. No point in getting your hopes up because an interesting and frankly almost disturbingly gorgeous man had told you that you have nice cheekbones. A classic trap. 

“Anyway, so I broke up with Meliorn,” said Isabelle out of the blue. She could probably feel the tension in the air and decided to come to Alec’s rescue in the form of distracting Maryse. 

It worked.

“What?” Maryse forcefully put down her glass of wine. “Why?” 

“He wasn’t good enough for me.”

Thus ensued the mandatory interrogation of Alec’s little sister. 

Alec smiled ruefully as he watched Isabelle sit proudly while every aspect of her life was being questioned. Alec knew he was the older sibling, the one who was supposed to be the role model, but pride in himself and the strength to fight for what he believed in was something he had learned from his younger sister. And he was endlessly thankful for all she had taught him. 

Certainly, love came with the job when you were family. But even if Alec and Isabelle hadn’t been born with the same parents, weren’t related at all, and Alec for some reason could have chosen any girl in the world to be his little sister - he would have chosen her. A million times over. Always Isabelle. 

And Jace and Max were both pretty annoying sometimes, but Alec would have chosen them both as brothers too. 

Now Alec just wanted to find, and choose, the person who would be closer to him than anyone had ever before - and ever would be. 

Alec was ready. 

 

\--

 

Alec stared at the painting in front of him with a puzzled frown, hoping to uncover its deeper meaning. It was an image painted in an old fashioned style; on it was a crying patient lying in a bed with a doctor and nurse standing next them, looking severe. Like the bringer of bad news; bringer of death. Very ominous. If it were up to Alec, he’d put more happy pictures up at the hospital: like of beautiful landscapes or cute animals. Something that could bring a smile to people’s lips. Not pieces that inspired sorrow out of people - they had enough of that already.

Alec sighed deeply, deciding there and then that he needed a fourth cup of coffee. Now, that’s what they should have as wall decoration – a painting of a coffee fountain. That would certainly brighten people’s mood. 

Behind Alec, people walked vigorously back and forward: patients, relatives, nurses, doctors. The regular buzz of the everyday hospital work echoed through the hallway. Infinite movements and discussions. Never stopping, never silent, never ending. 

Yet, a pair of footstep stood out from the crowd: loud, steady, familiar. When they stopped, Alec looked away from the painting and turned to face his brother. 

“So,” said Jace, “I just had a talk with Greg, as you asked me to.” 

“Right,” said Alec. The older man had been discharged only about a week ago, once his fever had gone down and his antibiotics treatment was finished. Yet, he’d ended up at the ER again only yesterday, with a big wound on his head. Once again, he was left in Alec’s care. “And what did he say?” 

“He claims he fell down last night right after the sun had set. He wanted to use the toilet after he’d gone to bed and ended up falling over once he’d reached the bathroom, hitting the sink in the process. Apparently, he had forgotten to use the walking aids he had received from us the last time he was here.”

“Oh, okay.” Alec tapped a pen against his leg. “I’ll have a talk with him later.”

“Do that.” Jace leaned against the wall, arms crossed. “So…”

Alec raised an eyebrow. “So, what?” 

“Where is Magnus?” 

“ _Jace_ ,” Alec groaned. Of course Jace would immediately switch the conversation over to that. 

Also, the question brought back an ice cold feeling to Alec’s stomach he would rather ignore completely. He would deal with this emotion later. “Later” being an unspecific time which would probably never arrive. Alec had perfected the art of burying his unwanted feelings. 

“What? I’m just asking. Where is he?” 

“Um.” Inhaling, Alec prepared himself into pretending he hadn’t asked himself the same question for the last four days. That he didn’t care. “I don’t know. Busy, probably.”

“Weird, though. He hasn’t been here all week.”

Alec nodded slowly. He’d known this day would come - the day when Magnus realized he had better things to do than hang out with Alec. He’d known it but he still hadn’t been prepared. “I’m aware.”

“I had kind of gotten used to him hanging around.”

“Mhm.”

There was a silence. Alec resumed his staring at the gloomy painting. 

“You okay, buddy?” Jace asked. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” 

Another silence lingered. Alec didn’t move his gaze from the painting, but he could feel the penetrating intensity of Jace’s stare. Like he could know what Alec was thinking simply by looking at him. 

Finally, Jace spoke. “You’re actually being kind of selfish, you know that, right?”

“Um, excuse me?” This time, Alec looked squarely at Jace. “What?” 

“Yeah!” Jace said, and kicked himself off the wall and started moving about the hallway, skillfully avoiding the other people. “Like, Magnus comes here all the time to be with you. And blah, blah, blah, you can say whatever you want. He’s here for work, or whatever. Bur really, he’s here for company - your company. But you, instead of going to visit him, sit here and mope because Magnus isn’t here. Like, jesus, he’s a five minutes walk away. Go to him. Literally, what’s stopping you? Go during your lunch if you’re busy.” 

It’s not like Alec hadn’t thought about it. He had considered going a couple of times, as in roughly ten times per hour for the last four days, but had always ended up not doing it. He’d even tried to come up with an excuse as to why he could come over. Maybe if Alec needed something very important… But Alec couldn’t think of a single important thing he needed. Except for his need to tell Magnus how exhausting his mom was. But he couldn’t use that as an excuse. 

“I don’t want to bother him,” admitted Alec, reluctantly. 

“Really, Alec?” said Jace, as if it was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. “Not wanting to bother him? He’s here all the freaking time annoying literally everyone, except maybe you, and do you think he cares?”

“No.” 

Alec knew it was irrational. Just every time he pictured going, his mind would conjure this imagine of Magnus being drowned in work and experiencing a mixture between surprise and irritation as he saw Alec. He’d wonder why Alec had come, just to annoy him. Maybe he’d mask it up, act happy, but Alec would feel stupid. Embarrassed. 

Logically, Alec knew that’s probably not what would happen - Magnus was never mean and actually appreciated social interaction, so rationally he would be happy to have Alec visiting. But Alec couldn’t be certain of that and that made him hesitate. He didn’t know what would happen if he went. So it just felt safer to stay where he was and not suffer through what might potentially be an awkward and uncomfortable experience. 

And secretly hope Magnus would come back, because honestly, Alec missed him. 

“And why would you even think you’re bothering him anyway?” continued Jace. “He’s so into you it’s almost painful to watch.” 

“I doubt he’s into me,” muttered Alec. If he was, surely he would have done something by now. At least, let him know why he didn’t show up anymore. Not just stop their contact so abruptly. Unless maybe… maybe Magnus was hurt in some way. Or sick. He could have caught something. Maybe that was why. A seed of worry was beginning to grow in Alec’s stomach. “But maybe you’re right. Maybe I should go.”

“Hell, yeah, you should. There’s barely anything happening here anyway. Go check on Greg and then go check on Magnus.” Grinning, Jace patted Alec so hard on the back it almost threw Alec off balance. “Tell him I said hi.”

“Sure.”

First, Alec went to pay Greg a visit, who was unreasonably cheery for someone who had been admitted into the hospital two times in less than a month. Alec told him he’d set up an appointment for a MRI scan to check for head injuries or any neurological diseases. Hopefully, an appointment would be available soon. Greg told Alec he had every faith he would be well taken cared off. 

After, Alec went through the long, white washed walls of the hospital in search of the surgery ward in the west wing. He passed by endless health professionals, patients and their relatives on the way. Something Alec had always appreciated about working in a hospital was how easily he could blend it. He didn’t feel awkward as he walked through the long hallway, as he so often otherwise did. They were all the same here, they all had something in common. Even Alec belonged. 

After a couple of minutes of walking, Alec stopped at a sign saying: “General and Specialized Surgery.” The department where he knew Magnus worked.

Alec took a deep breath and entered through the door beneath the sign. Once inside, he spotted a reception, and walked towards it. 

“Hi, excuse me,” said Alec as he approached the large wooden desk. Behind it a nurse with black hair sat; his brown eyes firmly focused on the screen in front of him. 

“Hello,” the nurse replied in a monotone voice as he continued to type at his computer, not even sparing Alec a glance. “How may I help you?” 

“I’m looking for doctor Magnus Bane, the neurosurgeon. Is he working today?”

The nurse continued typing rapidly at his computer. “And what is your business with Dr. Bane?” 

“Well, it’s, uh, work related.”

“ _Work related_ ,” the nurse repeated with a chuckle, as if he found Alec’s answer humorous. “Well, Dr. Bane is in surgery right now but I can show you to his –“

“Oh, no,” said Alec, quickly, “if he’s busy, I can come back-“

“No, it’s fine.” The nurse finally stopped typing and looked up from his computer screen with a sigh, giving Alec a quick look over. “You’re Alexander, right? He’ll want to see you.”

“Oh.” Alec felt a swirl in his stomach. He leaned over the desk and lowered his voice. “How - how did you know that?” 

The nurse pointed at something on Alec’s shirt. “Your ID badge.”

“Right.” Alec smiled sheepishly and looked at the nurse’s ID badge. “Good call, um, Raphael.”

“Yeah, I’m perceptive like that. Anyway, come with me.”

Alec followed the nurse, Raphael, through a crowd of people, all wearing either light blue, light green or light grey scrubs, as was standard for people working in surgery. Alec did stand out a little now in his entirely white outfit. 

What caught Alec’s attention was that they were all fairly regular looking people. They didn’t seem excessively arrogant or snobby, as he might have anticipated. Some were drinking coffee, some texting on their phones or just doing regular, ordinary things that common people did. 

Alec wasn’t really sure what he’d expected, but not for them to all look so normal, so average. 

“You’re in luck,” Raphael said suddenly, as he stopped walking. “Apparently, he’s just finished.”

Alec followed Raphael’s line of vision and spotted Magnus over by a large sink, washing his arms and hands carefully, soap foaming up to his elbows. The least average looking person in the whole building. He hadn’t seen Alec yet, still Alec’s heartbeat immediately sped up. It had been less than one week, but it had felt like ages. 

Alec prayed coming here hadn’t been a bad idea. 

“Magnus!” Raphael called, causing Alec to jump slightly. “You have company. It’s, air quotes, _work related_.” 

Raphael gave Alec a push forward, and promptly walked back, leaving Alec all by himself.

Now, Magnus looked up from his washing and their eyes met. Alec did a stiff hand wave as he walked forward with uncertain steps. His stomach felt tight with nerves. 

A big smile grew on Magnus’ face. He washed the last foam off from his arms, took paper from a container and started drying them. “Do my eyes betray me or is that my favorite physician, Doctor tall, dark and handsome I see coming my way?”

Shifting awkwardly where he stood, Alec took a look around himself. “Um, if it’s me, Alec, you mean, then yes. I’m here. Obviously.” 

Tossing the paper in a bin, Magnus beamed brightly. “I’m so glad to see you. And to what do I owe the pleasure?” 

Alec’s mind raced, trying to think of an excuse. He settled on telling him the truth. Or at least a fraction of the truth. 

“Well, you know, I haven’t seen you in a while… And I started to worry a bit. So, I just wanted to see how you were doing, if everything was okay.” 

Magnus’ eyes softened. “That’s very sweet of you.” 

Alec’s cheeks heated. His voice sped up. “I mean, I haven’t heard from you at all, for almost a week, and it’s been weird -“

Taking a step closer, Magnus put a hand on Alec’s arm. “But how would I contact you when you still haven’t given me your number, darling?” 

“Oh, right. Okay, um.” Alec swallowed and picked up his phone from his pocket. “You can, uh, add yourself as a contact. Please. If you want.”

Smirking, Magnus typed in his number. 

“This way,” said Alec, “you can let me know if anything is wrong or whatever and if, uh, you know, if you need anything. Or for whatever other reason. I mean, you can text me about whatever you want, really. I’m not picky.” 

Magnus winked. “Don’t worry, I’ll let you know if I’m in need of a doctor.”

“Right. That’s… good. I’m a doctor, so.”

Magnus handed back the phone, grinning. “I’m aware.” 

“Good, um.” Alec took a look around himself. “So, anyway, nice place you’ve got here.” 

And Alec wanted to facepalm himself. He had absolutely no idea if that was an appropriate comment, or observation, to make about someone’s workplace. It sounded more like how you’d compliment someone’s home. Did one even compliment other people’s workplace? 

“Oh, thank you!” Thankfully, Magnus seemed to appreciate the sentiment. “Let me show you around.”

Guiding Alec by the arm, Magnus showed him the rooms where they performed different sorts of surgery; orthopedic, emergency, neurological and vascular surgery. The whole department was huge. Alec was slightly shook that these many people could co-exist and work together without chaos ensuing. 

Finally, they reached some sort of waiting room, which had a quieter, calmer air to it. There were a couple of people sitting on a long green couch, probably awaiting counseling of some sort. They all stared down at their phones, except an old lady who looked at TV screen which was showing some kind of gardening show. 

“And this is my office,” Magnus said, directing Alec into a small room, a bit secluded from the rest. “This is usually where I meet my patients before their surgery, to discuss whatever we need to discuss.”

Alec stopped by the entrance and took in the view. In the room were two expensive looking armchairs and a desk, behind which was a window overlooking the parking lot. “Looks… nice.”

“Thank you.” Magnus closed the door behind Alec and motioned to a chair. “Please, sit.”

“Are you sure?” Alec lingered by the door, looking hesitantly about the room. On the desk was a huge pile of scattered papers. On the floor were several empty containers of take away food and take away coffee containers. The room was in a disarray, basically. “I can leave if you have work to do.”

“Well, I do,” admitted Magnus, as he started picking up stuff from the floor. “But you being here will provide me with the perfect excuse to avoid doing it. Therefore, I must insist. Please, sit.”

“Do you need help with -” Alec motioned to the floor and the scatted containers.

“No, thank you. Just kindly forget you ever saw my office in such a messy state.” 

“Consider the memory erased.”

“This wasn’t how I wanted it look like when I showed you my office for the first time.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry, darling. I’m glad you’re here.” Magnus threw the garbage in a trash bin. He gave Alec a pointed, yet fond, look. “Again, _please_ , sit.”

This time, Alec resisted his urge to offer more help with the cleaning, and complied. 

After seemingly satisfied with the cleaning, Magnus too sat down in the armchair opposite Alec. There was this restless air to him; a flickering gaze, shallow breathing, like he was ready to leave again any second if necessary. 

Alec leaned forward, his elbows placed on his knees. “Hey - how are you? Are you okay?” 

“Hm? Oh, yes, fine,” said Magnus, with an hint of surprise, as if people normally didn’t ask him that. “There has just been a lot this week, many people calling in sick lately so they needed an extra pair of hands. Also, I sent in my article for peer reviewing yesterday, so I’ve been stuck writing and editing for days now. Have barely had time to sleep.”

“That’s great,” Alec said. “That you’ve sent in your article, I mean. Not the no sleeping part. That’s not good. You should let me know so I can help next time. Like you’ve helped me.“

Magnus chuckled fondly. “I don’t help you, Alec. You manage perfectly fine without me. If anything, you’re helping me by letting me help you, even though you don’t need it.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“But I do.” Magnus smile was patient, as if he knew something Alec didn’t. Alec looked into those deep brown eyes and felt a deep calm settle in him. A calm he hasn’t felt all week. He nodded, in acceptance of what Magnus was saying. 

“So,” said Magnus, slowly, “how was your family dinner last weekend?” 

Alec couldn’t help snorting. “The usual. Mom wanting to know everything about everything, and no matter what your answer is, it’s always the wrong one.”

“Ah, yes. A parent’s love can be suffocating.”

“I know it’s because she cares but she could express her care a bit differently, I think.”

“Yeah, well. It’s not always easy to love the way you would want to be loved yourself.”

“Right…” said Alec, considering that. “And what about you? What are your parents like?” 

Alec wasn’t really sure why he asked Magnus that. He just had this urge to get to know Magnus better. 

“Well,” Magnus put his hands together, “my dad left me and my mom when I was five.”

Immediately, guilt filled Alec’s stomach and he regretted bringing it up. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Magnus said, instantly. “It’s fine. We were better off without him. Truthfully, I have no idea what he’s up to now, haven’t had any contact with him for over twenty years. Nor do I want it.” 

Alec nodded, slowly, urging Magnus to continue. 

“My mom remarried when I was ten, I think. To a great man, this time. He worked as a fire fighter and helped out at a shelter during his spare time. He was amazing, more of a father to me than my biological one.” Magnus swallowed. “However, he died of lung cancer when I was in high school.”

“Oh.” 

“It was the main reason I decided to pursue a career in medicine. If I could do anything, anything at all, to stop other people from suffering the way my family had, then that’s what I wanted to do.” 

“I can understand that.” Alec hesitated. “And your mother? Is she -?” He wasn’t really sure exactly himself what he was asking. Is she okay? Is she taking care of you? Are you taking care of her? Do you get along?

“My mother is the best person I know,” Magnus answered, simply. As if that was the answer to everything. “She’s my angel. Although, she isn’t as opinioned about my life as she used to be.”

Something about the crestfallen expression on Magnus’s face told Alec that there was more to this story. But he didn’t want to press. Magnus would tell when he felt ready, he hoped. 

“The two of us used to have an amazing time together,” continued Magnus. “Not that I appreciated it fully, back then.” A small grin grew on Magnus lips as his gaze traveled to his desk where a photograph was framed. He stood up, removed it from the desk and showed it to Alec. “Here.”

On the picture was a woman and a boy who were clearly related; having the same bone structure and the same dark hair. A middle aged woman and teenage boy. A mother and a son. The teenager had black pants, a long black coat and there seemed to be some sort of band t-shirt underneath. His brown eyes were encircled with glittery blue eyeshadow and a thick fringe covered half his frowning face. 

“No way.” Alec snatched the picture and stared at it intently. “Is that _you_?” 

“Yeah. Me and my mom. Her name is Kemala. It was during my emo phase.” 

The boy and the woman, who was much more sensible looking in a smart grey suit, were standing in front of a Paris wheel at an amusement park Alec recognized from the edge of New York. The woman hugged the boy tightly from behind, even though she was the shorter one, with a proud, joyful smile on her face. Her eyes gleamed under the shining, neon lights. The boy on the other hand had this expression saying: _oh my god, mom, you’re so embarrassing. What if my friends see us?_

Alec looked up, raising both his eyebrows, couldn’t help his massive beam. “Your _emo phase_?” 

“What? You didn’t have one?” 

Grinning, Alec handed back the photograph. “Iz says I never grew out of it.”

“Hm.”

“Have you always been this, uh… “ Alec looked at the polished, yet no doubt dynamic, man in front of him and compared him to the angsty looking teenage boy in the picture, “ _passionate_ about the way you look?” Alec hoped it wasn’t an offensive question; he just wanted to understand Magnus better. 

“I think so,” mused Magnus. He bit his lip and tapped his fingers against the photograph. “I learned early on that people are going to judge you no matter what. Over your skin color, your sexual orientation, your every move - your every decision. Over the things you are in control over and the things that you absolutely aren’t in control over.” He put the picture back on the desk, exactly where it had stood before. “I know a lot of people would call me eccentric, over the top, based simply on the way I look. Which is fair enough, I do put a lot of effort into how I come across to people. It’s just, you know, if people are going to judge me, I want it to be over something I control. Over something I chose. If that makes sense.”

“Yeah,” said Alec, breathless. “That makes sense.”

“You know, it’s actually kind of funny.” Magnus sat down again. He had this distant, forlorn look in his eyes as if he had entered some faraway place where only he could go; and had been before, plenty of times. He stared at something on the wall, something unreal, a small frown on his face. Alec tried to follow him. “Sometimes, when people look at me, I want to look them in the eye and ask: who do you think you’re talking to right now? Who do you think _I am_? And sometimes, you may think they see the real you, but they actually don’t. Like my ex, Camille.” 

“Uh,” said Alec, scratching the back of his head, trying to keep up, “you mean Camille, the surgeon Simon mentioned?”

“Yes, exactly. We were in a relationship for four years. My mom never liked her.” Magnus chuckled ruefully. “You know, they say love makes you blind, and I think there is some truth to that. I loved Camille. I loved the way she laughed, the way she thought, the way she made everyone follow her every decision. I loved her, and I loved her as me. But she wasn’t in love with me. She was in love with everything _but_ me. Everything else revolving me, revolving us. The money, the fame, the respect. The comfort.” Magnus swallowed, his voice hoarse. “She loved the way I made her feel - like she was the center of my universe. Which she was. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her.” 

Alec didn’t know what to say. He remained silent.

Magnus took a deep breath. “We worked on some research together which ended up being quite groundbreaking and for that I am proud. I don’t regret being in a romantic relationship with her, because every pain teaches a lesson, but I do pray to god I never find myself in a similar situation again. I don’t know what I’d do if I did.”

Alec swallowed. He couldn’t relate to the situation – he didn’t have many exes himself, and the relationships he had been in had been shallow and short lived. He had never cared enough about any of them to feel like they held any real power over him. The power of hurting him to the core. And he had never held that power over any of them, either. At least, that he knew of.

But Alec could relate to the specific, visceral pain of feeling like you are never good enough. That no matter what you do – you will never be what they want you to be. 

“And you and Camille,” said Alec, tentatively, “are you… I mean, do you have any contact now? Are you friends?” 

“We keep in touch occasionally, mostly through work. She works as a plastic surgeon at another hospital here in New York and sometimes we need each other’s expertise on something, so we’ll help each other out. She likes asking if I want to discuss over drinks, but I keep refusing her. I think I owe myself better than that.” 

Nodding, Alec watched Magnus as he spoke. The kohl around his eyes had smudged a bit, probably a consequence of hours spent in surgery. His hair was slightly matted, not as spikey as it usually was. Probably also a result of overwork. Yet, there was this stubborn set to his shoulders, like he refused to let things like exhaustion, heartbreak, or loss of love weigh him down. 

He was imperfect in an utterly fascinating way. 

“I think so, too,” whispered Alec. 

And Alec was suddenly filled with this a raw, intoxicating desire to strip ever one of Magnus’ layers off. And not necessarily in a sexual way, but in an intimate way. He wanted to see who Magnus was beneath all these superficial things. Beneath his titles, work, make up and flirty humor. 

He wanted to know what was beneath all of that. 

_What do you do when you’re all by yourself? What do you daydream about when you ride the bus? What are your most embarrassing childhood memories? What are your regrets from the past and fears for the future? What is your proudest accomplishment? What is your most personal dream?_

_Who are you really - what is your truth?_

_Tell me everything._

The emotion, the desire, was so strong all Alec could do was stare at Magnus in contained silence.

Hoping his eyes yelled the words which his mouth could not speak. 

Beneath Alec’s silent scrutiny, a quiet chuckle left Magnus’ lips. He started picking at his air cuff in a rapid motion. If Alec didn’t know better, he’d say he was nervous. “Anyway, sorry for dropping all that on you. That wasn’t fair of me. I’m just very sleep deprived, I think. All this work is making my brain to mouth filter disappear. I shouldn’t have –“

“No, it’s fine,” said Alec, quickly. “Magnus, I don’t mind. You can tell me whatever you want. Whenever you want.”

Magnus smiled, softly. He dropped both his hands to lie on his knees. 

“Or, well, maybe not whenever,” Alec corrected himself, with a frown. “If I’m busy with like a patient, maybe you can wait a little… But every other time, it’s really –“

“Alexander.” Magnus put a hand on Alec’s knee and Alec stopped speaking. Stopped breathing. Their eyes met. Magnus’ brown eyes were infinitely gentle, a wet sheen covering them. Alec wanted to drown in them; lose himself completely. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you,” replied Alec, automatically, barely a whisper. 

Still smiling, Magnus removed his hand and Alec immediately missed the touch. “I was so happy to see you earlier, you have no idea. I didn’t think I’d be seeing your pretty face until tomorrow night.”

The feeling of existing in a distant daydream disappeared and Alec’s stomach tightened. “What? Tomorrow night? Why, what - what happens tomorrow night?” 

“Catarina’s birthday party.” Realization dawned on Magnus’ features. “Oh, don’t tell me you had forgotten. I was counting on you coming.”

“Oh, right. Shit.” Alec put his face in his hands. “I had completely forgotten about that.” 

“But now since I’ve reminded you, you’ll come, right? Unless you’ve made other plans?” 

Well, truthfully, Alec had made other plans: reading a book he’d bought last week about uncommon neurology diseases in your middle ages while eating roasted almonds. But he couldn’t tell Magnus that - he’d sound like the most boring person ever. Which he wasn’t, honestly. Surely, there was someone worse than him. 

So Alec considered Magnus’ proposition. He didn’t like parties; too many people, too much noise, too much pretending to have fun when you really just wanted to go home. And he especially didn’t like parties with people he didn’t know, such as from work. Some might say it would be an “opportunity to get to know them better” but Alec rather regarded it as an “opportunity for things to get awkward and ruin whatever resemblance of friendship they had formed at work”.

But, at the same time, when Magnus was looking at him like that; with big hopeful eyes and a smile ready to break lose, Alec really didn’t have a choice in the matter. And he undeniably did want to get to know Magnus better. He’d risk anything for an opportunity to do just that. 

“No, I haven’t made any plans. Of course I’ll come.”

“Wonderful.” Crinkles formed by the corner of Magnus’ eyes as he smiled. “I can’t wait to see you there. 8 pm at Hunter’s Moon. Don’t forget or I’ll be very disappointed.”

“Don’t worry, I definitely won’t. But, um. May I bring a plus one? That’s okay, right?” 

“I don’t think that will be a problem.”

“Great.”

After Alec had excused himself, claiming he had work to do, which was true, he walked briskly back to his own workplace. As he did, he grabbed his phone from his pocket and wrote a text. 

 

From: Alec  
To: Izzy 

_Need your help! Text me back as soon as you can. And don’t make any plans for tomorrow night._

 

Not one minute later, he got a reply. 

 

From: Izzy  
To: Alec

_Bold of you to assume I don’t already have plans. But for my favorite big brother, I’ll rearrange anything <3 _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Please let me know what you thought ♡
> 
> Take care angels ♡


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A magical evening at Hunter's Moon...

“So,” said Alec, putting his empty cup of coffee down on his wooden kitchen table, “what do I say?”

Having just finished his seventh cup of coffee that day, Alec could feel the abundance of caffeine soaring through his veins, making him impatient, fidgety. He paced about in circles in his tiny kitchen, unable to stand still. Usually, Alec could be described as a mellow sort of person: not bouncing or energetic, but right now he felt like he could fuel an entire city with his restless energy. He had even finished his dishes in a record time. 

“Oh my god, we’ve been over this a million times,” said Isabelle, who was sitting on a chair wearing a tight black dress and high heels, sipping on a cup of green tea. She’d come over after Alec had finished work, just as she had promised. As a thank you, Alec had made her dinner and a cup of tea with honey and soymilk, just the way she liked it. “Just say hi.”

Alec arched an eyebrow. “Just hi?” 

“Maybe your name too would be appreciated.” 

“Good point. But Magnus’ so… _collected_ , like he has his shit together and, you know, I don’t want to text him and come across as too forward.” 

Really, sending a first text to someone shouldn’t be this difficult. But Alec had Magnus’ number, and Magnus didn’t have his number, so Alec had to text him first in order for him to get his number. Which Alec wanted him to have. Simple in theory. Hard in execution. 

“Alec, you sweet idiot, you couldn’t come across as too forward if you tried.” 

Alec stopped in his tracks. “Is that a challenge?” 

“Sure. I challenge you to be too forward with Magnus.”

“Fine.”

Rapidly, Alec typed a text a text and showed it to Isabelle. 

Isabelle cleared her throat and read out loud. “’Hello, this is Alec. Just wanted to say hi’.” She rolled her eyes. “Alec, this isn’t ‘too forward’. This is just common decency.”

“Excuse me? ‘Just wanting to say hi’, Izzy? Since when do I ever just _want_ to say hi to someone? I go out of my way to avoid having to greet people. I’m the perfect neighbor.” 

“That is true,” admitted Isabelle. “Coming from you, this is basically the most epic love confession of the twenty-first century. Romance writers could learn a thing or two from you.”

“Yeah, this is going to be hard to top,” mumbled Alec, staring at his phone. “I’m going to send it.”

“You’ve always been one for adventure.” Isabelle took another sip of her green tea. 

After sending the text, Alec went to grab a glass of water. Mere seconds later, he felt his phone buzz. He opened it immediately and felt a warmth enter his stomach. He hadn’t seen Magnus today at work, and felt starving for even the slightest bit of interaction. 

“Was that Magnus?” Isabelle asked. When Alec didn’t answer, she continued, “Stop smiling down at your phone and tell me what he answered.”

Still smiling, Alec put the phone back in his pocket. “He said he’s happy to hear from me and looking forward to seeing me tonight.” 

“Aw,” cooed Isabelle. “You guys are so cute.” 

“We’re not cute.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, we’re not.” Maybe Magnus was cute, but Alec wasn’t. “Besides, we’re not a ‘we’. We’re just Alec and Magnus, two people existing in the same world at the same time. That doesn’t make us an entity.”

“Well, become a ‘we’ then. Come on, big brother. Make a move. Win him over. Oh, I know - write something really daring. Something flirty, something sexy. I dare you.”

Alec frowned. “No.”

“I double dare you.” 

“There’s no such thing.”

“I triple dare you.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “Well, if you _triple_ dare me…”

“Yes!” Isabelle fist bumped the air. 

“I was being sarcastic.” 

“You know, you have the same expression whether you’re being sarcastic or sincere so it’s hard to tell difference sometimes.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Alec, dismissively. He started typing on his phone. “Now be quiet, please, I need to focus.”

Isabelle finished her tea and put the mug in the dishwasher. “So, what did you write?”

“I said I‘m looking forward to seeing him as well.” Shortly after, Alec felt his phone buzz again. He let out a chuckle. 

“What now?” asked Isabelle. 

“He sent a funny picture. It’s a cat in scrubs.” 

“Hilarious.” Isabelle sighed. “But seriously, why did you even ask for my help if not for smooching Magnus? I’m great at flirting with guys. I have loads to teach you if you would only let me.”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need help with flirting,” Alec muttered. “And especially not with Magnus. Our relationship isn’t like that. Flirting would be inappropriate.” Sure, Alec very much wanted a boyfriend and obviously Magnus was essentially perfect, but just the mere thought of it; the two of them in a _romantic relationship_ , made Alec hot to the collar. It’d be too good to be true. And if there was one thing Alec had learned in the course of his life was that good things hardly ever happened; not to him at least, and things ‘too good to be true’ were just that. 

Really, Alec would count himself lucky to just have Magnus as a friend. Besides, he’s sure that Magnus had tons of better things to do than to hang out with Alec. He must have thousands of people lining up to be with him. Alec really didn’t stand a chance. 

“What I need is your moral support tonight at Hunter’s Moon in case things get stiff and awkward. Also, I don’t know what to wear.”

Isabelle’s eyes grew. “We’re doing a makeover?”

“How many times have you asked that and how many times have I said yes?” 

“I will never give up hope. _Never_.” 

They ended up dressing Alec in a tight, green button up shirt and dark jeans, Isabelle claiming it made him look like sexy male version of herself without makeup. Which Alec took as a compliment. They left the apartment and headed for the subway as the clock approached nine, right after Isabelle had finished her elaborate make up routine. 

Alec found the way there easily as he had been to Hunter’s Moon one time before when he’d gotten dragged along by Jace. It was some months before finishing medical school and Jace had insisted they’d go out to “have a good time”. 

Alec had agreed reluctantly and the night had ended with Jace getting slapped by a woman in a leopard patterned dress he had apparently slept with but forgotten about; Alec apologizing over and over again to the bartender for his brother being an asshole and then Alec tucking Jace in to bed after they had arrived home. All while having to listen to Jace cry about “how he’d never find a girlfriend” even though he had only broken up with his previous girlfriend about one month earlier. 

Needless to say, it had been torture and Alec had sworn to never to “have a good time” ever again. 

Yet, here he was. That had been a Tuesday, now it was Friday evening and the whole bar was crowded: loud, warm, packed with people and colorful balloons everywhere. Which, _fine_ – Alec liked the balloons, but the rest he actively disliked. 

There were so many faces, Alec had a hard time distinguishing a single one. He was glad he had Isabelle’s familiar presence beside him. 

“For your information, big brother,” said Isabelle, “I will be your wingman tonight whether you want me to be or not.”

“Just don’t do anything too embarrassing,” sighed Alec. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll be subtle.” 

Alec found that hard to believe, but didn’t have time to dwell on it as he heard a familiar shout. 

“Alec!” Simon came running. He stopped in front of them, panting heavily even though he’d only run a very short distance. “My favorite doctor except for Doctor Who. You’re here! How are you, man?” 

“Fine, thanks,” said Alec. “Iz, this is Simon, my colleague. Simon, meet Isabelle, my sister.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” said Isabelle, shaking Simon’s hand, who looked a bit starstruck. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

Simon beamed, his breathing shaky. “From Alec? All good things, I hope?” 

Isabelle laughed. “I better not answer that.” 

“Twenty percent good things?” Simon frowned. “Fifteen? Ten? _Five_?” 

“I’d say maybe forty percent good.”

“Forty?” Simon fist bumped Alec’s shoulder, grinning. “Dude, I’m flattered. I mean, I say probably 99 percent good things about you, but a 59 percent difference isn’t too bad.”

“Could be worse,” Alec agreed, with a shrug. 

“So, Simon, how’s it going here?” Isabelle harbored her signature smirk. “Having a good time?” 

“Yeah, we’re having a great time. You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen a group of drunk RN’s bitching about doctors - to doctors. The drama.” 

“Oh, really?” chuckled Isabelle. “Tell me more.”

“A nurse told a doctor they could figure out a patient’s diagnose faster than they could and the doctor got really offended. He said: well figure out _this_ and threw a drink at her.”

Isabelle raised both her eyebrows. “Oh, wow.” 

“Did that actually happen, though?” Alec crossed his arms. “I mean, _really_?” 

“If you squint your eyes a little and have had four shots of vodka, it is kind of what happened.” Simon shrugged. “I mean, the hostility between doctors and nurses can be pretty bad. Some nurses really hate doctors. Not me, though. I love doctors. At least some. And by some doctors, I mean Alec.” Simon grabbed Alec’s shirt and pulled him in close, his expression intense. “I love you.”

Alec swatted away his hand. “What even.”

Simon let go and leaned in to whisper in Alec’s ear. “Don’t worry, I don’t. I’m just trying to make Magnus jealous.” 

“What?” Squeaked Alec. “I – what – I can’t even, what-“

Simon gasped and put his hand against his heart dramatically. “Are my feelings not returned? Because I will fight for you until my last breath.” 

“Please don’t.” 

“Playing hard to get? … I see.” 

“I can tell Alec has two wingmen tonight,” said Isabelle, with a grin. “If this doesn’t move you up to at least 50 percent good things; I don’t know what will.”

“I think I’ll lower it to 35 percent, actually,” said Alec. “And really, I don’t need either of you as my wingman. I’m good, thanks.” 

“Hey!” squealed Simon. “Is that how you chose to repay me?”

“I don’t recall owing you anything,” Alec scoffed.

“Hello, Alec!” A voice came from behind him. He turned around and saw a familiar kind face with an open smile, coming towards him. 

“Oh, hi, doctor Loss,” said Alec. “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you!” She stopped by the counter, a cider in her hands. “Although, I’ve told you to call me Catarina.”

“I’m sorry. Happy birthday, Catarina.”

She smiled patiently. “Thank you. You know, I haven’t seen you in a while. How are you? Are you settling in alright at your new job?” 

“Yes, very well. Thank you. And, uh, how was your vacation to Canada?” 

“It was great, thanks for asking. And I hear you’ve met Magnus in my absence.”

“Oh.” Alec felt caught in the spotlight even though he didn’t know why. It’s not like he’d done anything wrong. “Yes, that’s right. We have, um... met.”

Grinning, Catrina turned around and yelled, “Magnus! Get over here.”

Leaving a group of people Alec didn’t know came Magnus, and Alec’s internal heat increased and a small gasp left his lips. 

Magnus wore black pants fitted firmly against his legs and a tight, sparkly, light grey sweater showing off the better part of his chest and his full arms. His makeup look extra sharp as well, sharp lines mixed with smoky shadows around his eyes. 

Alec felt his heartbeat turn irregular. It shouldn’t be legal to look that good. 

It was probably a good thing he was in a bar filled with doctors and nurses all trained in performing CPR. He might need it by the end of the night. 

“Look who’s here,” said Catarina, gesturing at Alec.

“Alexander.” Magnus stopped next to Catarina. Even amongst the sea of people, Alec could tell he smelled a bit differently than he usually did; he was clearly wearing another cologne now than the one he wore at work. It smelled… different, but Alec couldn’t really tell how exactly. He wondered how weird it’d be to lean in close and take a good sniff. Really weird, probably. Ultimately, Alec decided to show restraints and not do that. 

"H-hey," he stuttered instead with shaky smile. 

Magnus gave Alec a long look, something playful in his eyes. “So glad you made it.”

“I told you I would." 

“I’m still happy about it. I was a little worried when you didn’t show up at 8 pm sharp. It just doesn’t seem like you to be late. Ever.”

“That’s true – I hate being late,” admitted Alec. “Whenever I ran late for class at college, I’d just end up not going at all rather than being late. But Izzy insisted that being early was for losers, so.”

“Actually,” corrected Isabelle, “I only said that because I hadn’t finished my makeup yet and needed an excuse to prolong our exit.”

Magnus laughed. “I feel that on a personal level.”

The conversation steered into the music the DJ was playing and Isabelle leaned in to whisper in Alec’s ear. 

“Hot tip, big brother: give Magnus a compliment. He’ll like that.”

“Shut up,” hissed Alec, as discretely as he could. 

“Just do it!” 

“Um, so,“ said Alec, locking eyes with Magnus. He tried to think of a compliment, a smooth one preferably, but his brain shut down completely. As it had a tendency to do whenever Alec needed it the most. “You look, I mean, how do you, how - how was work today?” 

Alec could practically sense Isabelle’s aura of disapproval. 

“Oh. Good, thanks for asking!” Magnus seemed happy at least. “Just finished work a couple of hours ago. There are still lot of people at home sick so I had to work overtime... again.” 

Isabelle elbowed Alec in the ribs. 

Alec blinked. _Say something smooth_. “You have good work ethics.” _Damn it._

Magnus laughed. “Not really, but thank you anyway.”

Promptly, Isabelle dragged Alec to the side of the bar, claiming they were ordering something to drink. 

“No, Alec!” she hissed, as they stopped outside of earshot. “You don’t compliment someone’s work ethics. It needs to be more romantic. Intimate. Something you have noticed because you notice _him_. And it can’t revolve around work. You understand?” 

“When did I ask for your help with flirting?” groaned Alec. It’s not like Alec didn’t know what to do – he just couldn’t physically _do it_. “Literally, when did I ask?”

“Never, but you clearly need it. I’ll order our drinks while you give flirting another shot.” She gave him a push. “Go!” 

On his way back, Alec tried to notice Magnus, as Isabelle put it. He was so overall stunning, like a painting, it was hard to focus on one thing. Maybe on his expressive eyes, that looked like they had seen the whole world and could tell endless stories of their discoveries. Or his wistful grin, smiling he knew something everyone else didn’t. 

Or his biceps, which looked like they worked out at the gym daily. 

But, in the end, Alec’s brain short circuited. As it did. 

“So…” said Alec, leaning against the counter. “Come here often?” 

Alec hated himself. 

Magnus laughed. “Sometimes. It’s close to the hospital so we like coming here after work. It has a nice atmosphere, I think. How about you – been here before?” 

“Once. With Jace. Swore I’d never come again.”

Magnus grinned. “That bad, huh?” 

“Not the bar’s fault. It was Jace’s fault. Long story short, he hit on some girls, got rejected, drowned his sorrow in alcohol and I ended up having to clean up the mess.”

“That was before he met Clary, I take it?” 

“Yeah, he met her shortly after. Thank god.”

“They make such a cute couple.”

“I guess. I’m just happy Clary has the patience to put up with Jace.” 

“Clary Fairchild?” asked Catarina, joining the conversation. “I do adore her, one of the best nurses around, I think. I was so excited when she and Jace started dating. I invited her as well but unfortunately the two of them had made other plans.”

That’s when Simon joined the conversation too, reminding everyone that he was Clary’s best friend. 

Time flew by surprisingly fast after that, Alec nodding and smiling as conversation continued around him, adding some commentary here and there not to appear too socially inept. 

After some hours of drinking and small talk, Alec, Isabelle and Magnus ended up sitting in a booth. Due to the drinks Isabelle kept insisting Alec should drink, his head was spinning and his whole being felt light. Like he was there but he wasn’t really _there_. Isabelle was texting on her phone, while Magnus and Alec discussed their theories for the next season of Game of thrones. 

Alec spotted Maia who had just entered the bar. She and Simon stood conversing over at the bar. She was wearing a sparkling golden dress, and Simon looked absolutely smitten. Alec chuckled to himself. He didn’t know why but the alcohol made him find things funny that actually weren’t funny. 

Magnus followed Alec’s line of vision. “She looks beautiful in that dress, don’t you think?” 

“Huh? Oh. Yes. But, um, I’m…” Alec furrowed his eyebrows, and leaned forward on the greasy table now filled with various empty drinks and bottles, “ _gay_. In case you - in case you didn’t know.”

Magnus only smirked. “I did kind of get that vibe from you, sweetheart. And I’m bi. ” He put a hand against Alec’s arm and winked. “In case _you_ didn’t know.”

Even in his drunken state, Alec could still curse his blood circulation for supplying too much blood to his cheeks, heating them up in an already overheated bar. “Well, I did kind of get that vibe from you.”

Magnus gasped, turned around in the booth and yelled, “Did you hear that, Catarina? Alec says I have a bi vibe. My life’s mission is accomplished!” He faced Alec again, grinning. “And what exactly is a bi vibe? How can you tell?” 

This caught Isabelle’s attention, who leaned in close. “Yes, do tell, big brother. What is a bi vibe?” 

_Oh, fuck_. Alec was way too drunk for deep philosophical questions such as this. “Well, it’s, uh. You know, it’s when you - it’s when you, um -” He looked at Magnus, in search on the elusive definition of a bi vibe. “It’s when you see the beauty of people regardless of what’s between their legs.”

“Aw,” said Isabelle. She raised her pink drink. “Cheers to that. To my brother slash doctor slash poet slash sex educator. Cheers!”

Magnus raised his mojito as well. “To Alexander.” 

Alec swallowed the rest of his beer in one sweep. It tasted awful. Alec had never cared for beer; but he’d panicked when Magnus had asked what he wanted to drink. After some drinks already making his head fuzzy, and having Magnus’ focus on his like that, beer was the first thing that came to mind. And now he’d rather suffer in silence than admit his misstep. Truthfully, he’d rather have Isabelle’s pink drink, which he didn’t even know what it was. But it looked sweet enough and it even had a cute rainbow umbrella in it. 

“We need a refill,” stated Isabelle.

“This,” said Alec quickly, while he was still capable of making good decisions, pointing at Isabelle’s drink. “I want this.” 

“Good choice. Why did you even drink a beer?” Isabelle made a face. “You hate beer.” 

“Um, no?” Alec tried to use sibling telepathy and cast Isabelle a subtle glance meaning _shut up_. “I don’t hate beer.” 

It didn’t work. “Uh, yeah? You do.”

“No, Iz. We’ve discussed this. I hate war, I hate injustice, I hate pineapple on pizza. But I don’t _hate_ beer. It’s a perfectly fine concept. You must be confusing me with someone else.” 

“It’s a what? And how would I ever confuse you with someone else? Why in god’s name must you be so pretentious? Let me rephrase: you don’t like the taste of beer so why are you drinking it?”

Alec didn’t like lying but he also didn’t want to tell the truth. He settled on something in between. “Its taste is not the one I crave the most in this world, no.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes dramatically. “My god.” 

Magnus kicked Alec’s foot gently under the table. He leaned forward with a glint in his eyes. “And what taste do you crave the most in this world, then?” 

Alec stared at Magnus’ lips and imagined the bitterness from the mint leaves, the sweetness from the sugar, the chill from the ice. He cleared his throat. Again, his brain short circuited and he said the first thing he could think of. “Roasted almonds.” 

“You still eat those? Oh my god.” Isabelle addressed Magnus who looked slightly confused – yet amused. “Look, Clary tried out being vegan a while ago and started snacking on almonds all the time to get a prober amount of vitamins and it ended up with Alec eating them all the time.”

“That’s not true,” squeaked Alec, scowling. Isabelle gave him a look. “I mean, _sure_ , it is true per definition but you’re telling the story wrong.”

“And how would you tell this epic tale?” 

“Well, you left out Jace’s part.”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Jace got tired of Clary snacking on almonds and gave them to Alec. Eventually, Clary stopped being a vegan and Alec is now obsessed with almonds. Better?”

Alec tried giving a nonchalant shrug. “It’s better than being addicted to nicotine. Or, I don’t know, _murder_.” 

“Well, that’s undeniably true,” said Magnus, standing up. “Anyway, more drinks?” 

“I’ll take whatever as long as it has more sugar than alcohol,” said Alec.

Magnus chuckled. “I’ll think of something.” 

Isabelle returned her focus to her phone and Alec did the same, although he hadn’t gotten any new messages, or anything else exciting, so he scrolled through all his social media apps while waiting for Magnus to return. 

When there was no more content to consume, Alec put down his phone and searched for Magnus with his eyes. He’d been gone for some minutes now – far too long if you asked Alec. 

Alec ended up spotting him over by the bar, talking to an older woman in a suit, appearing to be having some sort of serious conversation. Neither was smiling and there was something formal in the way they carried themselves. Alec recognized the woman, but couldn’t pinpoint from where. 

When Magnus finally returned, Alec asked with a frown, “What took you so long?” 

“Sorry.” Magnus put down the drinks. Alec’s drink was turquoise blue and appeared to contain sparkling water. Alec approved. Nothing that artificial looking could taste bad. “I was talking to Imogen.” 

“Imogen?” The name did ring a bell.

“Herondale. The owner of the hospital.”

Alec gasped. “Imogen Herondale? Wow. And what did you say to her?” 

Magnus cleared his throat. “Nothing in particular. She just likes reminding me of job opportunities and I keep telling her that I’m not interested.”

“Oh.. That’s – I mean, that’s really incredible. Why aren’t you interested?” 

“Let’s just say I have certain demands that need to be met, and she’s not meeting them at the moment,” he replied. He waved his hand dismissively. “Anyway, let’s not talk about work. Isabelle, dearest, tell me the most embarrassing story from Alec’s childhood.”

Isabelle immediately put down her phone. “But there are so many.” 

“Iz!” Again, Alec tried his telepathic sibling _shut up_ – look. 

“We could be here all night,” said Magnus.

Isabelle winked at Alec. “You know what? One time, when Alec was six, he chivalrously helped an old lady cross the street and was celebrated all over our neighborhood. Cute, little Alec was called the neighborhoods hero for half a year.”

“Hey!” protested Alec, with a frown. “That didn’t happen to me. That happened to Jace.” 

“Jesus, Alec, why don’t you let me wingman you?” Isabelle asked in a high pitched voice. “But fine, you want a _true_ story? I’ll give you a true story. When he was five he used mom’s wine red lipstick and when he was confronted about it he claimed he had fallen down on a cupcake and that’s why his lips were red.”

Magnus burst out laughing. 

“That –“ Alec traced the rim of his glass with his fingers, his cheeks burning, not able to meet Magnus’ eye, “that did happen actually.” He sighed and looked at Isabelle. “You told the truth Iz and I’m proud of you. Lying is bad.” 

Isabelle just shook her head in fond exasperation. 

“You two are so precious,” said Magnus, with a wide smile. His eyes shone with delight. 

“Do you have any siblings, Magnus?” asked Isabelle. 

“Unfortunately, no,” replied Magnus. “I have a very small biological family. Although, I have many friends I consider as close as family. Catarina, for example.” 

Isabelle smiled softly. “That’s lovely.”

Their conversation regarding family members continued until Isabelle got called over by Maia and Simon. 

“Oh, no,” muttered Alec. “Those three interacting together cannot lead to anything good.”

“You know, it’s pretty hot in here,” said Magnus. It was also really loud – Alec sometimes had a hard time hearing what Magnus said. Which he didn’t like at all. “Want to get some air?” 

“Yes, please.” Alec left his seat. 

They left through a door in the back into an alley where they walked some until they found an empty bench. It was cold outside, the chilly New York air creating goosebumps on Alec’s arms. 

They sat down on the bench, watching as people passed them by on the busy New York street. Old people, young people, women in short dresses, men in Hawaii shirts, couples in love, friends laughing. People interacting with their phones. All sorts of people. 

Alec really loved observing New York from a distance. Sometimes, he wished he had a camera so he could take a photograph of all he saw on a daily basis. His iPhone camera didn't count. 

“Nice to get out some,” said Alec. “Get away from all those people. Not that there is anything wrong with them. They’re just – people.”

“Agreed,” said Magnus. “People they are. So, are you having fun?” 

“Yes. Didn’t think I would, but I do.”

“Better than the time with Jace then?” 

“Yeah, much better.” Alec glanced at Magnus. The alcohol stirred in his veins, making him honest. Too honest, maybe. “You weren’t here then.” 

Magnus beamed brightly. “Or maybe I was, but you just didn’t know me then.” 

“Doubt it. Think I would have remembered if I’d seen you,” Alec said, and then realized what he had just said out loud and cleared his throat. “But, um. Anyway. So parties aren’t really my thing but I’m glad I came.”

“What is your thing then?” 

“I don’t know really,” answered Alec, truthfully. “I like my family. I like reading. I’d get a dog, that could be my thing, but I don’t have the time to take care of it so it wouldn’t be fair to the dog.”

“You could get a cat,” suggested Magnus. 

“I don’t know,” mused Alec. “I just thought that, I mean, I always assumed I’d have my life all figured out by now. That I’d be doing all these cool things in my spare time and be in a serious relationship. Not, you know, single and constantly obsessing over things and just… work all the time. But that is essentially my life.”

“Spoken like every person just having graduated from university, ever.”

Alec chuckled. “I guess.”

“Are you happy, though?” 

“Most of the time. Call me boring, but I like working.” 

“Well, life doesn’t always end up the way we pictured it, but as long as you are happy now, that is all that matters. I think we change constantly and you don’t owe anything to who you thought you would be ten years ago. The you ten years ago was a version of you with less experiences and knowledge than the version of yourself that you are right now. Honestly, they were most likely an idiot. And you don’t owe that idiot anything. I mean, the me ten years ago just started dating Camille.” Magnus shuddered visibly. “I’d rather be single that go through that again.” 

“It was that bad, huh?” 

“Yeah. It was really bad. But, I always try to see things positively. Like, at least I learned what I want and what I don’t want in a relationship.”

“Okay…” Alec couldn’t help himself; he needed to know. “What do you want in a relationship then?” 

“Trust”, said Magnus after some consideration. “Mutual trust.” 

“Fair enough. And what don’t you want?”

Magnus was silent for some moments before responding. “Spiders,” he said and laughed a little. 

“Spiders?” Alec repeated. 

“Hate the creepy little buggers. Need someone to remove them for me.”

Alec shrugged. He actually quite disliked spiders too, but… he didn’t have to tell Magnus that. At least he wasn’t afraid of them. “I don’t hate spiders.”

“That’s good to know. I mean, how I don’t understand. They have eight legs, Alexander. You do realize that, don’t you? _Eight_ legs. It’s like they’re creepy aliens shrunk into miniature form.”

“Well, all bugs kind of look like aliens if you zoom in on them close enough.” 

“True.” Magnus glanced at Alec. “What are you afraid of then? If not spiders - ghosts? Heights? Snakes?”

Alec laughed. “No. Not any of those.” 

Magnus raised his eyebrows and made a face. “Blood?” 

“Well, that would be impractical.”

“Then what are you afraid of? There’s got to be something.”

“I mean, nothing really comes to mind. Like, I can’t really think of a specific thing. I’m more, uh, you know- “ Alec sighed in frustration and gestured with his hands as he often did when he couldn’t find the words he was looking for. 

Magnus, however, didn’t seem discouraged. “You’re not scared of a specific thing. Then what? A feeling, an experience? A memory?”

“Something like that.” Alec tried to think deeply. Search deeply. Find his fear. He settled on one eventually. “Like a fear of a potential outcome.”

“I’m not quite sure I follow you.”

“I mean, take Jace for example. Well, people like Jace, they like to talk about their fear of restriction, their loss of freedom. That they can’t do certain things because they’re bound by responsibility – be it to a family, a job, friends or whatever. You know, that they can’t do whatever they want because of that. My fear is the complete opposite of that. I think my biggest fear is waking up and realizing that I’m abundant. Unnecessary. That I can actually go about and do whatever the hell I want to and no one will care - because I’m not needed anywhere. I’m not needed by anyone.”

Alec cast a glance at Magnus who said nothing, looking forward with an intense stare, in his silence urging Alec to continue. 

Swallowing, Alec put a hand against his own heart. “Me, I want to be bound. Bound to my family, my job, my, uh,” Alec chuckled slightly, “my nonexistent boyfriend. Point is, I want to be needed. I think that’s what gives my life meaning. I don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t needed by anyone.”

Alec took a deep breath. At the corner of his eye, he saw two women holding hands, waiting for the light to turn green so they could pass the street. 

“I think I would like to have one special person in my life who needed me because they chose to need me. I think I want that more than anything.” The light was starting to dim down. Alec lowered his voice. “I just don’t see that happening anytime soon. And that scares me too.”

“Hm,” said Magnus, barely audible. 

“Like if I was a student at Hogwarts, and my defense against the dark arts professor forced me to face a boggart, I guess it would show all my friends and family walking away from me. And there would just be me. Alone.” Alec chuckled self-consciously. “Well, I mean, if a boggart can even display intricate fears like that. Should ask J.K. Rowling about that. But, yeah, I don’t know. Don’t listen to me, I’m just being stupid. I’ve spent too much time around Simon – using fantasy references to explain stuff.”

“No,” said Magnus, this time louder. 

Alec frowned. “No?” 

“No,” repeated Magnus. “It’s not stupid. Not at all. The fear of being alone, of not being needed, of not being loved. I get that. But I think when you love someone, truly love someone, you love them unconditionally. You don’t necessarily need to speak every day and you don’t expect anything from them. You just love them.” He looked at Alec with gentle eyes. “And your family loves you so much. Like you love them. They’d never leave you.”

Alec smiled. “Yeah, I know.”

“And you not finding someone who appreciates you and loves you wholeheartedly just for being you…” Magnus paused. His eyes searched Alec’s face. “Now I find that very hard to believe.”

Alec could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest. “Thank you, Magnus,” he said, breathlessly.

Their eyes locked; Magnus’ reflected the glow from the streetlamps, creating tiny stars in them. They were vide open and trusting. He looked at Alec as if he was seeing something valuable, something precious. Alec soaked in the attention. 

Due to their proximity, Alec could even smell him now; a mixture of something spicy, warm, masculine. Something intoxicating. Alec’s eyes moved downward and settled on Magnus’ lips. Staring at Magnus’ lips, Alec couldn’t help but to wonder what they would taste like. What they would feel like. 

They were close but Magnus was still too far away. 

Alec wanted to move in even closer until they were right next to each other; skin against skin; sharing warmth, sharing the same breath. Sharing whatever Magnus was willing to share. Alec wanted everything. 

As if reading Alec’s mind, Magnus leaned forward a little. And Alec stopped breathing, stopped thinking, stopped functioning altogether- 

That’s when a shout broke them out of their reverie.

“There you are!”

Alec’s whole body stiffened. He knew that voice. He knew that voice far too well. He’d have nightmares about that voice. 

It was none other than Simon Lewis. Alec took a deep breath and counted to ten. 

“Hey, guys,” said Simon, beaming, as he leant against the bench. “Looking cozy over here. Hope I’m not interrupting anything. Catarina send me out here to tell you that we’re gonna start karaoke soon and she wanted to do a duet with you Magnus.” 

“Thank you, Samuel,” said Magnus in a tight voice. “You can tell her that we’ll be right there.”

“Alrighty,” replied Simon and hurried back inside. 

“Right. Guess we should head back inside then,” said Magnus as he remained unmoving. 

“Right,” said Alec. 

Nobody moved. 

Alec took a deep breath and felt the need to ease the tension. Turn things lighter. “About earlier, don’t mind me. I’m pretty drunk. Honestly. Like, I don’t know. I don’t have many rational fears. I’m like: oh, a walk home alone through New York city in the middle of the night, amongst potential murderers and thieves? That’s fine. Treating a patient with an unknown infectious disease knowing I could get infected and die? Perfectly fine, also. _But_ … holding a speech in front of my friendly fellow colleagues, where the worst that could happen is me literally stuttering a word? Now that’s real terror. Proper horror movie material right there. Like, excuse me while I panic for five days in advance.”

“Oh,” Magnus said, evidently stunned. “That’s, uh-“ Alec never heard the end of that sentence as it was followed by laughter instead. 

“What?” Alec asked, grinning.

Finally, Magnus cleared his throat and tried to refrain from smiling. “I mean, Alexander, there is nothing weird about that. Honestly, who enjoys talking in front of people? Everyone hates that.” He paused. “Well, except me then, I suppose. I like talking in front of people. But I’m an exception to the rule. A rarity. Not that –“ he looked at Alec, “not that you aren’t. A rarity, that is. You definitely are. Truly, your honesty is very refreshing.” 

Alec smiled. It was oddly endearing watching Magnus trip on his words. One day, Alec hoped he would rend Magnus completely speechless. “I try.”

“But really, we should probably get back inside,” Magnus repeated, this time actually making an effort to move. 

“Oh, and Magnus,” said Alec as he stood up. “Something I have noticed and wanted to tell you.” 

“What is it?” 

“I just wanted you to know that I really admire the way you use every bad experience in your life and try to make something positive out of it. It’s easy to get stuck on the negative side of things – I know I struggle with that a lot. But you don’t and I think that’s incredible.”

Magnus exhaled slowly Finally, he spoke, his voice warm, “Thank you, Alexander. That means a lot to me.” 

Alec nodded, pleased. 

When they got inside, they were met with warm, humid air, a crowd of sweaty people and a drunk Isabelle. 

“Magnus!” she yelled. She grabbed his arm and held on tightly. “What are you doing this Sunday?” 

“Nothing,” said Magnus. “Why?” 

“I am officially inviting you to an official Lightwood–Fairchild family dinner. What do you say?” 

“Um,” Magnus laughed. “And what, exactly, does this dinner entail?” 

“Food. Also, Alec will be there,” added Isabelle, raising her eyebrows suggestively. 

Alec rolled his eyes. 

“I figured as much,” Magnus chuckled. He glanced at Alec. “And is this … okay – with you?” 

Alec frowned. He couldn’t think of a single thing more okay than for Magus to come. “Why wouldn’t it be?” 

“In case you wanted to keep your professional and personal life separate?” 

“Oh, right! Shit. I do want that. Um. “ But he couldn’t say no when Magnus was so... _Magnus_. “But I’ll make an exception for you. Just don’t tell Simon.”

“Cross my heart.” 

“So, you’ll be there? Yay!” Isabelle clapped her hands. “Five pm, Alec will text you the address.” 

It was starting to get quite late and Isabelle wanted to go home, claiming she was exhasuted. And seeing as Isabelle was anything but sober and Alec didn’t want her to go home by herself, they both excused themselves and went home together. They ended up missing the karaoke, which Alec was okay with - except for the fact that he missed Magnus’ and Catarina’s duet. Apparently, they were going to sing Hakuna Matata from The Lion King which Alec would have loved to see. 

Although, Alec couldn’t feel too bad. He felt quite giddy, actually. 

Because he knew he would see Magnus again in less than two days. 

After having finished his evening routine, Alec lay in his bed when he heard his phone vibrate. He felt a swoop in his stomach when he saw who had texted him. 

 

From: Magnus

_Hope you made it home safe… <3 _

 

From: Alec 

_We did, thank you! How was the karaoke?_

 

From: Magnus 

_It was amazing! I refused to be Pumbaa so I managed to convince Catarina to let me be Timon. He’s much cuter!_

 

From: Alec

_I’m glad to hear it. It’s important to fight for your right to be the cutest disney character. We’ll have to do it again sometime!_

 

From: Magnus 

_Absolutely! Maybe we could do Aladdin next time… a whole new world ;)_

 

From: Alec

_Sure, I love that movie! Did you know they’re doing a remake this year with Will Smith as the genie? Anyway, I’m gonna sleep now… good night Magnus... thanks for a great night :)_

 

From: Magnus

_Anytime! Good night Alexander <3_

 

Alec fell asleep with a smile on his lips. Giving Magnus his phone number was the best thing he had ever done in his whole life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed Alec giving flirting a go. Idk about you but I thought he was pretty smooth...  
> Please let me know what you thought! :)  
> Byeee ♡♡


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with an update! Hope you guys like it ♡

From: Alec

_Again, I’m really sorry. I didn’t have any choice…_

 

From: Magnus

 _It’s fine, stop apologizing! Really, I understand. I’ll meet you there, okay?_

 

From: Alec

_I know, but I was looking forward to it :( I’ll try to hurry!_

 

From: Magnus

_Tell your patients it’s terribly rude being sick?_

 

From: Alec

_I don’t think that is going to work nor can I in good conscience say that…_

 

From: Magnus

_You’re too pure for this world, Alexander. I’ll see you tonight, late or early._

 

With a rueful smile, Alec reread the texts he and Magnus had written each other some hours ago.

 _Of course_ , the same sickness which had hit Magnus’ surgery apartment spread to Alec’s neurology care ward as well and _of course_ all the other doctors working there were either sick or busy. Meaning, Alec got called into work early Sunday afternoon. Normally, he would be happy to help out – but not when he, as he realized while staring at the clock in the nurses office, that he’d be late for the dinner at Jace and Clary’s. Which, again, he also wouldn’t mind so much if it wasn’t for the fact that Magnus would be there. While Alec was stuck here. 

Sure, Magnus said he understood, which he probably also did, but Alec felt bitter nonetheless. Also, his eyes were starting to burn from looking at fluorescent lighting for too long. 

A big part of him just wanted to go home, go to bed and take a really long nap. Sleep, if you will. 

But an even larger part of him wanted to take a taxi to Jace and Clary’s place as soon as possible, so he could Magnus again. 

He’d told him he wouldn’t be able to make it, but apparently, Magnus was set on going anyway without him and meeting him there. Which made Alec a bit uneasy. He couldn’t help but to wonder what they were doing without him. Were they talking about him? Good things, bad things? Alright, _fine_ \- he knew it’d be good things. His siblings loved him. They wouldn’t say anything bad about him behind his back. And neither would Magnus. 

“You know, you’re not the only one who’s stuck here against their will,” said Maia. She had her arms crossed, standing by the threshold of the door. “Yet, somehow, you always manage to look the most miserable.”

“Stuck, by free will or somehow convinced to stay – it doesn’t matter,” muttered Alec. “I always manage to look the most miserable” 

“Is it a gift or a curse – who knows?” said Maia. “Not when Magnus is around though, then you manage to look ten times happier than the rest of us combined.”

“Right.” Alec rolled his eyes. It was easier to dismiss that entirely than consider there might be some truth to it. “How are the patients doing? Do you have anything I need to look into?” 

Maia gave an update of their patients’ current state. “In conclusion, I have the situation under control so I think you can go home now. If I need anything, I’ll contact whichever doctor is on call duty.”

“Thanks, Maia,” Alec sighed in relief. 

If was becoming late, the clock closing in on nine. Alec knew Magnus had gone to Jace and Clary’s since he’d said so, but not if he was still there. Probably not, Alec figured, as he took the subway from the hospital to his brother and his girlfriend’s place. Besides, he’d recently texted Jace, Isabelle and Magnus, yet neither had answered. He couldn’t help but experience a mixture of annoyance, disappointment and deep burrowed worry. Why was nobody answering him? What was happening? 

When he arrived at his destination, he rang the doorbell feeling exhausted with nerves and tension. 

The door was opened by a beaming Clary. Her hair hung lose on her shoulders, her cheeks were rosy red and eyes bright. 

“Alec!” she gasped, as if she was pleasantly surprised to see him. 

“Uh,” said Alec, stunned. This was a first. “Hi?”

She went on her tiptoes to give him a surprisingly tight hug. “You finally made it!” 

Alec gave her a pat on the back, which even he could admit was slightly stiff and awkward. It’s just… they didn’t usually hug. Alec wouldn't have minded keeping it that way. “Yeah, sorry I took so long.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She let go of him. “Please, come in.”

“So,” said Alec, as he entered the threshold, “how’s everything going?”

“It’s going great! We’ve just finished dinner. Oh, and we’ve had a few drinks. Tequila sunrise, my favorite.”

Drinks. Meaning alcohol. That would explain why Clary had lit up like a sun at the sight of Alec. 

“Right.” Alec took off his shoes and jacket. “Sounds nice. And is, um, is Magnus still here?” 

“Yeah, he’s still here. They’re all in the living room,” giggled Clary, like if she was telling a secret. 

“Okay.” 

So Alec walked to their living room where he instantly froze on the spot. 

In the room where he’d spent so much time watching TV and relaxing with his family, on the faded pink couch, surrounded by plants and bookshelves, sat Jace with Magnus. 

Which in itself was odd. Jace, Alec’s brother and best friend, with Magnus who was… _Magnus_. Granted, the two of them had met at work before Magnus and Alec had, and thus known each other longer, but it was still… _strange_ seeing them together, just relaxing in this space which has grown so dear to Alec. 

But what was even odder was the situation they were in. 

In between them lay various tools which Alec distantly recognized from Isabelle’s makeup drawer. Brushes, an eyelash curler and some weird sponges which he had no idea what they were for. Maybe for wiping off makeup which had ended up in the wrong place of something, like an eraser. 

And along with it, a wide selection of makeup in different colors – some things which Alec recognized, like mascara, lipstick and eyeliner but also some containers which Alec had no idea what they were for. Probably something for _contouring_. Isabelle had explained several times the process of contouring, also what it was and why you did it, but he still didn’t quite understand it. Lipstick he could understand, that was simple enough, but contouring was just too complex. 

However, contouring must have been involved in what has happened here because Jace currently looked like a completely different person than the one Alec knew. His face glowed in a way it usually didn’t, his cheekbones were pronounced in a way they usually weren’t and his skin was devoid of any imperfections which would have otherwise been there. 

Also, the fact that he had bright red lips, long black eyelashes, golden eyeshadow and dressed in a sort of flowery kimono, was certainly out of the ordinary.

Alec couldn’t do much more than just stare. 

“Oh, hello, Alexander,” Magnus said casually as he spotted him. Like this was an ordinary occurrence. He was sorting through the makeup pile, seemingly organizing it somehow.

Seeing Magnus this comfortable sparked a sort of longing is Alec’s chest he couldn’t quite explain. He was wearing black jeans and a tight, navy blue t-shirt, showing off his arms, and his usual distinct eyeliner around his eyes. Which, Alec supposed, for Magnus was relatively casual. Yet no less breathtaking. 

“Hey, Magnus,” said Alec, tentatively. “And… hello, Jace?”

“Jace?” scoffed Jace, as if he’d been offended. Like the name was an insult. He leaned back in the couch in a lazy movement. “I don’t know who this Jace person is. But he sounds like an asshole if you ask me. You may call me, um… Jocelyn.” 

“Ew,” cried Clary, coming in from behind Alec. “That’s my mom’s name.” 

“Oh, right. Sorry. You may call me Miss Jacette then.” 

“Miss Jacette?” repeated Alec. Just what was happening here?

“My boyfriend would make a surprisingly pretty girl,” Clary mused, scratching her head. “I’m so confused.”

“And you may call me badass dickenergy sexy Mike. BDSM, for short,” said Isabelle, as she came from the kitchen. She took a stand in front of Alec, her arms crossed. She wore an oversized hoodie, probably Jace’s, and her hair was stuffed into a cap. She was devoid of her usual makeup surrounding her eyes and lips. Instead, there were some dark makeup covering her chin, probably meant to be a beard, and her eyebrows were filled - larger and more enunciated than they usually were. “See, big bro. It’s like looking isn’t mirror, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah,” said Alec. “It’s uncanny.” 

Isabelle took a step closer. “Don’t give me that attitude, bro.”

“Oh, I’m ‘bro’, now, am I?”

“Got a problem… _bro?_ ”

Alec raised both his hands. “No problem. _Bro._ ”

“Would you like to try walking in heels after me, Alec?” Jace asked, as he began trying to fit his feet into a pair of Isabelle’s high heels. “It’ll be fun.”

“Tempting, but I’d rather be bored and alive,” replied Alec.

As Jace continued trying to fit his feet into high heels, Alec felt himself being dragged away by the arm. 

“For you information,” Isabelle whispered, as she pulled him into the kitchen, “if you don’t marry Magnus, I will disown you.” She let go of him. “Bro.”

“I don’t think you have the power to do that.”

Isabelle’s eyes grew. “Would you like to test that theory?” 

“I – what? No. But I’m not marrying anyone right now. Besides, we don’t have that kind of relationship, we’re just… friends.” 

Isabelle arched an eyebrow. 

In the background Alec suddenly heard a loud thump and a groan. After came Magnus’ concerned voice, “Are you okay?” followed by Clary’s manic laughter, “I told you, you couldn’t do it!” 

Alec glanced into the living room, making sure everything was fine. And sure enough, it was just Jace lying on the floor like an idiot, having tripped over a stool. He muttered, “Shut up”, while taking off his undoubtedly too small high heels. 

Clary lay on the floor next to him, wheezing in laughter. 

Chuckling, Alec returned his focus to Isabelle. He lowered his voice. “Anyway, he’s not – he’s not interested in me like that.”

After all, Alec had tried to do some flirting but nothing had come out of it. Granted, Magnus probably hadn’t even realized he had been flirting, what with the way Alec was incapable of doing just that. But still. This was for the best. Magnus wasn’t interested in him, he was sure of it. 

Isabelle rolled her eyes. “Really, bro? Is that what you think?” 

“It’s not what I think - it’s what I know.”

Sighing, Isabelle shook her head. “Whatever you say. But look, obviously you don’t need to marry anyone right now, Alec. But you should take a chance on someone, Magnus or someone else.” Her voice softened. “I just want to see you happy.”

And, _ugh_. This conversation again. “I know, I know. And I will when the time is right. Promise.”

Isabelle had a look in her eyes as if she didn’t believe that at all. Alec wasn’t sure he believed in it himself. 

Slowly, Alec begun feeling slightly uncomfortable standing under Isabelle’s excruciating stare. He really didn’t want to have this conversation right now. Preferably not ever. 

As if hearing Alec’s internal cry for help, Magnus chose that moment to call for him. “Alec, you’re up!” 

Frowning, Alec walked back into the living room. “Up?”

Sitting on the couch, Magnus waved a blush brush in lieu of an answer. 

Realization hit Alec. “Oh, _no._ ”

Grinning, Magnus raised his eyebrows and met Alec’s eye. “Oh, _yes._ ”

“No,” Alec repeated. “No way. Nope.”

“Come on. You don’t need to go full glam. Just a little eyeliner. And some other stuff - but I won’t bore you with the names and details. Please?” He lowered his voice and gave Alec that look which never failed to make his knees go weak. “Alexander?” 

And Alec wasn’t strong enough to resist. Not when Magnus spoke his name like _that_ and sent a warm chill down his full body. “Just - just a little then.”

“But of course,” purred Magnus.

“I mean it,” insisted Alec. “Just a little makeup.”

“Oh, you can trust me. It won’t take much to make you dazzlingly handsome anyway.”

“What?” exclaimed Isabelle. “How is this fair? I’ve asked you how many times to do a makeover on you and you always say no. But he gets to do it? With _my_ makeup material?” 

“Well,” Alec shrugged, his cheeks warming, “sorry?” 

Isabelle sighed deeply, but didn’t seem actually that upset. “It’s fine. I guess I’m happy it happened at some point.”

“And I’m happy you carried your makeup material with you, so I could do these fun makeovers. You know, applying makeup isn’t that different from performing surgery,” said Magnus, while patting the space in front of him, inviting Alec to sit down. “It’s all about having the proper tools and a steady hand. Also, your finger technique is very important.” He gave Alec a pointed look, a smirk on his lips. “And I’ve had no complaints so far.” 

“That’s a relief,” said Alec, taking the seat next to Magnus. “I trust you.” 

He noted in his periphery vision that Isabelle, Jace and Clary all went into the kitchen together. Leaving the two of them alone. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t.” Magnus smirked. “Close your eyes.”

Alec complied. “I’m scared.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll take care of you.”

And when Magnus touched his face gently, Alec believed him. 

Alec felt something soft and liquidy touch his face which was followed by the faint touch of a brush. 

He was then given instructions (“look up”, “look down”, “would you stop blinking so damn much”) which he did his best to obey. Although, and Alec didn’t care what anybody said, it was scary having someone bend his eyelashes. It was uncomfortably close to his eyes. 

“There,” said Magnus, after minutes of focused silence apart from pointed directives. “Done. You may look in the mirror.” 

Staring back at him was the same person as before but with smoother skin and dark makeup circling his eyes. It was more mellow than what Magnus had done to Isabelle and Jace, which Alec appreciated. He wasn’t sure he was ready to go full glam, or whatever they were. One day maybe. Something about Magnus made him want to try new things. 

Obviously, he was the same still person as before but yet he could hardly recognize himself. His lips had been left in their natural shade, but due to the dark makeup circling his eyes, the hazel in them stood out in a way it usually didn’t. 

He couldn’t stop staring at himself. 

“Wow,” Alec said. 

“Do you like it?” asked Magnus, standing next to Alec. 

“It’s… different. What do you think?” 

“Oh, I love it.” Magnus beamed, staring at both their reflections. “I think you look amazing. Not that you don’t always do but - a different sort of amazing.”

Alec chuckled. “Thanks. Then I like I too. I doubt I’ll wear it every day but… it’s cool.”

“It’s cool,” echoed Magnus, with a chuckle. “Why, thank you.”

“No, I mean, it’s – 

“You look sexy, Alec,” Magnus deadpanned, smiling. “It’s okay, you can say it.”

Laughing, Alec said, “Fine. I look sexy. Thank you, Magnus, you outdid yourself.”

Magnus leaned in to whisper in Alec’s ear, his hand holding Alec’s arm lightly, “It was my pleasure.”

Goosebumps swept up Alec’s arms and he bit his lip. It was all too much and yet much too little when Magnus was close to him like that. A gentle touch which lit all his nerve ends on fire. 

Then Magnus stepped back and walked into the kitchen, while Alec watched, transfixed. Then Alec followed after him, unable to do anything else. 

As he entered the kitchen, he was met with gasps and cat calling. 

“Looking good, bro,” said Isabelle, sipping on a bear. “Sexy as fuck.”

“Yeah, you look nice,” said Jace, with an arm around Clary. “Not as nice as me, but still nice. I guess not every bitch can pull off wearing red lipstick.” 

“Excuse me?” scoffed Alec, as he sat down between Magnus and Isabelle. 

“What?” asked Jace. He let go of Clary and shrugged. “It’s not mean if it’s true.”

“I can’t pull off a red lipstick,” said Clary. 

“But you’re not a bitch,” replied Jace. “And please, girl, you could totally pull it off.”

“So you’re saying I’m a bitch?” asked Alec, laughing. “A bitch who can’t pull off red lipstick? _Wow._ ” 

“You’re not a bitch either, but _I am_ ,” said Jace. “A bitch who can beat your ass at every shade of lipstick on this planet.”

Alec rolled his eyes.

“Truth hurts,” continued Jace. “Doesn’t it?”

“Yes,” said Alec. “You’re breaking my heart. All my dreams of becoming a lipstick model vanished into thin air.”

“It’s funny that this is where your mind wanders,” said Isabelle, addressing Jace. “Fighting over lipstick.”

“What? You literally own over thirty different shades of lipsticks,” said Jace. 

“Yeah, but I don’t fight with my friends over who can better pull off a creamy matte ravishing rose colored lipstick. Or, I mean,” Isabelle coughed and deepened her voice, “I mean _Isabelle_ doesn’t do that. But _me_ , badass dickenergy sexy Mike, loves picking fights with my friends. Over lipsticks, politics, reality star drama - you name it. Hell, I’ll fight you over anything. I’ll fight over your taste in cereal, if that’s what you want.”

Jace grinned mischievously. “Froot Loops are overrated.” 

“Your mom is overrated,” countered Isabelle. 

“We have _the same mom._ ”

Isabelle slammed her fists against the table. “Wanna fight, bro? One versus one, come on.” 

Jace leaned over the table. “I will stab you in the eye with my high heel.”

“I would like to see you try,” snorted Isabelle. “You can’t even walk in them.”

“I may not be able to walk in them,” admitted Jace, “but I’m still able to stab basic bitches with them.”

Isabelle gasped. “What did you call me?” 

Magnus leaned into Alec’s space, whispering, “Is your family always this violent?” 

“Well,“ said Alec, “Isabelle is usually calmer. But Jace has his, uh, less gracious moments.”

“Alright, alright,” said Clary. “Things are getting a bit heated. There will be no stabbing tonight. How about you just make peace and shake hands?”

“Only if, well, _Mike_ apologizes,” said Jace. 

“Excuse me, young lady,” said Isabelle. “That is sir BDSM to you.”

“I literally refuse to call you that.”

“And I refuse to shake the hand of a peasant girl who refuses to respect my authority.” 

“Just shake each other’s hands!” shrieked Clary. A thin layer of sweat was starting to cover her forehead. 

“Fine,” sighed Isabelle, extending her hand. She winked at Clary. “But only because the beautiful girl demands it.”

“Because the beautiful girl demands it,” repeated Jace and shook her hand. 

“Oh my god,” groaned Clary, putting her face in her hands. 

“Oh, and Clary,” said Magnus, “you would look great in a red lipstick with an orange undertone.”

“Or a light pink,” added Isabelle. 

“Thanks, guys,” said Clary. “Maybe I’ll let you do my makeup too next time, Magnus.”

Alec couldn’t help but to smile at that. 

_Next time._

“It would be my honor, biscuit,” said Magnus. 

As they sat down at their round table discussing makeup and other various things, Alec and Magnus’ feet kept knocking together under the table. Alec tried not to read anything into it; after all, he'd seen the way Magnus was with other people, all casual touches and unexpected closeness. _He_ couldn’t possibly have a problem with spontaneous hugs turning awkward the way Alec had. Thus it was unlikely Magnus was as excruciatingly aware of each point of contact as Alec was.

And it was not nearly enough - Alec felt greedy with much more he wanted. More contact, more skin; with mutual meaning behind it. The desire felt like a desperate tug in his stomach, a need basically, such as breathing. 

He knew he could take a risk. Make a move where his intent was clear: _I want to touch you._

Be brave. 

But Alec wasn’t brave. Not like that.

Instead, his foot touched Magnus’ leg slightly, trying to appear unintentional, and that was as far as he would permit himself to go. 

He was happy though, surrounded by his family and the beautiful man whose face he wanted to grab and kiss senseless. 

 

\--

 

Some hours later, Magnus and Alec found themselves standing outside Clary and Jace’s apartment, lingering in the cold New York air. They’d thanked them for dinner, said their good byes and were just about to head home. 

“I had fun tonight,” said Magnus. He stood under a streetlamp, casting long shadows behind him. 

“Me too,” said Alec. “I’m glad you came even though I was so late. And I hope my family didn’t put you off. I’d say they don’t normally behave like this, but I’m afraid that would be a lie. They’re more or less like this all the time.”

“I’m glad I came too - even if you were awfully late,” chuckled Magnus. “And don’t worry about me being put off, I think you have an wonderful family.” 

“They’re fucking weird,” laughed Alec. “It’s okay, you can say it” 

Magnus joined him in the laughter. “You have a weird _and_ wonderful family.”

“Yeah,” said Alec, putting his hands in his pockets. “They’re the best.”

“Indeed. Not everyone lets me do makeup on them. Far from it. I’m glad Isabelle had her entire makeup kit with her.”

“Yeah, she carries it around with her sometimes on Sundays. Some days she helps out at a local clothing store, doing the makeup for some models for their photoshoots. It’s kind of her hobby.”

“She’s the best,” said Magnus. 

“Yes, she is,” said Alec, pride filling his gut. “Well, anyway, I’m glad you all got along.”

Magnus smiled. “Me too. Family is the most precious thing we have in this world.” 

“Definitely,” agreed Alec. “To me, my family means everything. It’s like they’re the only ones I feel like I can be myself around - who fully accept me. Normally, I don’t like being around people that much. Not that I,” corrected Alec, “not that I dislike people, generally.”

“I know,” said Magnus. “I’ve never said that.”

“Yes, I know. I just-“ Alec started. Took a breath. Tried again. “I know I’m not – I know that I don’t always say the right thing and sometimes I miss things that are really obvious. I can misread things, make my own interpretation of what happened and make prejudices upon that. Which is ironic because I hate it when people do that to me. I just feel like people don’t always see me for who I actually am.” 

Magnus watched him intently, frowning slightly. “Okay.” 

“I just - sometimes I get the impression people think I’m this stiff, stoic guy who dislikes people. Which is not true at all - I don’t dislike people,” Alec continued. “I want everyone to be happy and well. That’s why I became a doctor in the first place. I just feel.. _drained_ around people sometimes and that’s why I sometimes find it hard to be around them. Not because I don’t like them but because I’m worried _they_ won’t like _me_. And it’s exhausting always… worrying, overthinking this stuff. Sometimes I just need to be alone. To relax. To breathe.”

Immediately, Alec worried he’d said too much. He couldn’t help but to wonder what it was about Magnus that made him reveal things, tell things, he would never consider saying to someone else. 

“You’ll let me know, won’t you?” Magnus smiled gently. “If I ever become too much. If you ever need space.”

“Yes, of course,” Alec quickly replied. “But, you know, it’s strange but I’ve never minded being with you. It’s… easy. It’s like you’re the exception to the rule. I feel like you see me. The real me. And I - I would love to see the real you too. If you’d let me.”

Magnus cracked a smile. “Are you saying I’m fake?” 

“No! Not at all, I just –“ Alec stared into Magnus’ eyes and decided nothing other than honesty would do. “I just want to get to know you better, that is all.”

Alec suspected Magnus wore his clothes, makeup and humor as his armor. As a distraction for people not to look too closely. But Alec wanted to look. Wanted to see everything. 

Magnus’ eyes softened. When the smile reached his mouth, it was small, shy almost, and he averted his gaze. When his eyes met Alec’s again, he said quietly, “I would like that too.” 

A soft wind stirred Magnus’ fringe and Alec stared at the movement. Stared at him- stared at Magnus. 

A man for all intents and purposes he didn’t know at all, but still felt like he knew in all ways that mattered. 

Maybe Alec was being delirious but he felt like he like he somehow knew Magnus’ soul. Like their connection somehow transcended words, time and space. It was just there. Just as real as his connection to his siblings. He truly couldn’t in another way explain this physical, throbbing longing for Magnus he felt. 

Magnus cleared his throat. “But I do need to go home now. I have work early tomorrow. However, before I leave,” he hesitated a moment, choosing his words carefully, “I was wondering what you’re doing next Friday.” 

Alec’s heartbeat stopped. “Nothing,” he quickly replied. “Nothing at all. Why?”

“Well, remember the scientific article I wrote a some weeks ago?”

Alec nodded. Of course he remembered. 

“Well, the hospital is throwing a charity event where they’ll let authors introduce their work to potential donors. It’s all very fancy and boring. But I was wondering if perhaps you’d like to come anyway. Say what you will about the people, but they serve good food and alcohol.”

“Oh.” Alec blinked. Not what he had expected and he felt inexplicably disappointed. Still, this was a big deal for Magnus so obviously he would go. “Yes, I’d love to.” 

“Great, I’ll see you Friday then. You could bring someone. Maybe someone from work?”

Alec scoffed. “Like Simon?” 

“Yeah, sure. I think he’s funny, but don’t tell him that. Oh, and Alexander,” Magnus grinned playfully, “do try not to be late this time.”

“It was _once._ ”

“Oh, but twice, actually. Twice you’ve kept me waiting. You were late to Catarina’s birthday party as well.”

“But that was Izzy’s fault.”

“Still.”

“Maybe I’ll show up and you won’t.” Alec smirked. “And I’ll start doing the other doctors’ makeup.”

Magnus laughed. “Now that would be a sight.” 

There was a moment of suspended silence where they just looked at each other. Like they didn’t want this moment to end and didn’t know how to end it either. 

Finally, Magnus exhaled and put his hands in his coat’s pockets. “Right. Well. See you Friday, then.” 

“See you,” Alec breathed. 

Alec watched Magnus’ retrieving back with the familiar sense of longing which had become a constant in Alec’s life. He wanted to be home, in bed, just so he could text Magnus good night. Somehow, he’d over the past few weeks gotten used to internally scheduling his days around when he’d see, talk to or hear from Magnus again. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that and didn’t really want to dwell on it long enough to find out either. 

Taking the subway home, Alec repeated to himself like a mantra, _five more days, five more days -_

Five more days until Alec would see him again. 

 

\--

 

From: Alec

_I get why CPR classes are mandatory when working at the hospital, but those dolls you practice on are really creepy tbh…_

 

From: Magnus 

_Nothing spices up a Wednesday more than kissing a doll! But perhaps you would prefer a live subject?_

 

From: Alec

_You don’t kiss during CPR, Magnus, you breathe into their mouths to provide them with air. Kissing would be horribly inefficient. Unless that is how you kiss people…_

 

From: Magnus

_I guess you’ll have to find out… ;)_

 

From: Magnus

 _I don’t though! I just realized I really didn’t want you to think that is how I kiss people. Bc I don’t. I’m an excellent kisser, not an “inhale air into your lungs”-kisser._

 

From: Magnus 

_I sincerely hope that’s not what you’re into, Alexander…_

 

From: Alec

 _You got me there. I am exposed. Sometimes, I fake having heart attacks to have someone give me just that right kind of kiss…_

 

From: Alec

 _Just kidding. I’m a regular guy. I enjoy my kisses the way I enjoy my water – still, without any carbon dioxide forcibly injected._

 

From: Magnus

_That happens to be my specialty! Besides, I’ve been told that a true love’s kiss can bring anybody back to life…_

 

From: Alec

_I have yet to receive any evidence to support that claim._

 

From: Magnus

 _Ahh, spoken like a true scientist. I guess we’ll have to try then, sometime. First, I’ll stab you. And then, I’ll kiss you. See what happens. You know, for science._

 

From: Alec

_For science. Next time I get stabbed, you’ll be the first to know._

 

“What are you smirking at?” asked Maia. 

Alec jumped. “Oh, uh, nothing. I just –“ Alec quickly put the phone back in his pocket. He’d just arrived at work after having spent the morning taking a mandatory, annual class in CPR. And then telling Magnus about it. “Nothing. Anyway, what’s up?” 

Maia leant against the wall, an eyebrow raised. “You were texting with Magnus, weren’t you?” 

“I said, _what’s up?_ ” Alec started picking up the things he needed for work – a notebook, his doctor’s coat, some pencils. “How are the patients? Are everyone okay? Are you okay? Have you eaten your lunch? Have the patients eaten their lunch?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Everyone has eaten,” said Maia. “I would need to speak to you, though.”

“Of course,” said Alec. He sat down and looked attentively at Maia. 

“We’ll talk in the coordinator room.” Maia made a hand motion, urging Alec to stand up again. “Simon’s there, too. We’ll need the privacy.”

“Right…” 

Alec followed Maia into a small room where Simon sat on a chair awaiting them. He was doing something on his phone but put it down immediately once they entered. 

Maia closed the door behind them. 

There was a tension in the air which was almost palpable. 

“What’s going on?” Alec asked, taking a seat next to Simon. 

“We have a situation,” said Simon. “A lot has happened since you were here.”

“Tell me,” Alec said, frowning. 

“It’s about Greg,” said Maia. 

Alec nodded, remembering the patient. Greg, an old man with prostate cancer, who had been admitted into Alec’s neurology care ward a couple of weeks ago after having suffered a stroke. While in Alec’s care he’d caught an infection, due to a wound he’d gotten after falling down. Once he’d healed, he’d been discharged. Yet, he’d arrived at the ER only some days later after having hitting his head on the sink in his home. Once again in Alec’s care, he’d sent Greg to perform and MRI to check for potential brain damage. That was five days ago.

“What about him?” Alec asked. 

“He’s been running a fever for the last couple of days. We’ve been giving him antibiotic treatment, yet his infection parameters refused to go down,” Maia told him. “The MRI from last week showed signs of early case dementia and left brain damage, likely due to the stroke. Perhaps he even suffered another minor stroke while he was at home. All this resulted in cognitive brain failure and memory loss which was probably why he always forgot everything we kept telling him. Anyway, we gave him an urinary catheter so he wouldn’t have to use the restroom so much, as he kept injuring himself. But he kept pulling at it, so we had to remove it again.”

“Okay,” said Alec, quizzically. “So, what’s happened today?”

“Somewhere between the ongoing infection and possible irritation of the bladder, we believe he’s caught sepsis,” said Simon. “His blood pressure sank, his oxygen saturation reached a critical level and breathing was intensively fast. We’ve given him antibiotic, IV, morphine and oxygen. He’s been calm, but unconscious, the whole day, showing no signs of pain or anxiety. But we - we couldn’t save him. The infection was too severe and his body too weak.”

“He passed away less than one hour ago,” Maia supplied. “I was there. There was no sign of a struggle, it was very peaceful.”

“Right,” said Alec, exhaling. This was unfortunate news. “And now what? How do we proceed? What do you need me to do?”

“You need to call Greg’s wife, Sarah, and let her know what happened,” said Maia. “We’ve tried calling her all day to let her know how bad the situation was so she could come over and be with him, but she hasn’t been answering her phone. Maybe she’s been busy, we don’t know. Either way, it’s your turn to try. Hopefully, she’ll answer now. And when she does, you need to tell her what happened.”

“I need to tell her that her husband is dead,” Alec summarized. He’d met Greg’s wife some weeks ago – she’d been a sweet lady. She didn’t deserve this. 

Maia gave him a long look. “Yes.”

Alec sighed deeply. “Okay. I’ll do that immediately.”

“Wait, Alec,” said Maia, stopping him. She gave him a pointed look. “You realize this was not your fault, right? Wasn’t anyone’s fault. There was no way to prevent this. He was old, had an bad immune system, cognitive failure due to dementia and left brain damage after the stroke. Add a prostate cancer to that, his life expectancy wasn’t long. Obviously, this is a tragic situation which deserves our outmost respect, but we couldn’t have any done more than we did.”

“I-” Alec paused, “I know.”

“And if you need to talk,” continued Maia, “we’re here for you, okay?”

“One for all, all for one,” Simon said. 

“Thanks, guys. I, uh, appreciate that,” said Alec, when suddenly remembering something. “Hey, before I forget – are you guys doing anything this Friday?” 

“Yes,” said Simon and “No,” said Maia, simultaneously. 

“Oh.” Simon glanced at Maia. “Wait, did I say yes? I meant no. _No,_ I’m not doing anything. My weekly dungeons and dragons campaign is on Thursdays not Fridays. How could I forget? Ha, silly me.”

Alec raised an eyebrow. “Look, Simon, if you’re busy –“

“Not busy!” squealed Simon. “What’s up?” 

“Right. Well, Magnus has a work thing. The hospital is presenting their latest research to a bunch of donors, Magnus’ included, and I was wondering if you’d like to tag along. ”

“More than anything in the world!” gasped Simon. 

“Sure,” said Maia. 

“Uh, yeah, I mean, _sure_.” Simon shrugged. “I could probably make it since I have nothing else to do.”

“Great,” said Alec. “Just, whatever you do, don’t be late. It’s important."

Simon saluted. “Scout’s honor.” 

Maia smiled. “Promise.”

“See you Friday, then,” said Alec, as he stood up. “I’ll go make the phone call now. Hopefully, she’ll pick up.”

They both patted him on the back as he went. 

He found to a tiny, unoccupied room where there was nothing but a small desk and a chair, where could make the phone call without any distractions. This was part of the job, being the bringer of bad news, but that didn’t make it easy. 

He remembered Greg; always happy, accepting and radiating kindness. He deserved a respectful and good ending. He deserved to have those he loved with him. 

He dialed Greg’s wife, Sarah’s, number. After some beeps, she picked up. 

Alec took a deep breath, preparing himself. 

“Hello,” she said. Her voice sounded cheerful like she was expecting a friend to start talking. “This is Sarah speaking.”

“Hello, Sara,” replied Alec. “This is doctor Alec Lightwood speaking. From the hospital. I’ve been treating your husband, Greg. We met some weeks ago.”

A pause. “Oh.” 

“We’ve tried calling you all day but you haven’t been answering your phone.”

“No, I - I’ve been visiting my grandchildren and left my phone at home.” She sounded confused. “Why, what do you want?”

“I-“ Alec considered it and decided to ignore that question, for now. “Sarah, you should probably sit down for what I’m about to tell you.”

“I’m perfectly fine standing, thank you. Now, _please_ , tell me why you’re calling.”

Alec looked ruefully out the window at the small garden out there. The weather was gloomy but there was actually a patient out there for once. An elder woman sitting in a wheelchair, reading a book. 

Returning his full focus to the phonecall, Alec steeled himself. It would be hard to say the truth, but he had to do it. There would never come a time when this would be easier. For either of them. 

“It’s about your husband, Greg.” Alec took another deep breath. “I regret to inform you that he passed away earlier this day –“

“That’s impossible,” she quickly injected. “I talked to him before going to bed last night. He was fine then, nothing but a small cold.”

“I know it’s sudden, but –“

“It’s not sudden. It’s _impossible._ ”

“I’m afraid not.” Alec adjusted himself in his seat. “He’s been fighting an infection for the last couple of days and somewhere during the night, it worsened and he entered a clinically worse state. And due to his old age, his body wasn’t strong enough to fight it.” Alec paused, waited to see if she would say something. When she didn’t, he continued. “We tried to fight the infection but unfortunately his body wasn’t strong enough. However, I can tell you that he wasn’t in any pain when he died. It was very calm and peaceful.” 

There was another silence. This time, Alec waited for Sarah to speak. 

“When did it happen?” she finally asked. 

“Less than one hour ago.”

Another pause. Alec waited, expecting more questions. 

“You sound very young,” she observed. “How old are you?” 

Alec hesitated. “I don’t see how that is relevant.”

“Please, just answer the question.”

“Twenty eight.“

“Twenty eight,” she repeated. “Not even thirty. And do you, at your age, feel qualified to handle a job this important with so much responsibility?”

“Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

“I just didn’t want my husband to be treated by someone with no experience or knowledge about how these diseases work. I feel like… _this_ could have been avoided if we’ve had a doctor who knew what they were doing.”

Alec swallowed. He knew, rationally, that this was the grief speaking and she was entitled to her pain, but the words still felt heavy in his chest. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“I would like to speak to your boss,” she continued. 

“You may absolutely speak to my boss. I can give you her number,” Alec said. “But first, I would like to inform you of the opportunity to come to the hospital to say goodbye to Greg, before we send him to the morgue. The nurses here will give a warm welcome and take care of you and Greg before you start planning his funeral.” 

“I-“ her voice starting to choke up on the other side, “I- I will do that. No thanks to you. And I’ll bring our children as well. But I still want to talk to your boss.”

“As in within your right,” said Alec. “And will you find your way here or do you need someone to come pick you up?” 

“I don’t want your help,” she spat. “And don’t show you face when I get there.”

“Yes, I will of course not –“

She hung up. 

Alec stared at the telephone. 

“Um,” said Alec, to nobody. “I’m sorry.”

_I’m so sorry._

Slowly, he put the phone back on the table. He put his face in his hands. 

The silence penetrated his skin and made him freezing cold. The only sound was his own staggered breaths echoing within the four walls. 

He knew this was part of the job, what he had signed up for, but he just felt so... inadequate. And lost. He felt lost. Just, completely lost. 

What was he meant to do? How could he fix a situation that was beyond reparable? 

Alec didn’t want to be selfish and make this awful situation about him. But he had to do something about the ache in his chest, his shortage of breath and the tears that were pressing behind his eyelids. 

Maia and Simon had said he could talk to them but… he didn’t want them to see him when he was such a mess. Didn’t entirely trust them with his pain. 

There was only one person that came to mind. One person, who he trusted entirely; with his pain, with his honesty, with his vulnerability. 

Magnus. He needed to talk to Magnus. Magnus would understand - he would know how to fix this hollow feeling. 

He wrote to him. 

 

From: Alec

_Hey, how are you? I’d like to talk to you later if you have the time…_

 

From: Magnus

_I’m well thank you for asking <3 for you, always. Tonight at 8 pm? _

 

From: Alec

_8 pm works. Thank you_

 

From: Magnus

_Are you okay?_

 

From: Alec

_I think so. I’ll talk to you later._

 

From: Magnus

_Okay. Remember to take care of yourself!_

 

Alec sighed. He had no idea how to take care of himself. All he knew was how to take care of others. But, apparently, he was incapable of even that. 

But he could wait until tonight. He’d just have to ignore his own feelings until then, but he was an expert on that so, hopefully, it shouldn’t be too much of a challenge. 

 

\--

 

Alec got through the day, somehow. It’s amazing what you were able to do when you had no choice but to do it. 

Once home, he’d made a simple dinner, done the dishes and watched some stupid reality show on TV, all while waiting for the clock to reach eight. 

He lay in his bed, reading the book about uncommon neurology diseases in your middle ages that he had ordered two weeks ago, when his phone finally rung. 

He looked at the caller ID. Magnus. 

Immediately, Alec picked up. “Hey,” he said, letting go of the book and burrowing deeper into the bed. 

“Hello, darling,” said Magnus, softly. His voice sent a warmth through Alec’s body the way it always did. “How are you?” 

“Better now,” replied Alec. He was shocked himself, by the truth of his own words. It was like he could finally breathe for the first time in hours. “And you? Are you home?” 

“I’m fine. And yes, I am.” 

Alec hummed. 

“Did something happen?” asked Magnus. 

“Yeah, no, I… it was just a work thing. I, uh, was in a difficult situation. And I couldn’t really handle it.”

“Would you like to talk about it?” 

“Well,” Alec hesitated, “I don’t know. I just mostly wanted to talk to you, I think.”

“Okay,” said Magnus. “Well, you know, work can be hard. It’s important to talk to people about what you find difficult. There is no shame in admitting you need help. If anything, it’s a strength.” 

“Yeah,” said Alec, sighing. “I just - sometimes, I just feel so inadequate. Like I’m meant to be able to do something, and if I can’t, or do the wrong thing, I just feel so… guilty. Like it’s failure in itself that is unacceptable. Like if I fail at something, I _become_ a failure.”

Magnus was silent for a moment. “You’re not going to be able to do everything, though. You will fail. And then you will fail again. That’s just life. That doesn’t make you a failure.”

“I know. I do know that. But my brain doesn’t seem to want to accept it.”

“I mean, I mess up too, believe it or not. All the time. Like this Friday. I’m worried about how my work will be perceived. What people will think. If it will have the same impact that I wish it will have.”

“Oh,” said Alec, frowning. He wished he could see what Magnus looked like right now, if he would look embarrassed, cautious or awkward. “I can’t imagine you nervous.”

Magnus chuckled. “I’m human just as everyone else.”

“I guess.” Alec furrowed his eyebrows. “There’s just something about you that makes everything seem so easy. Like you could overcome anything.”

“I-“ Magnus sighed, “I struggle just like everyone else. Our line of work is challenging.”

“Then how do you do it? How do you deal with it all?” 

Magnus took a deep breath before speaking. “People think this job is easy. That you hand out some medicine, you mend some broken bones, you tell your patients to exercise and eat healthy. But it’s more than that.” Alec could picture Magnus on the other end, speaking vibrantly, gesturing with his hands. “It’s about _life._ And, in the end, death and pain is just as much part of life as birth and everything else in between is. Being a doctor is about handling the most painful and intimate part of other people’s lives and do your best to diminish their suffering. To try to save them.” 

“I know,” whispered Alec. 

“But the truth is, Alec, you won’t be able to save everyone.” Magnus took a pause, deliberate. “The only one who you can ever, truly save is yourself.”

“I don’t-“ Alec swallowed, “I don’t know if I can accept that.”

“You’ll have to accept it if you’re going to survive in this profession,” Magnus pressed. “Ambition is good but you need to prioritize yourself sometimes too. You are the only one who is in control of your own life, the one in charge of your own happiness. And are you happy, Alec? If not, what would make you happy? And are you doing that?” 

“I- I am happy.” Alec tried to sound as convincing as possible. “But I do feel like I’m missing something, and I -” Alec hesitated, “I think you know what I mean. I know what I would like to have in my life to make me happy and I wish that I had it. I just… I just don’t know how to find it.”

Love. He wanted love. An all-encompassing, tolerant, patient love. And all that came with it; 

Company, companionship, shared experiences, shared sorrow, shared happiness.

A shared life. 

_A family._

“Well,” said Magnus. He dragged the word, as if he wasn’t sure whether to continue, “sometimes, I guess…” 

Alec sat up, his interest piqued. “Sometimes, what?” 

There was a pause before Magnus continued. “Sometimes it’s easy to miss something even though it’s right there in front of you.” 

“I…” Alec blinked. “I suppose it can be like that sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Magnus breathed. “It can.”

Alec frowned. What did Magnus mean? He needed to know. Needed it to mean what he suspected it meant. “Hey, Magnus, what-“

There was suddenly a sound in the background of Magnus’ phone, something close to a door opening and the shuffling of sheets. Alec heard Magnus curse under his breath. “Look, I’m really sorry, but I have to go.”

“Okay,” said Alec. “Is everything alright?” 

“Yes, everything is fine,” Magnus quickly replied. “Look, I-“ Alec heard a voice speaking in the background, “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Yeah, alright.”

“And, Alexander? If you ever need something, anything, just know that I am here for you. Always. Never hesitate to talk to me. Never doubt whether I want to hear from you - I always want to hear from you. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Alec said. “You too, Magnus. And if you ever… need anything, whatsoever, I’m here. And, hey - you’ll do great on Friday. You have absolutely no reason to be nervous. I mean, if anything, you can count on me being impressed at least.” 

Magnus chuckled, “Thanks.”

Alec smiled, pleased. “Oh, and –“

“Shit, I’m sorry, but I need to go. I’ll talk to you soon,” said Magnus in one hurried breath before hanging up.

“Bye, then,” said Alec, quietly, to himself. 

Weird. But Magnus was pretty weird so nothing out of the ordinary, really. 

Alec held his phone close, as if by doing so he somehow held Magnus close too. The way he wanted to. 

As he lay in bed, he closed his eyes and repeated the conversation to himself. 

_Sometimes it’s easy to miss something even though it’s right there in front of you._

Magnus had said that. 

_Sometimes it’s easy to miss something even though it’s right there in front of you._

Kind, compassionate, accepting Magnus. 

Magnus. Beautiful Magnus. 

Alec opened his eyes and wondered how he could have been so blind. 

_Sometimes it’s easy to miss something even though it’s right there in front of you._

Sometimes the fear of making a mistake made Alec passive. It made him careful, knowing that his next move could have an impact he did not want. Sometimes, he’d decide to not do anything at all as to avoid failing at it. 

It was probably partly why he hadn’t put himself out there to finding love. A fear of making the wrong choice, choosing the wrong guy - hurting him. Being hurt himself. 

But no more. No more being ruled by fear. To hell with being professional, to hell with just being colleagues and to hell with just being friends. 

Alec finally knew what he wanted and would not permit himself to stand in front of his own happiness. He wanted Magnus, wanted him in all ways it was possible to want someone, and he would for once prioritize himself and his own wellbeing. 

Therefore, Alec would _not_ be passive any longer. Instead, he made a choice:

Friday, he would _not_ make a grand love gesture. 

He would _not_ rush head over heels and tell Magnus he was the last thing he thought about before going to sleep. The first thing he thought about when waking up. The one he missed during his day. The one he, almost intuitively, wanted to tell everything and share everything with. 

That he felt about him in a way he has never felt about anyone before, ever. 

That he was, undeniably, in love with him. 

Not that all that wasn’t true but… it was too soon to bare his heart out like that. Alec could, and would, chill. He was the epitome of _chill._

So, Alec would not tell him all that. Not yet. 

But Friday, he _would_ ask Magnus Bane out on a date. 

Friday, he would be brave. 

 

\--

 

From: Simon WhydoIhavehimasacontact 

_Dude!! Want to do something funny? How about you wear a shirt tonight saying “doctor” and I wear a shirt saying “who”?? would be so cool_

 

From: Maia Roberts

_Can’t stay out too late tonight, need to fill in at work early in the morning tomorrow. That’s fine right?_

 

From: Simon WhydoIhavehimasacontact

_Fuck I just realized I don’t own a shirt saying “who” and doubt you have a shirt just saying “doctor” so never mind, I’ll just wear something normal, I suggest you do the same_

 

From: Izzy

_Want me to come over and do your eyeliner the way Magnus did? You’ll make all the male (and female tbh) doctors swoon ;) they won’t know what hit them, Magnus included ;)_

 

From: Simon WhydoIhavehimasacontact

_Me again!! Still don’t own a shirt saying “who” so don’t get your hopes up, but I found something cool while raiding through my closet. A shirt looking like Anakin skywalker’s in star wars episode 3. Now hypothetically, if you were a straight woman working as a nurse at a hospital in new york, would you find that attractive? Asking for a friend…_

 

From: Simon WhydoIhavehimasacontact

_I also found a nice lord of the rings shirt, figured you might want it_

 

From: Simon WhydoIhavehimasacontact

 _I’ll bring it and you can make up your mind on the spot :)_

 

Alec didn’t reply to any of the texts, too busy searching his wardrobe for an appropiate outfit.

It was rare that Alec took a moment to really put an effort into his appearance. He usually just went for the effortlessly handsome look, empathies on effortless and crossed his fingers handsome just was a constant like Isabelle claimed, and hoped he pulled it off. 

But tonight, he would make an effort and be deliberately handsome. So Alec decided to wear the only suit he owned - which he had only worn once before, at his cousin’s wedding. It made him feel more dressed up, and handsome, than he had in a long time. 

It was an important night for Magnus and Alec wanted to dress for the occasion. Also, he would confess his feelings, and would rather he looked his best while doing so. 

He was fairly certain Magnus felt _something_ for him too, some attraction at least, what with the way he kept flirting, kept touching, kept being close. The way they simply got along, clicked, in a way Alec rarely did with people. 

And, Alec thought as he sat on his bed, staring at his own reflection in the mirror; the way Magnus spoke his name. 

_Alexander._

Like Alec’s name, his full name, meant something in itself - was a representation of him. Like both his name, spoken sincerely and intently, as well as he, were important. As if Alec mattered simply because he was him and he was someone worthy of taking up space in this world. 

And by saying, whispering, sighing his name, Magnus spoke a truth only he saw. A truth Alec has kept hidden from this world his whole life; a truth which now only Magnus was able to witness. And he declared he saw it every time he uttered Alec’s name. 

_Alexander._

Alec could picture the way Magnus would light up when he finally asked him out on a date. He’d probably beam and say something amongst the lines of, _I would love to._

Or, maybe, he’d smirk and say something flirty, _Oh, I thought you’d never ask._

Either way, he would look at Alec and give him _that_ look only Magnus was able to. 

Either way, he would look at Alec and speak his name the way only he could. 

_Alexander._

Sometimes, Alec’s thoughts would wander involuntarily. Easily, he could also imagine scenarios where he would make Magnus gasp, pant, _yell_ his name. And Alec would call his name back. Desperately, hungrily, as a _plea_ ; please, let me be everything to you. Let me make you feel as good as you make me feel. 

_Magnus._

Alec inhaled sharply and straightened his white shirt. He stood up from the bed and went to the kitchen to have a glass of water. He felt like he had a fire burning beneath his skin. 

It’s fine. He’s got this under control. 

He looked at the clock on his phone. One hour before he needed to leave. 

Besides, it’s not like he was nervous, or anything. Because he wasn’t nervous. He was not nervous, he wasn’t, was _not._

His sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat and internal fire was simply a result of the layered suit and too much coffee. Cotton and caffeine in combination really was the worst. 

Not the prospect that Magnus might, possibly, say no. And that all his hopes and fantasies would remain just that – far off dreams which he would never catch. 

Although surely, _surely_ , Magnus would say yes. Every hint he’d sent pointed in that direction. Alec was just overthinking this the way he always did about everything, ever. 

Alec took another glass of water, contemplating. Just how does one even ask someone out on a date? “Will you go out with me?” “Want to go on a date with me?” “Are you free this weekend?” 

Knowing Alec, it’d probably come out sounding something like: “Hey, I think you’re pretty amazing, want to get marrie- I mean, do you want to mar-, uh, marinate vegetables for my sisters barbeque?” 

Which would not do. There would be no marriage proposals. No stuttering. No marinating vegetables. No barbeque with Isabelle. They’d have their first date somewhere romantic, somewhere special. Not at an altar though. But definitely not with Alec’s siblings, either. 

Just something chill and low-key. Alec could totally do chill and low-key. 

Or well, wherever Magnus wanted to really, it’s not like Alec would mind either way. But he’d offer something chill, low-key yet still romantic and special. That was the goal, at least. And Alec liked having concrete goals and plans to work with. The fact that he had a goal but not a structured, concrete plan apart from “be brave and just ask him“ stressed him out. 

He could ask Isabelle for help, she would _love_ that, but he didn’t want to say anything before he knew it was a sure thing. On the off chance that things went poorly and he had his heart broken, he wouldn’t want to have to explain that to Isabelle. 

This was a risk he was willing to take, but he wanted to do so alone. After all, he _had_ to know if he had a chance at reaching the happiness he so desperately craved with the man he was in love with. 

He was ready. 

 

\--

 

Turned out, Alec was not ready. 

He was not ready to find Magnus standing talking with another elder man in a grey, old fashioned suit. He was not ready sparkling eyes and spiky hair, was most definitely not ready for a burgundy shirt with a scooping neckline revealing tanned skin. He was simply _not_ ready for the jolt of heat that warmed his cheeks, and fuck, Alec was so in love with him he could barely _breathe._

How he had managed to survive this long was truly a mystery. 

Magnus looked…sophisticated, expensive, _exquisite_ ; are the words which came to mind. Alec had never thought of himself as someone who valued money that much but something about the classy cut of his suit made him look like he could be the front model of a high end fashion magazine. And the way he carried himself which spoke of confidence and self-assurance, yet devoid of any arrogance, made Alec hot to the collar and his mouth dry. 

The two men appeared to be saying good bye to each other and Alec glanced away as not to be caught staring.

Alec, Maia and Simon had arrived some time ago, everyone being punctual, but this was the first time Alec had spotted Magnus. The building they were in was huge, he hadn’t known where to go first. They were currently in an old building Alec had never been to before, known for hosting conferences and parties. 

The entrance seemed to have some sort of flower theme; flowers in the windows, on the tables, on the floor. It been covered with a wide range of beautiful flowers, making the air smell deliciously sweet as they entered, giving a warm welcome. 

The main hall they were currently in was large with high ceiling and packed with people, mostly doctors and other obscenely rich people, Alec presumed. Alec hoped he would never in his life had to speak in front this many people. 

“Alec,” said Maia. She wore a long, black dress, her hair done up in a lose bun. “Me and Simon are going to search for drinks and then find our seats. But I’m guessing you want to –“ she nodded in Magnus’ direction, “you know.” 

Alec picked up a small snack from a waiter that walked by. A biscuit with caviar on it. He took a bite. It was, well, agreeable. Salty.

“Uh, yeah, you do that,” said Alec. “And yes, I’m gonna, well,” he also nodded in Magnus direction with a shrug, “you know.”

“Oh, I know.” Smiling, Maia patted him on the arm. “Good luck. Tell Magnus me and Simon say hi, thank you for inviting us and that we’ll talk to him after the ceremony.” 

“Will do.”

She left then, joining Simon, and Alec stood alone, eating his biscuit, wondering what his next move should be. 

He should speak to Magnus. That’s what he should do. That’s what he would do - he knew that much. But how? Magnus was so far away, should Alec just go over there? What if he was talking to someone else – should he interrupt? What if Alec messed up; what if he said something totally stupid? Although, Magnus had known him for a while now, he was probably used to Alec saying stupid things. At least, he hadn’t minded thus far. Maybe if he - 

Alec glanced over to see what Manus was doing and _oh._

Leaning casually with his hands in his pockets against a table filled with tiny appetizers stood Magnus, looking at Alec. Watching Alec. _Staring_ at Alec. 

Slowly, Alec raised his hand in greeting. 

With a smile spreading on his lips, Magnus seemed to take that as his invitation to walk to Alec. Which Alec took as his invitation to walk to Magnus. 

They met in the middle. 

“Hey,” said Alec, and met Magnus’ bright smile with one of his own. 

“Alexander,” Magnus said in lieu of greeting, and Alec felt his stomach swirl pleasantly. “You’re here. And on time as well.”

“I told you I would be,” insisted Alec, chuckling. “I’m usually not late.”

Magnus smirked. “Yet, I will never stop being pleased to see you.”

“I hope not,” Alec replied, breathless.

Magnus smiled as if Alec’s answer pleased him. “And did you bring anybody with you?”

“Yes, Simon and Maia. They’re here somewhere, raiding the free alcohol.”

“As they should.”

“Yeah. And, uh, they say hi, thank you for the invitation and good luck.” 

“They’re sweet,” said Magnus. “Sometimes. When you bribe them with free alcohol and food.”

“Yeah, that’s how you win nurses over. They’re kind of like cats in that way. Um, minus the alcohol part then. Or, I’ve never met a cat that consumes alcohol at least.”

“No,” Magnus laughed. “My cat Chairman has a lot of flaws, but I doubt indulging in alcohol behind my back is one of them.”

“Well, that’s good. And, um, by the way,” Alec’s heartbeat sped up. Now was as good time as any. Time to be brave, “there was something I wanted to ask you.”

Intrigued, Magnus raised his eyebrows. “Oh, yes?” 

“Uh, yeah, um-“ Alec cleared his throat, _be brave, be brave, be brave,_ “I was wondering what, um, if, if you’re – I mean, if maybe you’d like to-“

Magnus stepped into Alec’s space, grinning. “If I’d like to-?”

“If you, if you’d like to, to maybe-“

Another step closer. He spoke, voice raspy, eyes hopeful, “Yes?” 

They were standing right in front of each other now. Alec could smell him, could feel the heat radiating from his body, could touch him. Mesmerized, Alec stared at his lips. Soft, slightly parted, inviting. If he wanted to he could – 

But, no. Not yet. Not now.

Alec raised his gaze to meet his deep, brown eyes, “If you’d like to-“

“Magnus!” Came a female voice, raising above the general chatter. “Get over here, we need you! It’s about to start!” 

With a sigh, Magnus turned around and yelled, “Coming!”

He returned his focus to Alec. “I’m terribly sorry, darling, but I need to go. However,” he seized Alec’s hand and began stroking his fingers, painfully softly, “perhaps you could hold that thought and we could talk afterwards? When everything has calmed down?” 

“Yes,” said Alec, nodding. “Of course. I can do that. And, hey, good luck. Not that you need it, you’ll do great.”

And Magnus gave him _that_ look, the one reserved just for Alec; soft eyes, kind smile. “Thank you, Alexander. I’ll see you soon.” He’d taken some steps back before speaking again, a gleam in his eyes, “Oh, and you look absolutely edible in that suit. Has anyone told you that?”

Before Alec could answer, _no_ , Magnus smirked and walked back into the crowd of people. 

And just like that, he was gone, and Alec remembered that other people existed in the world.

When Alec felt properly composed after that intense, but anticlimactic encounter, he went to join Maia and Simon who had already found their seat at a long, oval table. And, of course, with alcohol in their hands. They’d brought a drink for him as well, it seemed. It was yellow and had an orange slice in it. 

Alec approved. 

It seemed the presentations were about to start soon, what with the way people on the podium were moving things about. Making sure everything was prepared. 

Alec couldn’t help himself – his eyes searched for Magnus before even giving it a conscious thought. He spotted him sitting down and talking to a woman at the end of the room, the same woman who had called his name earlier. She was very beautiful with long brown, curled hair and red painted lips. She looked to be about Magnus’ age and also wore something expensive looking just like him. But other than that, they couldn’t be more different. Where Magnus exuded an aura of kindness and openness, she had an aura of disapproval and dissatisfaction. Her posture was stiff and there was a disbelieving look on her face as Magnus was telling her something vividly – all bright smiles and large hand gestures. 

As if somehow sensing Alec’s gaze, she turned her head and their eyes met. There was something almost accusatory in her eyes which made Alec’s stomach turn cold. As if he had done something to personally offend her. Or smelled bad. 

Snorting, Alec returned his focus to his drink. Some doctors truly were pretentious snobs. 

“So, Alec,” said Simon, reclaiming his attention, “did you want-”

“No.” Alec gave him a pointed look. “I definitely do not want your lord of the rings shirt.” 

“You sure? It’s really fancy. Is Magnus not into roleplaying?”

“You know,” Alec crossed his arms, “I haven’t gotten around to asking him that yet.”

“Alright then. I, however, can’t believe I’m missing my first dungeons and dragons session in six months.” 

Alec glanced at him. “I thought you said you met on Thursdays, not Fridays?” 

“Oh, right. Uh, of course we do.” Simon coughed. “Anyway, do you remember, Alec, when you wrote that email to Magnus some weeks ago?” 

“No, Simon, I have forgotten.” Alec rolled his eyes. He took a sip of his drink. It was sugary sweet and slightly sour. Again, he approved. “Nice drink.”

“Allow me to remind you then,” continued Simon. “You were considering writing to Magnus, or doctor Bane as you referred to him back then, and sought my social expertise. And you ended up being so sweet and kind all due to my advice. And look where we are now.” He beamed. “All thanks to me.”

Alec huffed a laugh. “All thanks to you?” 

“Maybe a little bit thanks to you too, but yes. Mostly thanks to me. I basically organized this whole thing. You might as well call me Mister Fate.”

“Never happening.”

“I just,” Simon leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head, “I just feel like we have truly bonded over these past few weeks, wouldn’t you agree?” 

Alec shook his head slowly. “Not really.” 

“Maia, what do you think?” asked Simon. “Wouldn’t you say it’s reasonable to call me Mister Fate?”

“I don’t think you can take credit for Magnus’ and Alec’s relationship, Simon,” laughed Maia. 

“We don’t, uh,” injected Alec, “we don’t have a relationship, though.”

“Oh, so you don’t know each other?” Maia gave him a sceptic look. “You don’t know who each other are? There is not even a friendly relationship between you?” 

“Well, yeah,” admitted Alec, “but we don’t have a, you know, _romantic_ relationship.”

“You do realize,” Maia said, smirking, “it’s kind of telling that that’s what you automatically assumed I meant.” 

“Oof!” Simon elbowed Alec in the ribs. “She got you there, mate.”

Scoffing, Alec rolled his eyes but couldn’t really bring himself to put his heart into it. 

Tonight, he felt like anything was possible. 

Tonight, nothing would bother him. 

“Wait. _Wait._ Was that a fond eye roll?” Maia gasped. “Simon, did you see that? He rolled his eyes _fondly._ He’s finally warming up to us!”

Simon and Maia high-fived across the table. 

“You guys are the worst,” said Alec, watching the exchange. “The literal worst.”

“See, you don’t actually mean that,” said Simon. “You love us.”

“Aww,” cooed Maia. “He loves us.”

“Oh, be quiet, won’t you,” chuckled Alec. He nodded to the podium, where a single man in a luxurious suit now stood, testing the microphone. “It’s starting.”

“Welcome,” the man of the podium said and immediately the whole room turned quiet, "to the annual ceremonial presentation of New York City’s latest research projects in the medical field. My name is Luke Garroway and I’ll be your host tonight.“ 

The man, Luke, started discussing the new research which was being developed, both in New York and worldwide, in many areas of medicine: vascular, neurology, geriatric, palliative and so many more. In detail describing why the world of medicine currently was so groundbreaking and fascinating. He then proceeded to announce who some of the speakers would be and Alec recognized some names from medical school and some for having worked with them at the hospital. 

First off was a woman talking about patient centered care in the intensive care units.

Alec tried listening attentively, but found it difficult as he was too excited for Magnus’ presentation. It was the same throughout the whole evening, regardless of how interesting the subjects were or how charismatic the speakers, until it was finally Magnus' turn. 

When Magnus entered the stage he, as Alec had predicted, did not exude a single shred of nervousness or insecurity. It was like he’d been born to be there. 

“Hello,” Magnus said. He smiled like he couldn’t be happier to be where he was. “So good to be back here and see so many familiar, and new, faces.” 

Alec couldn’t describe the rich feeling in his chest as anything other than pride. 

“I’m here today to talk about my latest research project, which I’ve spent the better part of a year working on,” said Magnus. “As we all know, the population worldwide is getting older which means illnesses affecting mainly that demographic will only get more common. Such as dementia. It is estimated by the year 2050, over 115 million people worldwide will suffer from it. Meaning, it is time we do what we can to minimize the damage caused by this disease.”

He started with explaining what the goal of his research had been – to discover an new potential method of developing an inhibiting drug for dementia, mainly Alzheimer’s. He continued then by explaining how he’d reached his conclusions and how his research could be used in the clinic world. 

Alec listened intently and felt personally outraged when he spotted someone typing on their phone. The _disrespect_. How did they not realize that this worth spending their time listening to? Definitely more so than checking your Instagram, Twitter or whatever they did. Social media wasn’t that important. 

“Thank you for listening to me,” Magnus concluded, after having finished his presentation and having answered some questions. “And a special thank you to the most important woman in my life who continues to serve as my unending inspiration.”

Alec frowned. Who did he mean – Catarina? 

“Again, thank you for your time,” said Magnus, before he left the podium. 

Loud applause filled the room, Alec’s clapping probably the loudest. 

“Thank you, Magnus Bane,” said Luke. “Always a pleasure having you here. And last up is the plastic surgeon, Camille Belcourt, presenting her work on reformative breast reduction surgery for women with breast cancer.” 

Alec recognized that name – that was Magnus’ ex. Alec clapped, his eyes narrowed. It was the woman from before, who had called Magnus’ name and sat next to him. From what Alec has heard from Magnus, she wasn’t the best of persons. Also, she had hurt Magnus, which made him immediately dislike her. 

“Thank you,” Camille said as she entered the podium. “I’m so honored to be here.”

As she started explaining her research, Alec couldn’t help but be impressed. It was clear that she’d spent a lot of time and effort on this project. And in no way was she stupid or foolish, in fact, the whole presentation was meticulously structured and her points were clear. If anything, her intelligence was strikingly impressive, just like Magnus’. Alec could imagine that this research would be invaluable to a lot of people. 

As she was rounding up, after having answered some questions, she too started saying her thanks. 

“This has been a journey, indeed,” Camille said. “And I couldn’t have done it without my amazing colleagues. And especially my dear fellow scientist, Magnus Bane.”

Alec moved in his seat to take a look at Magnus who looked about as confused as Alec felt. 

What was going on? 

“I was worried we would never reconcile after our fight five years ago,” Camille said. A big smile suddenly spread on her lips. “But I’m happy to announce that the evening two days ago, we finally decided to work together again. To be friends again.” 

Two days ago. This Wednesday, when Alec had called him. That’s why he had ended the phone call so abruptly. 

He’d been with Camille. 

He’d been with Camille and he had kept it from Alec. 

_Why?_

“Although,” continued Camille, who paused as her eyes roamed through the crowd. When she found Alec she stopped, their eyes locked and she suddenly smirked, “friends might not be an accurate description of what we are.” 

_Oh._

Alec suddenly felt cold all over. 

“I can’t wait to begin the next chapter of my life with you, Magnus,” Camille said, eyes leaving Alec. “You’re the most important man in my life as well. Again, thank you for listening to me. Cheers to the future which is now looking brighter than it has in a long time.” 

She left the podium and Luke entered the stage, but Alec had stopped listening. He was stuck in his own mind, repeating the same sentences on repeat. 

Magnus and Camille. Magnus and Camille. 

_“Friends might not be an accurate description of what we are.”_

Magnus had told him their relationship had ended poorly, that they hadn’t been right for each other. But people could change. Relationships could change. So why would this be an exception? Objectively, they would make a stunning couple. Magnus was gorgeous. And Camille was undeniably beautiful. She was ambitious. She was successful. She was confident. She were so many things Alec strived to be himself. 

And Alec was… an idiot. He's an idiot, plain and simple. An idiot who felt like he had just been cut open from the inside. Served him right, probably, for projecting all his hopes onto a man just because he so desperately wanted someone. His one special person. His own special person that he wanted to have with him more than anything else in this world. He’d thought he had found him but apparently he had misread cues - seen things that weren’t there. 

This is what he did - misunderstood things. And this is what he was – a stupid, hopeless mess.

_Pathetic._

_Of course_ Magnus wouldn’t be interested. _Of course_ Magnus had someone else. 

Alec should have listened to himself - when things seemed too good to be true, they were. He shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. He should have known this would happen.

There suddenly wasn’t any air in this room. Alec felt like he was suffocating. 

“Hey. You okay?” came Simon’s voice, uncharacteristically gentle. Alec hated it. 

The man, Luke, had left the stage, apparently. Suddenly, people were starting to talk again, the sound becoming louder around them. They started to move also, leaving their seats. Alec figured the ceremony was over. 

“I’m fine,” mumbled Alec. 

“You sure?” 

“Positive.”

This was too embarrassing – everyone here could probably see how Alec was falling apart from the inside. Granted, Alec was good at hiding his emotions, an expert one could say after years in the closet, but he wasn’t sure even he could hide it when it felt like his intestines were trying to claw their way out of his stomach. 

Maybe they’d feel sorry for him, try to comfort him. Which, no. Alec didn’t want that. 

No one could know how Alec was hurting. And especially not Magnus. The last thing Alec wanted was his pity. 

He needed to leave. In fact, he never should have come at all. 

“I'm sorry but I need to go,” said Alec as he quickly rose from his chair. 

He didn’t give Simon or Maia a chance to respond before walking away abruptly. He could feel their stares at his back as he pushed through the sea of people, muttering “excuse me” as he passed. 

But of course the universe wouldn’t just let him leave in peace. 

“Alec, wait,” he heard Magnus call. 

Alec didn’t stop even as he heard Magnus’ footsteps picking up speed. 

“Hey,” Magnus said as he reached Alec. “Where are you going?”

Alec kept walking. “Home,” he muttered. 

“What, why?” Magnus gripped Alec’s elbow, forcing him to stop. “Is this about what Camille said? Because it’s not what you think. I wish you would let me explain.”

“Explain what?” Alec wrenched his arm free and took a step back. He felt his frustration boil inside him, like lava creating blisters on his insides. Magnus had no obligations towards Alec. So Alec had no right to be upset. And, yet. “You’re free to do whatever you want. With whoever you want. You don’t need to explain anything to me.”

“I know that,” said Magnus, softly, his voice pleading. He took a step closer. Alec took a step back. “But I would still like to talk to you. Didn’t you say you needed to ask me something?”

“Yeah.” Alec looked at the flower covered entrance. It looked so differently now from what it had just some minutes ago. “But it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Okay,” said Magnus, his voice hesitant. “But I would still like to talk to you.” 

Alec swallowed, unable to answer. He couldn’t say no, but he also couldn’t say yes. 

“Please,” continued Magnus, desperation tightening his voice. “Just look at me, at least.” 

Alec couldn’t do that, either. He kept his gaze at the door.

“Alexander?”

And, no. Enough - Alec didn’t want to hear it. Magnus had lost the right to call him _Alexander_ , he lost that right because it made hope bloom sickly in Alec’s chest, and that’s not fair. It’s not fair and it’s not okay. It’s borderline cruel. 

Inhaling a shaky breath, Alec gathered the strength to look at him. 

Tentative eyes, uncertain posture, a worried tilt to his lips and he was still the most beautiful man Alec had ever known. 

He looked like everything Alec wanted in this life and it made him fucking furious. 

“Talk to Camille,” Alec snapped. 

Magnus flinched, a full-body jerk that gripped his muscles. He took a step back as if he’d been slapped. 

For a moment, Magnus didn’t speak. His eyes searched Alec face, and for the first time since meeting him, Alec thought he looked disappointed in what he saw. 

“Okay,” Magnus finally said. His voice was stiff and cold, but his eyes were moist and blinking rapidly. “I see.” 

And with that, he turned around and left Alec alone. Surrounded by people from every side, but still utterly alone. In the end, always, alone. 

Alec inhaled a shaky breath. His brain was fuzzy, unfocused and he couldn’t quite grasp what had just happened. 

It was too much. 

All Alec knew was that he needed to leave. Now. 

He took the subway home in a sort of muffled daze. He reached his apartment while avoiding to think a single thought. He knew where his mind would wander and he didn’t want that. Didn’t want those images. 

Now that it was over and done, and Alec’s home in his own private refuge, his body felt strangely numb. There was a dull ache under Alec’s ribs threatening to break lose, but Alec refused to grant it access. 

_Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think -_

Instead, he grabbed the bottle at the cabinet above his fridge and took a shot of vodka. The alcohol burned pleasantly in his throat but offered no other release or comfort. 

_Sure_ , he kind of felt agonizingly stupid and overall pathetic right now, but it would pass. Magnus would never know how Alec felt, and eventually, someday, Alec would be able to talk to him, smile at him, and mean it. Eventually, they would be friends, just friends, and it would be enough.

That just wasn’t right now. But… at some point. 

_Surely._

Alec took another shot of vodka. 

After some more drinking, breathing, drinking, breathing, drinking; Alec used his phone for the first time that night.

 

From: Alec  
To: Izzy 

_Hey could I get the number to that guy from your work who you said would be good match for me? His name was Underhill?_  
_I think you’re right. I do need to start seeing more people._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe… don’t hate me, please... I have a plan, I promise!  
> Let me know what you thought!  
> See you soon ♡♡


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look guys, I realize Underhill's first name is actually Andrew but he will always be Underhill to me, ok? it is a perfectly acceptable first name, I think!
> 
> enjoy ♡

He was handsome. Undeniably so. Messy blonde hair, clear blue eyes, fit body. His outfit, a classy white button up shirt over a pair of dark blue jeans, looked nice as well, Alec supposed. Not very flashy or eye catching, but it’s still clear he’d made an effort. All in all, he was not hard on the eye. 

The italian restaurant they were in was romantic as well, the lamps in the ceiling casting a red dim over the two of them. There were candles on the table as well, illuminating their food. The air smelled sweet and spicy. There was even live music, a woman and a man forming a duo, playing classics on guitar while singing. 

Alec took a bite of his lasagne and it was very good, moist and packed with flavor. His drink was nice as well, a passion fruit flavored mojito. Even the waiter delivering the food had been friendly. 

Comfortable chairs. 

Not too crowded. 

It could have been a scene straight out of a romantic comedy. Although, if it was, something bizarre should happen just about _now_ … 

Hopefully, Alec glanced at the entrance. Yet, there was no perfectly timed dramatic entrance; no one yelling “stop this dinner!”. There were also no missed text calls on his phone alerting him about some emergency - nothing out of the ordinary at all. Which Alec assumed was probably for the best.

Ultimately just a good date and good company with no ill timed interruptions. Precisely as Isabelle had said, Underhill seemed like a nice guy. Perfectly agreeable. Absolutely nothing wrong with him. 

Except… 

_Well._

“Alec?” Underhill asked. He was frowning slightly, his blue eyes worried. 

“Huh?” Alec blinked. “What?”

“You just zoned out there a bit. Is everything okay?”

“Yes!” Alec forced a smile. He cleared his throat and adjusted himself in his seat. “Yes, of course. I’m sorry. Everything is – everything is fine. Perfect. I just… have a lot on my mind. Sorry. Work stuff.” 

Underhill leaned forward on the table. In the background, Alec could hear the duo of musicians change their tune to something a bit slower. “Yes, Isabelle told me about that. You’re a doctor, right?” 

“Yes, exactly.”

“Cool,” said Underhill, grinning eagerly. “What’s that like? Exciting?” 

“Uh, yeah.” Alec nodded slowly. “It can be very exciting at times.” 

Truth was work has been rough lately. He’d been walking with a weight on his shoulders lately, heavier than usual. The weight had been suffocating, like it was dragging him underwater and it was spilling out into everything he knew. Such as work, where he spend a good portion of his time. 

He felt like he was being untruthful with himself and his surroundings. As if he had his own truth, his struggles, all while trying to pretend like he wasn’t struggling with it. And part of him would rather be by himself, alone, than having to be with others and lie. To pretend to be something he’s not. To pretend he wasn't hurting. 

He just currently lacked his usual strength he needed to perform his best at work - to be able to see so much suffering and not get affected. Some days, he’d take work with him home emotionally in his mind - unable to let go of the fates of the patients he struggled or were unable to help. 

Alec knew he had a habit of pushing people away when he needed them the most. He knew this, but not how to stop. Which was unfortunate since in the end, isolation wasn’t doing him any favors. 

It just felt like he couldn’t talk to anybody who would understand. Someone who could offer him the relief of truth he was craving. There was only one person he wanted to talk to about this, about anything, talk to at all - who always listened to Alec and knew just what to say to make him feel better and -

 _Well._

“Very… exciting,” Alec repeated. “And you? What – what do you do?” 

“I handle the finance. Numbers.” Underhill shrugged, grinning. “Boring, I know.”

“No, it’s not boring. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with numbers. They’re valid.” 

“Thank you for validating my work.” Underhill chuckled. “So, being a doctor, is it like on the TV shows when you like talk about your love lives while operating on your patients?” 

Alec surprised himself by laughing. “No, not like that, I’m afraid. Not as … dramatic.” 

“For the best, maybe?” 

Alec touched his glass absentmindedly. He did know a fair couple of people; nurses, doctors, neurosurgeons which could probably be dramatic enough to be casted for a medical reality TV show. “Probably.” 

After finishing their meal, discussing the season finale of Game of Thrones, the date came to an end and they found themselves lingering outside the restaurant. Still, nothing out of the ordinary had happened. No intrusion or fight or awkward situation. No classic rom com moment.

Alec glanced at the people who came walking into the restaurant, their excitement and smiles, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something bizarre to happen. This couldn’t be it. But, it seemed like this was, indeed, it. 

“Right,” said Alec. He looked around the street absentmindedly, not sure what he was searching for. “This was… good.”

“Agreed,” Underhill said. He took a breath as if was steeling himself up for something. There was something hopeful and vulnerable in his gaze. “Maybe we could do this again sometime?” 

“Uh,” said Alec, hesitant, instantly freezing up. He was at war with himself, his brain saying on thing and his body saying something else entirely. “… sure. Yeah, let’s do that.”

“Great.” Suddenly, Underhill’s smile changed from vulnerable to excited and he had _that_ look in his eyes. Alec recognized it from late nights at clubs, from previous dates, from intimate sexual encounters with men. From the happy ending in a rom com.

That eye which holds a suggestion, a question. _Do you want to?_

But, no. Alec couldn’t right now. Couldn’t answer his question. 

“I – I have to go.” Alec took a step back. “Work early tomorrow.”

Underhill’s smile remained, but there was a hint of disappointment in the tilt of his lips and the spark in his eyes left. “We’ll stay in touch, then?” 

“Yeah.”

Underhill also took a step back, increasing the space between them. “Bye, Alec.”

“See you,” Alec said

Alec watched as Underhill walked away in the busy New York street. 

All in all, Alec would conclude the night had went well. 

It hadn’t been awkward or stiff as Alec had imagined it would be, overlooking the final anticlimactic rom com moment. Underhill was nice, friendly and approachable and it turned out they had a lot in common. More so than Alec had expected. They seemed to share the same energy level, both being quite calm, and both admitting to being introverts at heart. 

It had been a perfectly fine, agreeable date.

Truly, there had been nothing wrong with either Underhill or this night. 

Yet, Alec felt like his whole body was aching; knowing this was all he would ever have. Because deep down, of course, he knew what he still wanted. But since he wouldn’t have that, it didn’t matter. So…

_Well._

He would be okay with this. He had to be. It would be enough. It had to be.

Finally, Alec mustered up the energy to begin his journey home as well. 

It would be enough, he kept repeating to himself. Eventually.

_It will be enough, it will be enough, it will be enough -_

He just had to try a little longer. 

 

\--

 

The next week passed in the blink of an eye. 

Alec had another date with Underhill at Central Park, sharing a picnic. 

It went fine. Nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Still no explosive rom com moment, for better or for worse. But overall absolutely acceptable. A perfectly agreeable date.

Regardless, Alec still couldn't shake the feeling of heaviness which had haunted him for days now. Maia, Simon and the rest of his colleagues could probably tell something was wrong but knew better than to push him.

Even Catarina expressed some concern. 

“How are you?” she asked, voice gentle, as she poured garlic sauce over her avocado salad. She had a look in her eye as if she knew something Alec didn’t. 

They’d both taken an early lunch to make time for the afternoon meeting they were going to attend with a group of other doctors later. They were now the only ones in the cafeteria, eating their lunch together. 

They sat at a small, round table and Catarina’s question stirred a small panic in Alec. Was he really that easy to read? 

Besides, _sure_ , maybe Alec wasn't at his best, heart aching constantly and feeling like a failure at work and all but... he wasn't _that bad._

He didn't need her sympathy.

He was _fine._

“Fine,” Alec answered quickly in a high pitched voice. He cleared his throat and cut his spaghetti leftovers. “Why? I mean, why wouldn’t I be fine? Don’t I look fine?”

Catarina chuckled. “Of course you look fine. I was just asking.”

“Good. Because I am. Fine, that is.” Alec could hear himself sounding dishonest and wanted to change the conversation topic quickly. He knew Catarina was close friends with Magnus and he didn’t want the news that he was a heartbroken mess to reach him. He might put two and two together. “Anyway, what’s up with you?”

“Nothing, really. Or is there anything in particularly on your mind?”

“Not really, I just -” Alec stopped. It was silly but Alec saw an opening. He knew it wasn’t smart, wasn’t healthy, but he couldn’t help but want to pry a little. Catarina was a close friend to Magnus after all… Maybe he could get some sort of update. “I mean, is there anything new? Like has anything out of the ordinary happened recently? Heard anything?” 

This was so stupid. Alec really didn’t even know what he wanted the answer to be. Well, ideally, he knew what he wanted it to be but that wouldn’t happen.

(Catarina’s eyes would grow as she suddenly realized something and say, _Ah, yes, apparently Magnus broke up with his new girlfriend in a record time because rumor has it he has his heart set on someone else._

And then Alec would gasp, _Do tell me more._

Catarina would lean in close, _You have to promise not to tell anybody._

To which Alec would answer, _I swear it on my life._

Catarina would whisper, _I hear that he fancies a talented male neurology doctor, who likes black coffee and spending time with his family. Apparently, Magnus finds this doctor’s personality romantically pleasing and his body sexually appealing. And his name, I hear, begins with an A._

_A…_ Alec’s breath would catch. _A as in Alec._

Catarina would wink. _Bingo._ )

Look, Alec knew he was ridiculous. This was not news. It had reached new heights this year, but still not news. 

Obviously, this would not happen. But maybe he could pry some kind of information out of Catarina. He just had to be stealthy and casual. Like he didn’t care that much, although in reality he had never cared about anything else more in his entire life. 

No problem. 

“Not really. I mean, heard about what?” Catarina asked, chewing on her sallad. 

“Um,” said Alec, looking at his nails, “nothing in particular, just stuff. You know… things that people hear and share information about.”

Catarina gave him a quizzical look. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“Uh. Just… about friends and family, you know. Stuff that is happening. Current affairs.”

Looking equally outraged and surprised, Catarina put her fork forcefully down on the table. “You want me to share workspace gossip?” 

“What? No, no, no!” _Fuck._ “I just - uh -” 

Oh, god. It wasn’t working. Now Catarina was going to think he was losing his mind. He definitely didn’t want those news to reach Magnus either. 

_Yeah, you know that guy you hung out with, he wanted me to spread a rumor at work about, air quotes, current affairs._

Alec needed to salvage this. 

“I just meant, like kids!” If there was one thing people loved talking about, it was their children. “Tell me, how is Madzie?” 

“Oh.” Catarina visibly relaxed. “She’s good. We went hiking last weekend and she has quite the imagination, let me tell you.”

“That sounds exciting. Do tell me more about that.”

Later, Alec found himself at his computer, furiously drinking his black coffee. He now knew way more about children outdoor wear than he had ever wanted to. Of course he couldn’t stealthily pry information. Who did he think he was - some sort of undercover spy? James Bond? Alec was blunt, it was the only way he knew how to be - he didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say without actually saying it. He could shut his mouth and say nothing at all, but whatever words ultimately left his mouth were either badly disguised lies or the uninhibited truth. There was no inbetween. 

Alec couldn’t speak in riddles. His body could sometimes speak for him, in times of passion or desperation, but he didn’t know how to ask Catarina with his body how Magnus was doing. How to ask without actually, literally, saying “How is Magnus doing - is he okay?” and something between Alec’s pride and his self preservation didn’t want to ask Catarina that. Perhaps it would be an innocent question coming from someone else, but he knew his eyes would betray his heart’s longing. 

It was a struggle wanting to know but not wanting to ask.

In front of Alec was the schedule for the afternoon meeting. He was so focused reading he almost didn’t feel it when something hit him on the back of his head. He looked down on the floor where a package of paracetamol lay. 

“Oh, come on,” Alec muttered as he bent down to pick them back up. He turned around in his chair to face Maia. “This again?” 

Maia took the medicine from his hands. “I will throw these as much as I need to.”

“You needed to do this?” 

“Uh, _yeah?_ I did. I could see you beating yourself up inside your head. You were staring at your screen so hard I could literally be having a seizure in front of you and I bet you wouldn’t even notice. It is our duty as nurses to break you out of it.”

“I don’t think focusing on my job is a crime. Also, I think it’s long overdue someone taught you the proper use of medicine.” Alec noticed Simon lingering behind Maia, almost hiding, and a realization slowly crept in. “And what do you mean by ‘our’ duty? Whose do you mean?” 

“We thought about it,” Simon said, taking some steps forward, now standing next to Maia, “thoroughly and in detail, and decided that the best course of action for you to get back to your old moderately happy self is to annoy you until you finally break.”

Certain he had misheard, Alec took a deep breath to calm himself. “Excuse me?” 

“You’ve been more miserable than usual,” Maia said. “And we worry about you.” 

“It’s obvious you’ve been feeling a bit down lately, man,” Simon said. “And look, I won’t mention he who must not be named, and I don’t mean Voldemort, but I think someone special has been missing around here to cheer you up.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “And instead of trying to cheer me up yourselves you’re going to, and I quote, annoy me until I break?” 

“Well, we doubt we can cheer you up the way you need cheering up, if you catch my drift,” said Maia, making a face. 

“And sometimes, you need to break something down in order to build it back up,” Simon explained as if that made all the sense in the world. 

Alec gave them both a long look. ”And this is your profession opinion?” 

“It is,” Simon confirmed. “It was either this or tickle torture. But we didn’t know if you were ticklish but we do know that you are easily annoyed. And me, especially, seem to have a natural born talent in just that specific area.”

“Jesus,” muttered Alec, but he couldn’t exactly argue with that. 

“See!” Simon gestured excitedly at Alec and gave Maia a pointed look. “This will be a piece of cake.”

“So,” drawled Maia, arms crossed, walking in a circle around Alec. Speaking of undercover spies, here was someone who would definitely fit into an action movie as the scary cop interrogating its hostage. “What annoys you? People showing up late to work?” 

“Doesn’t annoy me,” denied Alec. It wasn’t true of course, he found it extremely disrespectful, but he didn’t want to give them any power over him. 

“People not removing their own dishes?”

 _Awful._ Alec shook his dead. 

“People chewing with their mouths open?” 

_Disgusting._ “Nope.”

“People not using basic hygiene routines?” 

Alec frowned. “What in the world?” 

“Aha!” exclaimed Simon. He raised his hands. “A sore spot. Guess where these hands have been.”

“Please don’t tell me,” groaned Alec. 

“Let’s just say I needed to perform one of the less dignified activities of human existence and maybe I washed my hands afterwards and maybe I didn’t.” 

“Ew!” cried Maia, stopping in her tracks. “What is wrong with you, Simon? Seriously?”

“Oh my god, I did!” Simon exclaimed, a slight edge of panic to his voice. “I promise I did! With soap and hand sanitizer afterwards.”

“Er, yeah, I’m gonna go,” said Alec, raising from his chair, feeling satisfyingly irritated. "I have filled my basic quota of annoyness for the day. Always a pleasure."

"Annoyness isn't a word, doctor Alec," snickered Simon. "I believe the proper term is delightfully aggrevated. You're welcome, by the way."

"Yeah, whatever," said Alec, rolling his eyes. "I'm not going to thank you for telling me you didn't wash your hands -"

"I did wash them!" 

"-when I didn't even need your help to begin with. I appreciate it, but I'm fine." Alec straightened his doctor's coat. "I'm running late, however, so I bid you both goodbye." 

“Wait!” called Maia. 

“No,” sighed Alec, “you’ve succeeded your goal but I don’t think it accomplished what you wanted it to.”

"When you get what you want but not what you need." Simon shook his head sadly. "At least I finally understand that Coldplay song." 

"Yeah… “ Alec threw Simon a sceptic look. “Anyway, I have a meeting to attend. See you around,” he said as he left the two of them before they could stop him. 

“Good luck, man!” Alec heard Simon shout after him. Alec took a deep breath - he would probably need it. 

Simon and Maia hadn’t really put him in a worse mood, if anything he found their horrible attempt at showing compassion kind of funny. Not that he would ever tell them that.

But mainly he was still stuck in the same melancholy state of mind as before, wondering what it would take to break him out of it. 

 

\--

 

Isabelle came over to Alec's apartment later that day. Alec was exhausted after the meeting - conversing with a bunch of random doctors, conversing with Catarina, conversing with Maia and Simon, conversing with patients and conversing and with other coworkers. Why did everyone insist on conversing? 

Too tired to prepared a meal, Alec and Isabelle met up at their favorite Indian takeaway before walking back to Alec’s apartment together. 

They sat in Alec’s couch in silence, while eating and watching Alec’s favorite doctor - Doctor Phil.

Watching trash reality TV was a secret indulge of Alec's. There was some sort of sick enjoyment in watching other people messing up. Like, Alec’s life might be a mess but at least it wasn’t _that bad._ At least he didn’t run around his neighborhood pretending to be Batman. 

Sometimes Alec wondered if he too could have a TV show one day: Doctor Alec. He could be a younger, and dare he say more attractive, version of Doctor Phil. Sometimes when he was in the shower he would imagine the type of interviews he would have: telling teenagers to respect their parents more, telling parents to listen to their their children more, telling couples to communicate better. 

However, regardless of whatever struggles Alec had at his job currently - he was still very passionate about his job and didn’t want to quit, not even for his very own TV show. He loved actually helping people and seeing their health improve. And psychology wasn’t his area of expertice anyway. 

And Alec did legitimately wonder how much going on a TV show, broadcasted across the world, discussing your problems helped. Why not seek help at a more discreet level? Alec could barely share his problems with one person - how people could share them with millions of people was beyond him.

But Alec didn't question it too much. It offered entertainment and he appreciated that. 

When the show was done, Isabelle and Alec began putting the dishes in dishwasher and Isabelle looked at Alec quizzically. 

“You look exhausted,” noted Isabelle. 

“Thanks,” mumbled Alec. 

“How long have they been selling this?” asked Isabelle, motioning at her finished food; a stew with chickpeas, spinach, potatoes and curry. Her plate was wiped clean. “It was amazing.”

“To be honest, I haven’t really paid attention,” Alec admitted. Which was strange, Alec was usually the first one to notice when his favorite take away restaurant updated their menu. 

“Okay.” Isabelle nodded slowly. “You know, you still haven’t mentioned anything about Underhill. You’ve seen each other two times now, right? He talks about you all the time but you haven’t mentioned him even once.”

“Right…” Alec sighed. He would very much like to continue their silent company and watch another episode of Doctor Phil, but he knew his sister wouldn’t drop this until she got her answers. “Yeah, we’ve met twice.”

Alec resumed his focus on the dishwasher but could feel Isabelle’s impatient stare. 

“...and?” 

“And what?” 

“Oh, come on, Alec, you know what I mean. Do you like him? Do you want to see him again?” 

“Uh,” Alec paused. “I guess?”

Isabelle huffed. “You guess?”

Better to say nothing, Alec decided. He shrugged in lieu of answer and closed the dishwasher. 

“Your silence is truly speaking volumes.”

“Jesus, Isabelle, I don’t know, okay?” Alec gestured helplessly with his hands. “I’ve only met the guy two times.”

“So?” Isabelle arched her eyebrows. “When you know, you know. You actually don’t feel anything?”

“I mean, I don’t dislike him. He’s... nice.”

“He’s nice?” Isabelle echoed. “ _Nice?_ ” 

“Well, he’s certainly not mean. Or rude. He seems like a good person.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve known the guy for years.” Isabelle put her hands on her hips. “Alec, seriously, what are you doing?” 

Alec put his face in his hands and groaned, “You don’t think I wish _I_ knew that?” 

“Well, you need to figure it out then. Underhill is a great guy and he actually likes you. He doesn’t deserve your uncertainty.”

“I -” Alec gave out a frustrated sigh and met Isabelle’s critical eye, “yeah, I know. You’re right.”

Isabelle gave him a long look, likely contemplating whether to press this further or drop it. Sighing, she poured herself a glass of water, seemingly dropping it for now. 

“How’s Magnus doing?” Isabelle gave him a careful glance. “You haven’t talked about him in a while either.” 

Alec quickly averted his gaze. A part of him would rather continue the stiff conversation about Underhill. It was hard to find a subject he wanted to talk about less than that - but kudos to Isabelle for finding it. “I haven’t talked about him because there is nothing to tell. I haven’t seen him in a while," Alec answered with a shrug. "But I’m guessing he’s fine.”

“And why haven’t you seen him?” 

“I don't know.” Alec went to his kitchen table and picked up some mail, pretending to read the titles. “Because he hasn’t been around at work I guess.”

“Alright then.” Isabelle took a sip of water. “And how are you?” 

Alec fiddled with the papers mindlessly. “Also fine.”

“So everything and everybody are fine?” 

“Everything and everyone are fine.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes. “You’re so full of shit.” 

“Thanks,” muttered Alec as he started leaving the kitchen, paper in his hand. He didn’t want to have this conversation anymore. 

Isabelle followed him. “It’s true.”

“Regardless, I would appreciate it if you kept yourself out of my shit.” Alec threw the paper in the trash bin with more force than probably necessary. “Like what is this? Some kind of interrogation?” 

“It’s not an interrogation, Jesus, stop being so dramatic. I would just appreciate it if you let me into your shit.” Isabelle grabbed his arm. “You know that, right?” 

“Yeah, I know.”

“Do you? Then why won’t you talk to me?”

“Because there is nothing to talk about.”

“Bullshit.”

Alec frowned and removed himself from her grip. “Iz-”

“You know I just want to help you." Eyes big, she softened her voice. "I can see that you’re hurting.”

Instantly, all of Alec’s walls went up. 

Why did everyone insist on constantly irritating Alec? On pushing him? First Catarina then Maia and Simon and now his own sister. 

Why did they force him to talk when all he wanted was to suffer in silence? Keep his feelings to himself. 

He didn’t want or need their help. 

_He was fine._

“I know you like sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong,” Alec countered.

Isabelle squinted at him. “This isn’t you talking. This is your pain talking.”

“It’s my-” Alec gave her a dead stare, “ _what?_ ”

“It’s fine,” Isabelle urged. “Let is speak.”

“You want to know?” All the air exited Alec’s lungs. “You really want to know?” 

“Yes, Alec. I really want to know.” Isabelle took a step closer, like challenge. “Tell me. I dare you to tell me. I double dare you.”

“Fine. I’ll tell you.” Alec looked into his sister’s insisting brown eyes and felt something inside him break. “Look, I- I’ve spend my whole life closing myself off from people, right? Distancing myself because I don’t want them to hurt me, I don’t want them to have any power over me. And sometimes I feel like my whole life is a lie. I spend so much time pretending to be someone to please others, I forget who I actually am. Maybe I’ve never known. Maybe I’ve spent so much time trying to be what everyone wants me to be, I’ve erased who I actually am. I’m just this faint echo of what everyone expect me to be. Like I’m - I’m a mirror.” 

Isabelle’s gaze was intense, lips tight. 

Alec’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. He remembered that day, weeks ago, when Magnus had stepped into the same room as Alec and Alec’s entire world had changed. He had never been a mirror with Magnus; had never pretended to be something he wasn’t, and that freedom was intoxicating. “And then I meet this man and it’s like suddenly I’m real in a way I’ve never been before. Like he knew exactly who and what I was before even I did. And it was enough. I, whatever I am, was enough.” Alec dug his fingernails into his palm. “And I started hoping for… for something. That maybe I could dig myself out of the hole I’m in. But that turned out to be false hope and now I’m - I’m sad, okay? I spend my days trying not to think about him, I spend my nights twisting and turning, anxiously awaiting the next day, and then I go to sleep in an empty bed, my body aches, and I - I -” Alec’s chest started heaving. “I’m lonely,” Alec exhaled, voice cracked. His eyes were burning and the pain in his chest felt so tight he could hardly breathe. “My soul hurts.” 

Before Alec could say another word, he was pulled into a familiar, warm embrace.

“Come here,” Isabelle whispered, holding him tightly. 

Alec wrapped his arms around his little sister and could feel the lid which had kept everything contained vanishing and all the suppressed emotions boiling over the edge. 

Tears leaked from his eyes, coming out in throbbing sobs. 

Could you miss someone you’ve never had? 

Alec had never felt Magnus’ body heat next to his, had never tasted his lips against his own, had never shared promises of faith, trust and love; had never done anything really, other than just been with each other. 

Yet, he missed everything. Missed Magnus with a fierce longing.

“It’s okay,” Isabelle said. Her soft voice kept Alec grounded.

Could you love someone you barely knew?

Did Alec? 

He held his sister, his anchor, tighter. He closed his eyes and rested his face against the top of her head and took in the familiar smell of warmth and family. 

“I love you,” Alec whispered into his sister’s hair. 

"I love you too, big brother." Isabelle hugged him even tighter. “It’ll be alright.” 

“I know. I’m just lost.”

“We all are sometimes. If anyone can find their way out, it’s you.”

Maybe she was right; Alec hoped so. 

Isabelle’s body felt warm and solid against his own. 

Alec held on.

 

\--

 

The white, marble floor beneath Alec’s knees was freezing cold. Putting his hands on the ground as well, he took a look around himself. He was in a long hallway devoid of any windows, but with doors leading into empty rooms. 

Alec didn’t know what he was doing - the only thing he recognized was the long halls of the hospital and the voice which suddenly echoed through it. 

“Alexander,” the voice said.

A warm shill went through Alec’s body. He raised his head and saw those familiar brown eyes and the same dark hair, styled into edgy spikes. The same gentleness in his expression which made Alec feel welcomed. Like he was exactly where he was always meant to be. 

Suddenly the world didn’t feel as cold anymore. The air became thick with heat. The world lit up. The floor turned yellow. 

It felt like a warm hug. Alec took it all in;

 _His_ voice, _his_ body, _his_ scent, _his_ everything; _him_ .

 _Magnus._

It felt like coming home. 

“Please,” Alec whispered. His voice was hoarse, like he’d been eating sandpaper. “Please,” he repeated, not sure what he was asking for. Just that he was urgently in need of something. 

_Save me,_ a voice at the back of his mind whispered. 

“Please, what?” Magnus asked. He bent down to Alec’s level, now being mere inches away. Alec could touch him. Could do so many things. Alec wanted to breathe him in; do things he would never admit out loud. 

What did he taste like? What would it feel like to have him pressed against Alec's body?

“Please…” Alec held his breath, “please, make it stop.” 

“Make what stop, sweetheart?”

“Can’t we, the two of us, can’t we –“ 

“What, Alexander?” Magnus brown eyes bored into Alec’s. “Can’t we what?” 

“Can’t we-” Alec was lost. He had lost his goal, his train of thought, had lost the light guiding his direction. 

_Find me,_ a voice at the back of his mind whispered. 

“Can’t we try again?”

Magnus regarded him gently. “But we never tried in the first place.”

“Just let me -” Alec bent forward, “let me touch you. Please. You can-”

“You’re dreaming,” Magnus injected, voice was painfully soft, as if he felt sorry for Alec. Pitied him

Alec stopped dead in his motion. Instead, Magnus’ reached forward and touched Alec’s face. A shiver went down Alec’s body. 

Melting into the touch, Alec released a small gasp of satisfaction. He never wanted to leave. 

“I’m not.” Alec closed his eyes and found his light. “I know what I want.”

“You can’t stay here, honey,” Magnus whispered.

“Yes, I can.” Opening his eyes, Alec nodded vehemently, wanting Magnus to understand. “I want to stay here - stay with you. Please, let me stay. Let us stay like this. Let us be free.”

“Alexander.”

Alec held his breath. “Yes?”

“The truth will set you free.” Magnus smiled sadly. Behind him, the ceiling disappeared into a million brilliant pieces. A great darkness was beginning to spread, encompassing them. Light fell from the heaven, illuminating only them. “You need to wake up.”

Alec didn’t want that. Seemed like a terrible idea, honestly. Why would he ever want to exist in anything but this warmth? Together they could stay in this safe haven and never again experience the rough toll of everyday existence. No more stress, responsibilities, burderns, disappointments. Just them, in a hue of yellow light at the break of dawn, surrounded by falling stars. Regardless, Alec closed his eyes -

And Alec fell. He fell fast and uncontrollably. He felt his stomach churn, a swift drop as he fell down through the floor into a dark unknown. 

In his surprise, Alec gasped, opened his eyes and sat up straight. 

No longer was he on a floor. No longer was he with Magnus. 

He was in his bed. Alone. In front of him was his closet, next to him was his nightstand, his curtains were drawn in front of his window, yet some early morning light peered in. All was where it should be, and as it should be, yet Alec had the distinct feeling something was missing. 

Covered in sweat, Alec removed the cover and ignored all the emotions, sensations, he wished would just leave already. They were, if not heart wrenching, horribly impractical. 

Not even in his own dream did he get what he wanted. 

It appeared his brain, without his permission, kept going where he didn’t want it to go – 

To daydreams, to fantasizes of warmth, hopes of love, cravings for the man of his dreams. 

To the man who could simply touch him through a dream and make him feel more alive than he had his whole goddamn life. Alec wondered what would have happen if he were to be touched the way he most desperately wished to be, and it actually being real.

Most likely, he wouldn’t survive it. He would die the sweetest death known to man. 

It didn’t matter anyway - he would never know. He shouldn’t indulge himself in those kind of thoughts. 

On his nightstand lay his phone. Alec checked it. The clock was just past 9 am. He’d received a text about an 30 minutes ago. 

 

From: Underhill

_Good morning! :)_

 

Alec wrote an answer. 

 

From: Alec

_Morning! Would you like to meet up today?_

 

From: Underhill

_Yes, I would love to! Just name the time and place._

 

They decided to meet up at a café later that afternoon. 

The sun heated up Alec’s skin and he ravished in its light as he waited for Underhill to show up. He sat next to a window, sipping on coffee. The taste of black coffee always calmed his stirred nerves. 

It was still early, much earlier than when they had decided meet. Alec had known this leaving his apartment but been too restless to sit at home and wait. Having taken a seat at the back, he observed people coming and going, waiting for his date to enter. His hands trembled slightly as he drank his black coffee, his shoulders stiff and mouth dry but he was unable to relax. He knew what he needed to do, but couldn’t make himself feel ready anyhow. 

The cup of coffee was empty by the time Underhill showed up. 

“Hey,” Underhill said, as he sat down in front of Alec. He was beaming, eyes squinting. 

Alec shuffled in his seat. He took off his sunglasses. “Hey.” 

“How are you?”

“I’m fine, thanks. And you?” 

“I’m great.” Chuckling, Underhill looked at the mess Alec had created on the table in his absence. “Oh, wow. You’ve finished your drink already? Couldn’t wait for me?” 

“No, sorry, I just -” Alec sighed and gave him a pointed look, “you know I can have a thousand of these anyway.”

“I do know that. Should I go ahead and order us another go then?” 

“No, wait, before you go, uh,” Underhill gave him an apprasive look and remained seated. ”Look, I need to say something,” continued Alec. His stomach felt tense. “And you’re not going to like it. In fact, you’re going to think I’m the biggest dick to ever walk this planet.”

A sceptic look on his face, Underhill leant back in his chair. He almost looked entertained, as if he was curious to see where Alec was going with this. Daring him to say something truly outrageous. “I seriously doubt that.” 

“You will,” sighed Alec. _The truth will set you free._ Those had been dream Magnus’ words, and they were true. He took a steadying breath. “Look, I’m… I’m in love with someone else.” 

There was a silence where time seemed to stand still.

This was the first time Alec had said it out loud. He had never imagined that the first time he would confess his love for Magnus would be on a date with another man. 

Underhill frowned. “Wait - are you seeing someone else? I didn’t know that.” 

“No, it’s not like that. We’re not - not like that. Actually, we haven’t even spoken in weeks.”

“Okay…” 

“But, I’m –“ Alec remembered how he’d acted in his dream, on his knees, essentially begging Magnus to stay, “I’m in love with him. And I’m not going to … get over that anytime soon. I thought I might if I tried seeing someone else but I - I didn’t and I won’t - it doesn’t work like that. And it’s not fair of me to pretend like I am.” Alec swallowed thickly and looked Underhill squarely in the eye. “It’s not fair to you.”

“So, what you’re saying is -?” 

“That we should stop seeing each other. And that I’m sorry for leading you on and giving you false hope.” Alec shrugged. “I’m a dick.” 

“You’re not a –“

“Yes,” Alec injected. “Yes, I am.”

A pause. Underhill was still leaning back in his chair, now taking deep breaths. He looked out the window, seemingly deep in thought, before relenting, “Fine, maybe a little.”

“Yeah. And I am sorry about that. You didn’t deserve this.”

“No, I-“ Underhill sighed. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, I can’t say that I’m not a little bit disappointed. But I…” His eyes searched Alec’s face, brows slightly furrowed. “I’m at least glad you told me the truth. Thank you for that.”

“It was the least I could do. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” 

“I - “ Underhill pressed his lips together and his eyes roamed the café, no longer meeting Alec’s. “No. No, I think you’ve done enough.”

Alec nodded. “Fair enough.”

“I think I’m going to go.” Underhill rose from his seat, still not meeting Alec’s eye. He lingered by the table. “And I would have to ask you not to contact me again.”

“Of course.”

Underhill gave Alec a final, clearly forced, smile. “Goodbye, Alec.”

“Bye. Take care.”

With a nod and tight-lipped smile, Underhill turned around and left. 

Hoping he had somewhat redeemed himself in this messy situation, Alec grabbed his stuff and left too. He knew Underhill would be okay, but he still couldn’t help but to feel horrible about the whole situation. He should have handled his heartbreak in a better, classier way. He should have just suffocated his sorrow in ice cream like everyone else and not dragged someone else into his mess. He could have also had a one night stand, he presumed, but he doubted that would have had the desired effect either. 

Later that night, as Alec watched Doctor Phil and ate Ben & Jerry with roasted almonds by himself, he felt his phone vibrate with a text message in his pocket. Alec immediately groaned, really not wanting to interact with anybody or anything except his TV. 

Although, once he read it, his heart actually stopped and he almost choked on air.

 

From: Magnus

_This is a long shot but I’ll be at this address next Sunday at 3 pm. I would really appreciate it if you met me there. You’ll understand once you get there._

 

Magnus had added an address Alec didn’t recognize. He immediately looked it up. Apparently, it was at a parking lot in eastern New York in a regular suburban area. Alec took a look around the area in Google Maps but there seemed to be nothing but residential real estates around. 

It was undeniably odd. Why would Magnus want to meet him at parking lot in the middle of nowhere? Sell drugs? Opioids? Seemed unlikely. And why did he want to meet Alec at all? Why now?

Alec had to know.

 

From: Alec

_I’ll be there._

 

Just like that, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. With a deep exhale, a small smile began to grow on Alec’s lips. 

He put the cookie dough flavored Ben & Jerry on the table. He didn’t need more. 

It was stupid probably, foolish and reckless even, to allow himself to get excited about this. To allow himself to feel the familiar surge of hope; yet, he was powerless to do anything but start the familiar countdown, 

_Eight days, eight days, eight days –_

Eight days until Alec would see him again. 

 

\--

 

The wind burrowed deep into Alec’s bones, making him shiver. It was that time of spring when you thought the cold season was over and the warmth was here to stay, but then suddenly there was a second winter in April and you didn’t know whether to take your “warm jacket” and be comfortable or your “good-looking jacket” and freeze. Needless to say, Alec had gone for his “good-looking jacket”. The crisp air felt good in Alec’s lungs but his skin wasn’t as pleased, goosebumps sweeping up his arms. If he were to look in a mirror, he was certain he’d see rosy cheeks, wild hair, choppy, dry lips and bright hazel eyes staring back at him. 

Hands in his pockets, he walked around the parking lot in search of Magnus. He’d arrived from subway, taking a route he’d never taken before, and arrived at an area to which he’d never been before. With the use of Google Maps, he’d managed to find the parking lot Magnus had sent him. He couldn’t find Magnus though amongst the cars. 

Anxiety growing in Alec’s stomach, he double checked he was at the right address, as he had double checked ten many times today already. And, just as the previous ten times; yes, he was at the right location. 

He hadn’t spoken a word with Magnus since that single text last week. The countdown to this moment had been a constant in Alec’s head, something of a mixture between anticipation and worry. He desperately wanted to see Magnus again, but worried what his own reaction might be when he finally met him again. Would he be sad or happy? 

He recalled his own reaction at the award ceremony weeks ago. He wasn’t proud of it. He’d been hurt, unable to control his own emotions, and he’d been rude to Magnus. He had been unfair. Today, he was going to apologize for that. Of course Magnus was allowed to date other people - he didn’t owe Alec anything. Regardless of how Alec felt now, hurt and filled with love at the same time, he wouldn’t permit himself to take his sadness out on Magnus again. 

And, if it were to happen again, he would be sure to apologize again, and again, and continue his work towards self-improvement. 

Alec never wanted to be the cause of Magnus’ suffering, however big or small it might be. Honestly, Alec doubted he could even affect Magnus that much but, still. No one should be rude to Magnus, least of all him.

Finally, after minutes of anxious pacing, Alec spotted Magnus. He leant against a red Volkswagen, doing something on the phone, his gaze fixed. He hadn’t seen Alec yet. 

Alec stopped and hid slightly behind a Volvo. Before he announced his presence, he wanted to indulge a little. Wanted to take in the view of him. Soak in the sight, memorize every detail.

Because a sight he was indeed. 

Magnus’ hair was soft, hanging loosely on his forehead. He wore no makeup that Alec could tell, nor any product in his hair. He wore a light jeans jacket over a white t-shirt and dark jeans. He had probably, like Alec, also valued appearance over the comfort of warmth. 

He looked... casual. Domestic. 

And it hurt, almost, how beautiful he was. 

Alec could imagine spending time with this casual and domestic Magnus, just the two of them doing totally normal stuff. As his mind did tend to do, it started creating scenarios which would never happen. 

Such as Alec leaving work and Magnus waiting for him.

( _There you are,_ Magnus would say, leaning against his car, as Alec walked out the hospital.

With butterflies in his stomach and a beam on his face, Alec would rush to greet his boyfriend. 

_Here I am,_ Alec would reply as he reached his destination.

Magnus would give him a playfully, scorn look. _You’re late._

 _Had to save a life before I could leave._ Alec would shrug nonchalantly. _You know how it is._

Magnus would reach for Alec’s jacket and pull him in closer. _My hero._

Finally, they would meet in an embrace.)

Or Alec and Magnus going on a road trip. Magnus waiting for him outside his apartment in his car. 

( _Finally,_ Alec would grin, as he sat down in the passenger seat in Magnus’ car, feeling perfectly content. He had just put his baggage in the backseat, where Magnus naturally had put twice the amount of package than Alec. _I have been looking forward to this the whole year._

Magnus would give Alec that look which he loved the most; soft eyes, kind smile. _I have been looking forward to this my whole life._

Me too, Alec would think, but not say. His actions would speak for themselves, as he would lean forward to taste his love’s words straight from the source.)

Alec and Magnus going shopping. Alec. Magnus. Car. Doing whatever. The possibilities were endless.

Alec returned his focus back to reality. The current situation wasn’t very, well, much of anything. But this was what it was and Alec had to accept that. 

Alec needed to stop living in 'what ifs' and start living in the present. Alec had tried, truly he had indeed tried, not to overthink this meeting in beforehand. Not to try to think of conversation starters, topics, how to phrase himself - he’d found that whenever he prepared too much he ended up just sounding even more awkward and stiff. 

Deciding to be brave, Alec took some steps forward, leaving the safety of the Volvo. “Hey,” he said. 

Magnus looked up from his phone. His body froze in the spot, his eyes big; surprise evident in them. “Alec,” he said. He pushed himself off the car, now standing a bit taller. “You came.”

“I told you I would.” Alec put his hands in his pockets. “3 pm sharp.”

“Right.” Magnus offered a small smile, pressing his lips together as he wanted to say something but reprimanded himself. He squinted as he looked at Alec. “Are you ready to go?”

So they were going somewhere?

“Yes,” Alec replied.

They left the parking lot, walking on a brick road, side by side with a considerable distance between them. Cars passed them on the road and there were families playing in a park nearby. 

“So,” Alec looked around himself in wonder, brows furrowed together, “where are we going?”

“You see that yellow, square house over there?” Magnus pointed to a quite large building, surrounded by a big, well-kept garden, across the road. “That’s where we’re going.”

That only added to Alec’s confusion. “Okay.”

Magnus offered no more explanation. 

They entered the yellow building. They stood in a large, open room. 

The air smelled of home baked; something sweet and cinnamon. Was someone baking cinnamon buns? It took Alec back to his childhood, whenever there was a special occasion; Maryse would bake and throw a party. There did not seem to be a party now, however, the hallway being empty, but the air was sweeter than anything Alec had experienced in a long time.

There were several different items decorating the walls. There was art, hand drawn paintings and even brochures about how to vary your diet and how to avoid pressure ulcers. It seemed like a strange mix to Alec.

Alec stepped forward to take a closer look at a drawing. It looked it could have been made by a child. There was a sun in the middle and beneath were trees growing in a garden similar to the one just outside. 

“Follow me,” said Magnus. 

Alec did. They walked through a narrow hallway into what looked like some kind of living room. 

There were flowers in the big windows and bookshelves following the walls. The room looked very tidy and bright, except for some walkers littered across the floor. In the middle of the room was a big sofa. On it sat two older men watching TV, who both raised their heads curiously as they noticed Alec and Magnus entering. 

Next to the TV was a woman in a wheelchair, seemingly sleeping, despite the loud noise from the TV. 

At a table in the back, a young woman was reading a magazine together with a white haired woman who seemed deeply invested in the words, her brows furrowed deep together. The young woman’s eyes grew as she saw Magnus and Alec and she immediately jumped up, smiling. The older woman didn’t move an inch, had probably not noticed their entrance. 

“Hi!” the young woman said, approaching them. She wore black, cotton pants and a bright red shirt. Her blonde hair was up in a ponytail high on her head. 

“Hello, Helen,” greeted Magnus. He looked at everyone else, doing a small wave. “Hello everyone.”

He received some mumbled greetings back. 

“Hey, Magnus,” Helen replied. There was a familiarity in the tone of her voice, suggesting the two of them already knew each other quite well. “I didn’t know you were coming today.”

Magnus shrugged. “Felt like visiting. It’s been a while.”

“And you brought a friend.” Helen looked at Alec, smiling invitingly. 

“Right, yes.” Alec extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Alec.” 

Helen shook it, still smiling. “Welcome, Alec. I’m Helen.”

“So,” said Magnus. He took a deep breath, and crossed his arms. “How is she?” 

Helen started fiddling with the papers in her hands. “She’s fine.” Her smile vanished and she let out a sigh, revealing how exhausted she probably was. “She was a little grumpy this morning and didn’t want to eat her breakfast, but she cheered up around lunch. It was her favourite meal, macaroni and cheese with apple pie afterwards.”

“Oh, okay,” Magnus said. “That’s good.”

“But you know how it is, her mood changes from minute to minute.” Helen looked up from her papers and offered a small smile. “Look, I’m off for the day but Aline is still around here somewhere baking. And Bat should be arriving any minute now, if he’s not here already. So, just give any of us a call if you need anything, alright?”

“Okay, will do. Thank you, Helen. Have a good day.” 

“You too, Magnus. See you again soon, alright?”

“Of course.”

Once Helen had left, Alec gave Magnus a questioning look. Why were they in what was clearly a nursing home? Who was “she”?

“Come on,” said Magnus, in lieu of an answer, urging Alec to come with him. 

They stopped in front of a door. On it was a sign saying “204” and next to it a mailbox belonging to Kemala Bane. 

Realization hit Alec hard. He could feel his stomach churn and he took a calming breath. He had not been prepared for this.

Magnus knocked on the door. 

The door was opened by who was clearly Magnus’ mother. They were strikingly similar. They possessed the same bone structure and dark hair, except hers had whitened with age. And while Magnus had a tan, her complexion was slightly paler, as if she hadn’t been outside in a while, and wrinkles lined her face. 

Still, she looked very elegant in a light, flowery maxi dress and red painted lips. 

Alec recognized her from the photograph he’d seen in Magnus’ office, weeks ago. She had been younger in the picture, her and Magnus at an amusement park together while Magnus was still an early teen, but they had the same bright, brown eyes. 

“Who are you?” the woman, Kemala, asked. She peered suspiciously through the narrow doorway. “I don’t know you.”

“Hello. I’m Magnus,” Magnus answered, smiling gently. He moved aside to gesture at Alec. “This is Alec.”

“Hi,” said Alec, not sure what else to say. 

“May we come in?” asked Magnus. 

Kemala was silent for a moment, looking back and forward between them, before she opened up the door further. “You may,” she said as she moved aside. 

As Magnus and Alec entered her apartment, she took a long look at Magnus, a confused frown on her face. Finally, she said, “You remind me of my son.”

Alec froze. His eyes immediately went to Magnus, who simply faced his mother with a patient smile. 

“Yes,” he replied. “Yes, I’ve been told. That’s because I am your son. I'm Magnus.”

“You can’t be,” Kemala scoffed. “My son is a child. You must be more than twice his age.”

“Yeah,” said Magnus. With a sigh, he turned around to look out a window in her kitchen, overlooking the garden outside. “I’m not a child anymore, that’s for sure.”

Dropping the subject, Kemala turned to Alec. “And you were?”

“My name is Alec. Short for Alexander. It’s very nice to meet you, ma'am.”

Kemala gave him a scrutinizing look. “You’re awfully tall,” she remarked.

“Yes,” chuckled Alec, scratching his neck. “I’ve been told.”

“Please, sit.” Kemala motioned to a small table next to the window. 

Magnus and Alec sat down next to each other.

Alec took a look around the apartment. It was small. A small kitchen next to a small bedroom, with a door which Alec assumed lead into a bathroom. 

Regarless of size, it still had a cosy and comfortable air to it, colorful rugs and curtains bringing light and life into the room, while antique items filled all the empty spaces. A vase with tulips of different colors stood in the windowsill. 

Alec would guess Magnus had played a part in decorating. 

“Would you like some cookies?” Kemala asked. 

Alec assumed it was a rhetorical question - for some reason old people always offered him cookies regardless of whether he wanted them or not. Alec didn’t know why old people always insisted on treating him with snacks. Not that he was complaining. Young people were severely lacking in hosting skills. 

As assumed, Kemala didn’t wait for an answer but immediately started raiding the kitchen cabinet. After spending some time mumbling to herself, she finally pulled out a package of Oreos. Alec sat up straighter as she put the package of Oreos and milk of the table. 

Kemala looked at the table with a displeased look on the face. “If I knew I’d have company I would prepared something, I’m sorry -”

“It’s okay. This is perfect.” Magnus quickly hurried from his chair and guided her down to her seat. “Absolutely perfect. Please, sit down with us.”

Instantly, Kemala rose up again. “Maybe some -” 

“Some coffee?” Magnus asked. 

“Yes.”

“I’ll make it. You relax.” After pressing a kiss in her hair, Magnus started preparing the coffee. 

Remaining in her seat, Kemala looked out the window. Outside the sky was grey and the leaves on the trees were swinging harshly in the wind. “Not very nice weather today,” she remarked.

“No,” Alec agreed. “Not very nice at all. Windy and cold.”

“I hope it clears up tomorrow.” 

“Me too. Are you doing anything in particular tomorrow?”

Kamala nodded and looked at Alec. “My husband is visiting. I thought we could take a walk in the garden together.” 

“Oh.” Alec blinked, remembering specifically that Magnus had told him his mom's second husband died over ten years ago. He glanced at Magnus for some sort of confirmation, a hint of what to say, but received only a small nod from him. Not sure how to interpret that, Alec cleared his throat and smiled at Kamala. “That’s really nice.”

“Isn’t it?” Kamala’s whole face lit up. “I’ve been happily married my whole life. Although, he lives on the other side of town now so I don’t see him as much anymore.”

“That’s a long marriage,” Alec said. 

“Yes.” Crinkles formed by the edge of her eyes when she smiled. Just like Magnus. “I’m very lucky. He’s going to visit me tomorrow.”

Alec smiled and nodded. 

“Do you like baking?” Kemala asked, changing the subject. 

“Oh,” Alec said, surprised. “No, uh, I don’t really bake much, unfortunately. I enjoying eating what other people bake, though.”

“A typical man answer.” Kemala shook her head but she was smiling affectionately. 

Alec let out a short, surprised laugh. “I take it you like baking then?”

“I do. I make the best Kue Apem you have ever tasted.”

“It’s true,” said Magnus, as he began setting the table. He then started pouring coffee into their mugs. “She does make the best Kue Apem in the world.”

“What’s that?” Alec asked Kemala. 

“It’s a traditional Indonesian cake made from rice flour, coconut milk and palm sugar,” Kamala told him. 

“Sounds delicious,” Alec said. “Thank you,” he said as Magnus poured him coffee. 

“It is,” Kamala said. “If you come over again, I will make it for you.” 

“Sounds great,” Alec said. 

“Milk, please,” said Kemala, when Magnus had finished pouring everyone coffee. 

“I know,” said Magnus, smiling, as he poured milk into her coffee. 

“I take mine black,” said Alec.

“I know.” Magnus smirked as he sat down next sat down to Alec. “And I take mine with milk and sugar.”

“Sugar is bad for your health, you know,” Kemala said.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” said Magnus. “It is important to look after your health. Although the cakes you bake aren’t exactly sugar-free.”

“Which is why you don’t need any more sugar in your system. It’s not good for you.” 

“I’ll be sure to maintain a varied diet, don’t you worry.”

They drank their coffee and ate cookies while Kemala told them several stories from her youth, about different cakes she had baked for different occasions, about how she had struggled to get a specifically complicated cake just right. 

Magnus told them that if he had his way, he would have nominated her for Masterchef 2019. Kemala asked what Masterchef was and Magnus tried to explain the phenomena of competitive cooking reality TV. 

Despite everything, Alec had a surprisingly nice time. For some reason, he usually connected better with people twice his age than people his own age. 

Long after they had finished their coffee, Kemala realized something. 

“Let me show you a picture,” Kemala said excitedly and motioned for Alec and Magnus to follow her from the table. They were now in her bedroom and she took a picture off her drawer. Magnus and Alec stood next to her, overlooking her shoulder at the photograph. “This is me, my son and my husband.”

The three of them, a young Magnus, a healthy looking stepdad and a younger, and clearly very happy, Kemala were standing in a small crowded kitchen, everyone wearing aprons covered in flour and all smiling brightly. On the kitchen table was an impressively large cake. 

“That’s a big cake,” Alec said.

Kamala gasped slightly and glanced at Magnus, leaning the photograph in his direction. “Would you look at that? You look just like my son. You have the same black hair.”

Magnus put a hand on her arm. “I know.”

“Very strange.” Kemala looked back at Alec and pointed at the middle aged man with brown hair and kind smile. Alec figured the picture must have been taken before his cancer became terminal. “This is my husband, John. He lives on the other side of town now but he is visiting tomorrow.” 

“That’s nice,” said Alec. “He looks like a good man.”

“Are you married?” Kemala asked. 

“No. No, not yet.” 

“Why not?” 

“Uh,” Alec laughed. “Well, I guess I haven’t met the right person yet.”

Kemala turned to Magnus. “And you? Are you married?”

“No, I’m not,” Magnus answered softly. “I suppose I haven’t met the right person either.”

“You should both hurry up then, you don’t have all the time in the world. I have been married my whole life and it has brought me great happiness.”

Magnus returned the picture to the drawer and took her hand. “I’m happy for you.”

“I’m very lucky. I can’t wait to see him.”

“You are.” Magnus pressed a kiss to her hand before shooting a glance at Alec. “But we need to leave now unfortunately.”

Kamala looked at Magnus, body stiffening, eyes suddenly sad. “Already?”

“We don’t -” Alec began. 

“We do,” Magnus finished for him. “But I promise to visit again soon.”

“Do you promise?” Kemala asked. 

Magnus pulled her into a hug. “I promise,” he whispered. 

Alec watched them holding on to each other for dear life, feeling empty and full at the same time. 

Pain was intimate. 

Somehow, watching Magnus without his makeup; devoid of any of his ordinary walls, talking to his mother with a tender and patient voice, Alec felt closer to him than he had with anyone he had ever had a sexual encounter with. 

Truth was intimate. 

In Magnus’ vulnerability, whenever his voice cracked and his smile was forced, Alec saw his strength. 

Alec could scarcely imagine any scenario where he didn’t have his walls up. He certainly wouldn’t want someone he barely knew watching him when they were. Yet, here was Magnus doing just that. 

Alec’s breath caught, realizing just how significant this moment was. 

When they let go, Kemala still had a forlorn look on her face. 

“Hey, cheer up,” Magnus said, raising her chin, offering her a small smile. “I’ll visit again soon. I promised, didn’t I? I’ll be back before you know it.”

“Okay, then,” Kemala said. “Good bye. Take care, both of you.”

“Bye,” said Alec. “You take care as well.” 

"Don't be a stranger," Kemala called after them. 

Magnus and Alec walked back to the parking lot in silence. The street was emptier now, just a couple walking their dog on the other side of the street. It was freezing cold at this point but Alec felt numb to everything except his inner turmoil. He kept throwing hesitant glances at Magnus, unsure what to say. Why had Magnus brought him here? What did he want from Alec?

Magnus looked deep in thought, hands deep in his pockets and a faraway look in his eyes. 

Alec had no idea what to say. So he said nothing.

When they reached the parking lot, he said the only thing he could think of - what he deemed the most pressing, most important, "Are you okay?" 

Magnus blinked at him. “Yeah.”

“You mean that?” 

“Yeah, I mean -” Magnus shrugged, clearly feigning casualty. He wasn’t fooling Alec though - he had been brought here for a reason after all. Alec just wished he knew what the reason was. “To a certain extent.”

“To a certain extent,” Alec repeated, voice flat. 

“Yes.” Magnus’ voice was uncharacteristically small. “To a certain extent.” 

Alec bit his lip. “You have a lovely mom.” 

“I know.”

Another silence.

They stopped at Magnus’ red Volkswagen. Magnus leaned against it. Alec kept a small distance, didn’t want to intrude in his space.

“Why did you bring me here?” Alec finally asked. 

“I’m not really sure myself. I just wanted you to … understand.”

Alec watched him closely. He also desperately wished to understand. “Understand what?” 

“Me,” Magnus said, simply.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” said Magnus, a frustrated tone in his voice. “Who I am and where I’m coming from, I guess. And my mom is a big part of who I am. She raised me, took care of me when dad left, when my stepdad died, when I broke up with Camille. She was the first person I told I was interested in men as well as women. Of course, she doesn’t remember that now, but I will never forget it. I remember exactly how she smiled - how happy and supportive she was. And she was so curious, asking me to tell her more. She then asked me which male celebrity I found the most handsome to which I answered Brad Pitt and she had no idea who that was. She then asked me what I thought of John Lennon.” Magnus laughed. “I’m still unsure about him. I suppose he has his charm, but not really my type.” 

“Not really my type, either." Alec smiled. "Do you visit her often?”

“I try. And generally, I stay for at least one hour when I visit. Mom talks so much, time tends to just fly by. Even though she claims not to recognize me, I think there is some familiarity about me that makes her relax.” Magnus sighed and looked away with a frown. “The nurses have told me plenty of times about her sudden outbreaks of anger, both towards them and the other residents, but I have never seen them.” 

“Sounds like it must be rough.”

“It is,” Magnus said. “She got diagnosed with dementia only a few years ago but it has progressed really fast since then. She barely has any short term memory now.” Magnus paused, biting his lip. He looked frustrated, as if he couldn’t find the right words. Which was a strange look for Magnus, who always seemed to know exactly what to say. “I know, _I know,_ deep down she is the same person she’s always been, she’s still my mother, but at the same time she is a different person altogether now.” Magnus sniffled and stared down at the ground. “I’ve already lost her once,” his voice cracked. His breath caught and Alec could see tears forming in his eyes. “And I don’t think I can lose her again, Alexander. But her body and her mind is failing her and I know I won’t have any choice.”

The wind sent a shrill down Alec’s spine. He swallowed, rendered speechless yet again. “I - I’m sorry,” he said, uselessly. 

“When I thanked the most important woman in my life during my speech I didn’t mean Camille – I meant my mom,” Magnus continued, now blinking rapidly. He rubbed his palm over his eyes in frustration. “I don't want anything to do with Camille. That's a finished chapter in my life. My boss, Imogen Herondale, keeps asking me to take this researching job with Camille in the UK. But I can’t do it. I can’t leave mom. She doesn’t even know who I am but - but she is my everything.”

“Of course,” said Alec. “You know, I’m certain that despite the dementia there is still a part of her that loves you more than anything. That's proud of you. I can tell.”

Magnus looked at Alec, eyes hopeful. “You think so?” he asked, voice small. 

“I do.” 

Magnus gave a small nod. “Thank you for saying that.”

There was, however, something still bothering Alec. “But why did Camille say those things about you two reconnecting and working together again then? If that’s not the case? If you don’t mind me asking.” 

“Because she’s a master manipulator. It’s what she does - she twists words into something else entirely false. She’s very intelligent.” Magnus let out a frustrated sigh. “It is true that we are doing a small work thing together, but it’s only over a day. She tried to convince me to join her on the project together in the UK when she came over to my apartment that time you called, but I told her I didn’t want to. Now or ever.”

“I’m sorry,” said Alec instantly. 

“For what?”

“For not listening to you before. For jumping to conclusions. For being, well, inconsiderate and rude - it was uncalled for.”

“I forgive you.” Magnus exhaled a deep sigh. “I hate it when people jump to conclusions though. People generally think because I’m usually surrounded by people and because I’m such an extrovert, I never get lonely - which is the furthest thing from the truth. Just because you’re around people doesn’t mean you connect with them. I mean, I don’t have a family, not the way you do. And so many times when I try to create my own family, I fail. Such as with Camille. I tried desperately to make it work. I lied to myself for years, pretended I was happy when I was actually devastated. And then, well... _you_ happened.” Magnus swallowed thickly and started picking his nails. ”Sometimes it feels like everything is ripped from me and the only thing that gives me comfort is that I can at least prevent this pain from happening to others.” 

“Hey.” Alec stepped closer and grabbed his hand. He could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest. “Magnus, it’s okay, I’m here. You’re not alone. I’m listening. I'm not leaving you again.”

Magnus’ lower lip trembled. “I need you, Alexander,” he whispered, like a confession.

“I need you, too,” Alec replied. It felt like a faint shadow of all he wanted to say, but it would suffice for now.

“When you’re hurting, Alexander, don’t push me away.” Magnus looked him square in the eye now, his eyes slightly wet. It was as if whatever wall had separated them had suddenly vanished. Just as before, they just understood each other. Clicked. “Don’t rip yourself away from me. Let’s not be part of those people who speak in passive aggressiveness, pettiness and silences. From now on, let’s always be honest with each other and tell each other how we really feel and think. And listen to each other.”

That sounded like a dream come true. “I would like that.”

Magnus nodded. “That’s good.”

“It hurt me to think you were back together with Camille,” Alec confessed. 

“I guessed as much.” Magnus smiled ruefully. “Obviously, that’s not true though.”

“Yeah, well, I know that now.”

“You should have figured it out before.” Magnus raised an eyebrow and smiled teasingly. “Seriously, for someone as intelligent as you, Alexander, you can be quite dumb.”

Alec grinned. “Shut up.” 

Magnus mirrored his grin. And in his eyes was that look which Alec recognized; that spark, that suggestiveness, that challenge. “Make me,” he purred.

_Oh._

Alec could think of several creative ways to shut him up. 

Alec wanted to kiss him more than anything else in this world. Wanted to kiss him gently, take his time and savor the moment. Wanted to push him up against the car and feel the press of his body against his own. 

Both would work. Both were valid. 

But right now wasn’t the right time for either. 

Not when Magnus was in so much pain. Despite his suggestive grin, this was still a heavy and freezingly cold afternoon. Granted, there would always be pain, always be suffering. But there were moments when you said fuck it and pushed through whatever was hurting you to simply _live_ and moments when you had to stop to truly feel your pain. This was a moment when you should stop. Breathe. Feel whatever was demanded of you to feel. Give it the time it needed.

Alec has lived in his pain for the past few weeks and Magnus has lived because of his pain, essentially using it as fuel, for years. 

Magnus would never get his parents back and that would always hurt. But Alec vowed to himself there and then to do his best, always, to minimize the pain for Magnus. He had been through too much already. From now on, Alec would devote himself to create as many happy memories for Magnus as possible. 

For the two of them to live full lives, complete with different experiences, despite of their pain. The pain would never go away, nor should it, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be happy.

There would, hopefully, be a moment when Alec finally got to experience what those lips tasted like. But first, Alec had to earn that kiss. 

Besides, he wanted to take his time and not rush this. His first kiss with Magnus would be a happy one. 

Alec squeezed Magnus’ surprisingly cold hand. “Thank you for inviting me,” he said. 

“Thank you for coming.” Thankfully, Magnus didn’t seem too put out about Alec not meeting his challenge. “It meant a lot to me.”

“Anytime.” Alec took a step closer, still holding Magnus’ hand. He did not plan to ever let go. “And I meant what I said, Magnus. I'm not leaving you. From now on, if you need me, you will tell me. And I will be there.”

“I will hold you to that. And I’ll treat you the same courtesy.” Magnus glanced thoughtfully at his car and back at Alec. “Would you like me to give you a ride home perhaps?” 

Alec let out a quiet chuckle. He’d never imagined this scenario, yet it was absolutely perfect. “I would like that very much.”

The car felt warm and cosy, a nice contrast to the freezing spring day. 

Outside the window was a chaotic whirlwind of light, sound and movement. 

Inside of Alec, however, was a deep calm. Because Alec knew what he wanted;

Alec wanted to be loved and give love back; and he desired this from one person, and one person alone. He glanced at the man next to him and couldn’t help but to smile. He felt better than he had in weeks and it was all because of this one wonderful, strong, strange man. 

Only him. Only Magnus. 

With absolute clarity, Alec knew exactly what he needed to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dementia is the absolute worst 
> 
> ~ tune in next time to see Alec earn that long awaited kiss ♡


End file.
